My dad brought by my gift, a gift card for Wal-Mart and my kid was having a fit because not one family memeber even thought to take her out to choose a gift for me…so even though the car is nearing E we drove the ten miles there and back.
The place was packed, of course. I was on red alert and trying to keep an eye on my kid all the while dodging elbow to elbow shoppers and hey, my stepmom and my dad were shopping there and even amidst that huge store and chaos…I ran into stepmom. Luckily I was getting new high top tennis shoes, something they’d approve of. And it’s sad that at 44, with a GIFT card, I still have to concern myself with buying practical stuff lest they jump my ass. And they do jump me and my sister, constantly, for buying soda, for smokes, for spending too much on gas to run around town…It’s ludicrous and yet…I did get some frivoulous stuff when I was sure she was on the other side of the store.
And that was when we hit a snag but I didn’t realize it til later. I was so rattled, so nervous, and my kid couldn’t decide on a gift for me yet she kept meandering off and pointing out all the stuff I SHOULD spend my Christmas money on to buy her (as if a $200 dollhouse mom got her and a fucking tablet I got her aren’t enough!!!) I know she is just a kid and kids do that but she takes it to an extreme. My parents used to give us a five dollar bill to buy them each a gift and I never once considered spending it on myself. Instead, I relished the joy of surprising them with something I had chosen. My kid…is different.
Anyway… I bought what I thought was a luxury eyeliner for ten bloody bucks…survived the trip out of the massive chaos of traffic, terrified and almost getting hit due to my own distraction…got home, turns out it was a waste of ten bucks cos it’s eye brow liner. Had I not been so panicked and distracted, I would have seen that. But I just wanted to get in and get out, I was desperate and terrified.
And that’s where the anxiety is the hitch in my personal and my old work life.
I get too panicked and scattered, I make stupid mistakes, and usually to my own detriment. Because in the middle of chaos, I can’t gather the racing thoughts and all the panic sensors going off. Even the doctors admit the physical symptoms of panic attacks mimick a heart attack and while it won’t kill me…if I can’t focus and gather my thoughts and pay attention…What good am I as an employee or even in a relationship?
I am distracted because the anxiety is too much, I cash a fifty and give them sixty in change by accident cos my brain says, no they gave you a hundred dollar bill. (true story and that was my mistake and I paid for it, literally and figuratively.)
In a relationship, I am exposed to too much chaos, I spend the night turning into a sweaty mess and throwing up in the bathroom.
And this was 20 years ago.
Since I had Spook, it’s gotten so much worse, like a cancer metastasizing and devouring my nervous system. I carry on about it because IT IS A BIG DEAL. And I fear it’s gonna result in a car wreck because I can’t keep my scattered brain focused. (Does not help with a kid in the back talking non stop.) I already had humper incident a couple years back because I was stressed by traffic and hit the gas too much instead of braking. Luckily no damage or injury occured but I was hesitant to drive for awhile after that.
How insurance can be allowed to refuse coverage of an ADD medicine that could help me focus and avoid being overtaken by the churning thoughts and anxiety is beyond me. And the way things are going with Trumpcare trying to obliterate Obamacare (which, also is not perfect, even if it benefits you, it’s got its issues,too) but I get a feeling very soon even my anti depressants will be denied unless they fall into certain categories, like ‘costs the insurance company over ten bucks’.
It’s criminal is what it is, denying coverage of a med that could benefit me so much. I mentioned it to the nurse doc and she just scoffed, “They only pay if you’re in school or working” then she pointed out that it’s the anxiety doing it, thus I don’t really need Focalin, I’m just confusing the lack of focus due to being anxious. I am surprised she hasn’t questioned my status as a human being, she seems to disbelieve every other thing out of my mouth.
I am just so frustrated and flustered…And depressed that I wasted ten bucks of my Christmas money on a product I will never use as I already have caterpillar eyebrows. If I had just been calm and focused…
But it’s my mistake and I get to live with it and that has been so much of my life story. Not every bad choice is because of my mental disorders, but many of them really are a direct result of those and it’s cruel that even my mental health professionals seem so dismissive of that fact.