Daily Archives: December 21, 2017

More Christmas Prep

I’m sitting here listening to Christmas music in one ear and the washing machine in the other.  Working and playing.  We’ll probably make sausage balls this afternoon after we pick up from he grocery store.   Our traditional Chirstmas breakfast is sausage balls and apple cobbler.  WE know it’s weird, but it works for us.  We snack on the sausage balls while the cobbler cooks on Christmas morning.

Waiting on the youngest to get home from school or the last day of school so that is a countdown.  If she gets home in time we’re going to lunch with Bob; if not, we’ll just eat here.

So sleepy this morning.  But I have stopped the Cokes again and started with water all day long.  I haven’t lost any weight since THanksgiving because I was so caught up in doing stuff I didn’t take care of myself.   I think I’m going to give up sweet tea for the new year.  I think I’ve plateaued with what I’ve been doing so I need to cut back even more to start losing again.

My mood is holding pretty well so far–I just can’t seem to get full when I eat.  That’s probably anther reason I”m not losing.  i’m not sure if i’s emotional eating or what.  We will see.

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#Not Everything Is My Fault Just Because I Have A Thought Disorder

Okay, so yeah, I am totally making fun of Twitter with the hashtag symbol because I think it’s asinine but til the season to be catty…

I am at the end of my rope with the sleep disturbance, R, my kid, and today I came to the shop with some bedding to dry and Kenny started in on when is he going to fix your dryer, this is costing money on the power bill…

Cripes, cut me a break here, flying spaghetti monster, God, Budha, whatever deity is pulling the strings of suckage.

It took forever for the melatonin to kick in last night. When it did, it was after 9:30. And bam, I was awake at 10:18 and while checking the time on my phone, I saw I had missed a call at 9:49 from his highness. Four years of being told not to call after nine p.m. as it impacts the effectiveness of my sleep pills and he still disregards it, ffs. That got the anxiety and agitation flowing. I woke again after midnight, after one, then around four, and on the one day my kid could have slept in an extra 15 minutes because it’s pajama day at school so there was no fashion crisis to battle…she wakes at 6 then wants to cuddle in my bed which entails her yapping, squirming, kicking, and basically not cuddling, just irking me. So the sleep experience was shoddy, as usual.

But since she woke me up, my brain started rioting again, stressing over R and this shop and oh, the hellidays. My sister and stepmonster had a public incident at Wal-Mart that involved kicking each other-all because dad and stepmonster got a Christmas card from one of my sister’s friends they don’t like and they were mad my sis gave out their address. WTF? This friend has been to their house multiple times, and all she did was mail a card, why is that kicking in public worthy? Of course, later the stepmonster called to apologize to my sister for being an ass but still…It does not bode well for the hellidays at mom’s house with dad’s faction and sis’s friends’ faction all present.

Already dreading it because this monstrosity of a dollhouse mom got my kid is like 4 feet tall and taking days and two people to assemble and we’re not even sure how to haul the damn thing home outside of dad bringing a truck into town and they bring the SUV for Christmas so my kid will have a toy at grandma’s she can’t get home til after Christmas…and Spook has already been on the warpath because I told her Santa couldn’t afford any Pokemon stuff cos she wanted a tablet and those cost a lot of money….so she had a melt down and started screaming and bawling about how I probably got her dollar store junk that breaks so easy and she hates me and I am the worse mom ever….last night’s battle was over her wearing her ‘favorite’ pajama shirt to school when it has stains on it. I finally relented because I wasn’t going to get peace otherwise and maybe that is my downfall, but I also told her when the kids tease her and the school turns me in for not providing my kid with unstained clothing, I hope she enjoys reaping what she has sewn. I may suck at folding and putting away laundry, but that child NEVER goes without clean, unstained clothes.

That’s pretty much been my entire week, her tantrums, R’s lack of respect, now Kenny making me feel shitty for using a dryer that isn’t his, isn’t on his property, and won’t affect the amount he pays to live here, anyway, because I already told R about not raising his rent simply because he doesn’t have time to fix my dryer. He was supposed to do it last weekend but oh, stuff came up. Yet the other night he was off to fix a neighbor’s washer cos wifey asked him to. I’VE BEEN WAITING SIX WEEKS FOR MY DRYER TO GET FIXED!!!! If this doesn’t help with my decision whether to burn this bridge to the ground, nothing will. I am at the bottom of the food chain and no amount of hoops I jump through will change this. He is who he is and frankly, it’s oppressive and dragging me down.

