Daily Archives: January 30, 2018

Two Legends Retire

Last week Neil Diamond and Elton John both announced that after 50 years they were retiring from touring. Sadly, Diamond’s reason is a diagnosis of Parkinson’s Disease while John wants to spend more time with his family. Nevermind the fact that they are 77 and 70 years old, respectively which is beyond the age of …

Just…Make…It…Stop

Woke today to the sound of heavy machinary implentmenting the new mgmt company’s landscaping plan. Suffice it to say with this outside my crypt windows, the noise has me ready to chew off my own nerve endings to make it stop. I am so rattled I can barely think, let alone, kick into action.

Then I got the news that my uncle died. And my mom is shutting down, running off to live in his town with her niece, no desire to talk to me and my sister or have us near. I understand better than my sister. Mom had ten siblings and George was the last one. Now she’s got no living siblings, no true tether to her original family and her parents. I relate, somewhat. I tend to grieve alone, too. But my sister is crushed to be shut out totally and I feel for her, too.

This month has been the worst in the history of my 45 years. Just too much sadness and tragedy and upheaval for anyone to process and not feel like they’re going to meltdown. And while the tragedy should take centerstage above all else…

Petty lil me is stuck in the depressive anxiety ridden loop where my primary concerns are surviving this depression cycle and the crippling anxiety without a complete meltdown. I am concerned about having a place to live tomorrow because yeah, landlords can issue 5 day eviction notices. And I am ashamed to say, I have instilled the sense of anxiety in my 8 year old.

What kind of monster does that? Though it was never my intent, I told her about the new company and the pet policy but the rest…she overheard me on the phone and now…she’s spinning out too, and part of me thinks maybe I should just give up and make it stop myself. Yeah, I know the dire tone of that, and I know, logically, it’s the depression and grief talking. But it’s what I am feeling now and it is all encompassing and rather than getting up and cleaning and doing the things that might keep a roof over our heads…

I am paralyzed. The noise of the machinery is like a jackhammer to my brain.All the loss, the anxiety, the bad thoughts the depression is inflicting on me…It’s just too much to handle but on top of that, I get to feel like an utterly shitty person for even worrying about my own problems right now.

But all I have are problems and it’s hard to focus elsewhere. And the dark thoughts just keep coming and I am fighting them but…I am so exhausted from never sleeping well, from never being rested, from never having any sense of security or feeling in control of my own mind, let alone my life. Giving up seems like such a peaceful choice.

I won’t go there but the dark thoughts keep telling me I should, for everyone’s good.

Thank God I tuned out all the therapy crap about taming my rebellious attitude.

Right now my ability to tell even my own mind “go fuck yourself” is probably the only thing keeping me alive.

Weekly Photo Challenge -Variations on a Theme

Back to the weekly photo challenge - this week is variations on an theme. I looked for lines

Doctor

So Bob has his procedure  this morning and we are waiting for the bus to pick up our youngest one before we leave.  He has had a rough time of it with the chemical prep you have to do with this stuff last night so he doesn’t feel rested or good or anything.  I slept some better but not much.

I’m taking my school reading with me to the appointment and will read while I wait.  Then hopefully have time to do my homework and all after lunch.  I need to write about the reading and the workshop piece for this week.  I hate blowing words on these assignments–500 words is a lot.  This professor used to just require 350 words so I wonder what made her change.

I have had an extraordinarily hard time lately with motivation to do what I need to do lately.  I just want to sleep again.  I don’t know why.  I’m not taking the sedative and the weather has been nicer than usual in January–not nearly so rainy and cold.  But I am just so bored around the house.  i have stuff that needs to be done but I don’t feel like doing it at all.

SO we will see how today goes.  Hopefully everything will be fine for the procedure and nothing will be wrong.  Hope everyone else has a good week.

 

 

 

Product Review – “Zero To Hero” Fitness Program

“I have been given this product as part of a product review through the Chronic Illness Bloggers network. Although the product was a gift, all opinions in this review remain my own and I was in no way influenced by the company. “ When I was first introduced to the “Zero To Hero” program I was …

The Minutes Pass

12 minutes until my husband even thinks about coming home to me. 12 minutes to ingest all of the medication I have been harboring. 12 minutes to breath so deep it will fill my toes. 12 minutes to pray, and I don’t pray.
11 minutes to take stock. Love and kiss my kitty. Rub his ears in a way he knows it’s me. Look at his awesome green eyes against a shiny beautiful black fur. Hear his purr reverberate through me one last time.
9 minutes to look around the house. Is. This how I want to leave? On the floor belly full of who knows what medication. If they ask. If they come. I have no answer. No care. Maybe it’s finally done.
8 minutes I look at the clock. Maybe I can go back to school. Maybe I just die right now. Right here. No pulse. No breath. What do I have to offer anymore?
My skin is cold. My thoughts slow.
5 minutes. The bag is in my reach. Swallowing will be hard. But so easy at the same time. Resting. I would love to rest. No more thoughts. No more worry. No more pain. It can end right now.
Wait. My timer. My clock is wrong. It’s an hour. 58 fucking minutes. What’s any of this for? What is this existence about. For who? For what? I have no dreams. No purpose. Just here i guess.
I didn’t go on the hike. Not even close. I let that clock count down and declared I missed the deadline. Which is true. But it didn’t have to be that way. I wasn’t ready.
I so want to be ready. Ready for life. Ready for what comes. New shoes. I played tennis yesterday. Same racket. New balls. Not as comfortable as I used to be, but..felt good in the sunshine. Belting that yellow ball. Breathing out fierce air. Pushing out the darkness. Allowing in the light. Letting my shoulders loose, shrug, relax. Daring to feel that ball.
33 minutes later. I got lost in my words. In the moment. Forgot the pills. Forgot the darkness. Just let my shoes flop over the ottoman. Leaned back into the comfort of my couch. In my spot.
29 minutes. Darkness invades. Breath stinks. Silence is. Stillness is. Holding my breath is. The norm. I stare down at my feet. Can’t look up. Those pills calling. What’s the point? What’s this existence?

Day 4

Today I’ve been sluggish and had a bit of a headache. You know one of those ones that are just on the edge of turning into something? I don’t like to take medications so I have just tolerated it. I think it’s the withdrawal from the Rexulti.

The puppy is doing well but really limiting where I can go in my house. She doesn’t want to chill on my lap upstairs so I have to stay downstairs. It’s just too dangerous up here.

My mood is on the edge of pissy, it wasn’t too bad earlier but as the day has gone on it has gotten worse. I think it’s because I feel like a prisoner at the moment. Now I brought this on myself. I wanted another puppy because I was feeling that I had more love to give. I do love Dani to pieces too, I just am missing doing some of my normal stuff. Usually I play some WoW or do some face booking. I’m spending a lot of time watching TV, which I do that too but now is it feeling kind of forced.

Well that’s it for today. I hope tomorrow is a better day.