You may have guessed from the title of this blog that I have Bipolar Disorder, but I also have been blessed (ha) with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). I get the Winter Blues, like, BAD! One thing I think that characterizes depression, whether it’s seasonal or otherwise, is resistance. I am so goddamn resistant to doing anything! Make a plan. I don’t want to go. Make an appointment. I don’t want to go. Time to take a shower. I don’t want to. Do you see the pattern here? Frankly, I exhaust myself. When I start dealing with the “I don’t want to’s”, I have to employ the “Don’t think, just act” strategy. I’m not sure where I got it, but it’s quite effective. It takes the whole brain funk out of the equation. Because really I have things I just have to do! If I listened to the voice saying “I don’t want to”, I’d never get out of bed, shower, get dressed, or leave the house. This is not a good survival strategy. “I don’t want to” basically wants to kill me with inertia.
So despite not wanting to, I managed to get into the Medicaid mental health system this week, with a phone intake, then the next day a 2 1/2 hour assessment appointment, and then that same day I started a 90-minute group that lasts three weeks and is kind of an initial evaluation group. I also walked every. Damn. Day. Which is sort of miraculous because there were some damned gloomy days last week. I made it to Mom & Dad’s and did all sorts of work that I didn’t want to do (and that my poor back didn’t want to do) and then I went out to dinner with my sisters and sister-in-law. All in all, I did a lot more than this depressed brain thought it was capable of. I feel better than I did last week, although I’m definitely still depressed and I still think I need a Wellbutrin increase, but somehow I’m coping.
I have dinner plans tonight with a friend, and football plans tomorrow with family, so I consider my weekend to be full! Somewhere in there I may make it to the grocery store even though I abhor spending money right now. I am spending quality time with my therapy light every morning and that is helping too. All in all, I feel cautiously optimistic. I feel like I’m on the right track. I hope you are all doing well, please let me know what how you are, and what works for you when you are depressed and stuck in the mud? As always PEACH OUT!!