I have to break up with his shop and since I know that displeasing him comes with backlash, it will mean the end of the friendship, thus I’ll be breaking up with Mrs. R, too, and I really, really like her. But..I can’t live 7 days a week waking with panic attacks because this man is running himself into the ground and expects me to go along with him. It’s unhealthy. I’d be better off waiting tables or washing dishes. Then I’d know the boss would respect me enough not to call after 9 p.m. and oh, I’d be making minimum wage instead of waiting for this elusive promise of a car which isn’t even necessarily the car I want.

Sounds so simple.

Doing it gracefully….not so simple. Last time I told him I wasn’t up to doing his shop bidding he went off, told me he was carrying me, and that I needed to stand on my own two feet. We didn’t speak for 5 months.

I hate burning bridges but some people leave you no choice. I will attempt to do it in a semi professional manner with a resignation letter utizling positive words and emphasizing no ill will. What he does after that is out of my hands.

Now…to work up the nerve to do it. Man, one thing the counselors could have taught me was how to handle confrontation gracefully. I suck at that.

But then, when everything always ends up being blamed on you and your wrong perceptions, every single time….You start viewing it mathmatically. If you have a problem with 99% of the people you encounter the only common denominator is you, so you must be the only problem. YOU suck.

Except sometimes…it’s not me. And sometimes, it’s a little me and a lot of others. I have no problem owning my faults but when I am trying to be honorable, respectful, and honest and it bites me on the ass because someone else has a personality disorder…

Hard to have faith in the goodness of people when they keep proving you wrong.


Got Advice?

Not even 8 p.m. yet and I’ve already taken melatonin because my brain is on overload. Tough couple of days with my kid and her anger bursts. This situation with R and the shop has me waking up before the alarm even goes off in a panic, brain swirling because the man had the nerve to tell me to ‘get more business coming into the shop’. He won’t spend a dime on advertising locally and December-March are usually very dead months anyway due to Christmas sales and then tax refunds, people buy new stuff instead of fixing old stuff. And that statement from him made me feel like it’s somehow my fault that business is slower than he’d like.

I even talked to Kenny about it and he happens to agree with me. R is letting that shop get a bad rep by working two jobs and repairs taking so long. And the way he does things really irritates me. He fixes new items that net better profit over finishing the stuff that’s been sitting there since August. His only commitment is to beer and money. And I am sick of living in anxious misery. At least if I got my meds straight enough (and going back to Dr. B should be a good start, hell, he might even decide that day program might benefit me whereas the nurse never even brought it up) and at this point…I’ll figure out child care, I’ll do what I have to in order to get out of this endless cycle of having to be R’s welcome mat all in hopes of some gas money and this alleged car at the end of the rainbow.

I do apologize if it seems like I blame all my problems on him, but he is a large source of my stress and it aggravates the pre-existing condition. And the plan to stop drinking isn’t going to go well if he keeps showing up with mangoritas in hand, even when I have told him NOT to bring them. He sold me briefly on this, “That nurse doesn’t know you, I know you, and you don’t have a drinking problem.”

I probably should not be taking advice from a man who drinks 7 days a week, 365 days a year, even if he does manage to hold two jobs and make lots of money. But he’s my friend and he’s done some good things for me and I really don’t want the friendship to blow up or end. I just need to do my own thing for awhile and right now, that means getting myself straightened out and getting me and Spook into counseling because there is something wrong with the level of anger that child has and it’s always over being told ‘no’. She’s turned my home life into a living hell 5 days a week and I am sticking to my guns and not being yes mom, but she scares the hell out of me when she goes off.

Of course, R will never comprehend the importance of this. I am expected to juggle everything the way he and his uber wife and children do and it was never who I was nor who I am going to be. It’s like this vortex of suck with him, where he sucks me into what he wants and what I want is not even an afterthought. He has decided I need a different, better car-but oh, wait, it’s got to be the model he likes. I get no say in it, his mind is made up. What 44 year old woman wants someone to treat her like a child and tell her ‘this is what you’re going to drive co it’s what I like’? He’s being unreasonable and unfair. There are no boundaries anymore. Like the night his wife stormed into my home and they started bickering then cussing each other. I don’t need the stress.

So…If anyone reads this and has experience with emotionally stunted money hungry narcissists…please, please, please, tell me how to bow out gracefully and not start some sort of war. This shop thing is the closest I have to a work reference since 2002 and I do hope to get off disability soon so I kind of need to have him say good things about me. If I handle this wrong, it’s not going to end well for me.

Then again, it’s not going too well keeping the peace, either.

Seriously…The three or so people who read my posts…ANY ADVICE? Help. Please.