Daily Archives: January 13, 2018

My Damn Brain

I felt it coming last night, it was lurking in the background of my mind. When I woke up this morning I was super depressed. I feel like crawling back into bed and just staying there. It feels like I’ve never been happy.  I know it was okay just a day ago but it doesn’t make me feel any better.

I don’t even feel like posting my blog, but I made a promise and I don’t break my word, ever.

So here’s my post, I’m going to crawl under a blanket and watch Golden Girls.

See ya later.

 

SAD Doesn’t Get To Win!

You may have guessed from the title of this blog that I have Bipolar Disorder, but I also have been blessed (ha) with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).  I get the Winter Blues, like, BAD!  One thing I think that characterizes depression, whether it’s seasonal or otherwise, is resistance.  I am so goddamn resistant to doing anything!  Make a plan.  I don’t want to go.  Make an appointment.  I don’t want to go.  Time to take a shower.  I don’t want to.  Do you see the pattern here?  Frankly, I exhaust myself.  When I start dealing with the “I don’t want to’s”, I have to employ the “Don’t think, just act” strategy.  I’m not sure where I got it, but it’s quite effective.  It takes the whole brain funk out of the equation.  Because really I have things I just have to do!  If I listened to the voice saying “I don’t want to”, I’d never get out of bed, shower, get dressed, or leave the house.  This is not a good survival strategy.  “I don’t want to” basically wants to kill me with inertia.

So despite not wanting to, I managed to get into the Medicaid mental health system this week, with a phone intake, then the next day a 2 1/2 hour assessment appointment, and then that same day I started a 90-minute group that lasts three weeks and is kind of an initial evaluation group.  I also walked every. Damn. Day. Which is sort of miraculous because there were some damned gloomy days last week.  I made it to Mom & Dad’s and did all sorts of work that I didn’t want to do (and that my poor back didn’t want to do) and then I went out to dinner with my sisters and sister-in-law.  All in all, I did a lot more than this depressed brain thought it was capable of.  I feel better than I did last week, although I’m definitely still depressed and I still think I need a Wellbutrin increase, but somehow I’m coping.

I have dinner plans tonight with a friend, and football plans tomorrow with family, so I consider my weekend to be full!  Somewhere in there I may make it to the grocery store even though I abhor spending money right now.  I am spending quality time with my therapy light every morning and that is helping too.  All in all, I feel cautiously optimistic.  I feel like I’m on the right track.  I hope you are all doing well, please let me know what how you are, and what works for you when you are depressed and stuck in the mud?  As always PEACH OUT!!

A Letter To My Brain

Do shut up.

Really.

Take your digs and snide innuendos elsewhere.

That goes for the roaring in the night as well.

Let me have a bit of peace, will you?

I know you can’t help it, but this macabre droning on and on is quite wearing.  And when I happen to wrench my attention away from your chuntering, with a bit of art or a movie, I can still see you out the corner of my eye, scribbling away in the corner, tallying up a new list of nearly plausible miseries, waiting for the chance to whisper them in my ear with your dog-sour breath.

Perhaps you need a hobby.  Archery ought to be right up your alley.  Or maybe a part-time job in Guantanamo.  Something to do with all your spare time.  I realize you think I’m your full-time responsibility, but a little vacation wouldn’t be amiss.  Visit Chernobyl.  Get a tan.

And even the creative blabber is getting old.  One cannot follow eleven creative impulses at a time no matter how fascinating or expensive.

Do you ever stop to breathe?  Let’s do that now, shall we.  Just stop, sit up from that predatory slouch, and take in a nice deep breath.  There now.  And while you’re doing that I’ll just step out the door….

Sleep And Blogging

I finally got some good sleep last night. Apparently getting up in the middle of the night instead of just laying there for four hours or longer works. Or I was just too tired from not sleeping so many nights, who knows. I’ll do the same thing tonight if I can’t sleep and see what happens, though there is really not much to do at that time of night, I’m sure I can find something on crunchyroll or netflix to watch.

I’m still pissed that I posted so late yesterday, I suppose it’s going to take a while for it to become a habit. I think they said doing something for 21 days makes it a habit so we will see if that is true. I’m only a little over a week now.

Can’t stop yawning even though I slept well last night and had a nap this afternoon.

Right now I’m terrified of the flu. I rarely leave my house so hopefully that will keep me safe. I hate reading about it killing perfectly healthy people, because I’m overweight and likely have a shitty immune system from not being constantly exposed to things/people.

Anyhow that’s it for the day. Other than my mood which is just okay but still not depressed, so that is something.