Woke today to the sound of heavy machinary implentmenting the new mgmt company’s landscaping plan. Suffice it to say with this outside my crypt windows, the noise has me ready to chew off my own nerve endings to make it stop. I am so rattled I can barely think, let alone, kick into action.
Then I got the news that my uncle died. And my mom is shutting down, running off to live in his town with her niece, no desire to talk to me and my sister or have us near. I understand better than my sister. Mom had ten siblings and George was the last one. Now she’s got no living siblings, no true tether to her original family and her parents. I relate, somewhat. I tend to grieve alone, too. But my sister is crushed to be shut out totally and I feel for her, too.
This month has been the worst in the history of my 45 years. Just too much sadness and tragedy and upheaval for anyone to process and not feel like they’re going to meltdown. And while the tragedy should take centerstage above all else…
Petty lil me is stuck in the depressive anxiety ridden loop where my primary concerns are surviving this depression cycle and the crippling anxiety without a complete meltdown. I am concerned about having a place to live tomorrow because yeah, landlords can issue 5 day eviction notices. And I am ashamed to say, I have instilled the sense of anxiety in my 8 year old.
What kind of monster does that? Though it was never my intent, I told her about the new company and the pet policy but the rest…she overheard me on the phone and now…she’s spinning out too, and part of me thinks maybe I should just give up and make it stop myself. Yeah, I know the dire tone of that, and I know, logically, it’s the depression and grief talking. But it’s what I am feeling now and it is all encompassing and rather than getting up and cleaning and doing the things that might keep a roof over our heads…
I am paralyzed. The noise of the machinery is like a jackhammer to my brain.All the loss, the anxiety, the bad thoughts the depression is inflicting on me…It’s just too much to handle but on top of that, I get to feel like an utterly shitty person for even worrying about my own problems right now.
But all I have are problems and it’s hard to focus elsewhere. And the dark thoughts just keep coming and I am fighting them but…I am so exhausted from never sleeping well, from never being rested, from never having any sense of security or feeling in control of my own mind, let alone my life. Giving up seems like such a peaceful choice.
I won’t go there but the dark thoughts keep telling me I should, for everyone’s good.
Thank God I tuned out all the therapy crap about taming my rebellious attitude.
Right now my ability to tell even my own mind “go fuck yourself” is probably the only thing keeping me alive.