Daily Archives: December 19, 2017

IF I…

If I had big dreams
what would they be?
If I could say anything to you
What would I say?
If I could hold your hand forever
How hard would I squeeze?
If I cry into your shoulder
Would you lean into me?

If my story were being told
Would you listen?
If my heart was broken
Could you mend it?
If I asked for forgiveness
Would you give it?
If I told you I am bipolar
Would you stay?


On Fire

The darkness sets my brain on fire
Thoughts are a flash
Worries roam the room
Perseveration crowds my dreams
Clock ticks in the background
Time lost in the present
Shadows prey upon my space
No candle bright enough
To carry me home
Settle these fears
Eyes close to madness
Ricocheting between my ears


Butterfly, My Butterfly

Originally posted on Being Lydia!:
I have always marveled at the process from which the lowly little caterpillar turns into the beautiful butterfly. I won’t go into the graphic details, but it isn’t easy. The caterpillar spends most of its time eating leaves and molting until it just can’t eat any more.  Then it hangs…

Emotional Balance Is The New Happy

20 plus years of counseling pretty much ran me into the ground, made me more confused than I already was, and taught me very little. And I know why. Because society insists we all embrace the exact same things to gain normalcy. Pursuit of happiness is a joke, and a fallacy, for a depressive mind. It’s setting yourself up to fail.

So to avoid the insanity of doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome…

My new goal…forget happy.

I want to be an emotionally balanced person.
her
Balance can tip a bit either way so perfection is not reqired and that is a prerequisite when dealing with bipolar disorder. Perfection will never be attained. Reaching for it will be your repeated failure. Accepting that balance may well be the best you can do-and just might be even better than the so called norm of happiness, could be just the right medicine for me.

My measure of well being will be how far the scales tilt one way or the other. Part of reaching my goal of being emotionally well balanced will be the elimination of certain stress inducers. Cutting out cancer in a body is considered part of the cure, and I think the same can be said of emotional things. Someone or something that is cancerous to me emotionally and cannot be met with a compromise needs to be excised.

The professionals can tell me I am wrong to view it this way, intolerant, incapable of acceptance, not taking responsibility for my own poor character….whatever terms they want to flog me with…it’s no longer relevant.

I went to see a qualified mental health nurse practitioner and rather than do anything to help me, she made me feel like I should go kill myself. Her fault? My fault? Bad fit? It doesn’t matter. It sparked a desire in me to change things because if I wait for these professionals to help me, I might as well drink the Kool Aid now. They don’t see me often enough to know me, and furthermore, they simply don’t care. They are doing a job same as the guy who sells me gas for my car and I don’t expect him to care that I can’t stop crying or that I am always so irate and anxious, I feel I need hospitalized to avoid ‘going off’. So why should I expect psych professionals to do more than their bare minimum? They are there to push labels and pills, not give a damn about their patients, apparently.

Counselors are pretty much the same. At least the new regime. Twenty years ago I believed in therapy and felt to an extent, it helped. Since the focus went to cognitive and the counselors seem more tough love than empathetic and supportive…I’d like to cut out the middleman.

No one can beat me up emotionally better than I can beat myself up.

If this comes off as bitter, it’s really not.

I’ve found some clarity in the last few days. I no longer want to take meds that make me nauseated or cause me to throw up. I no longer want to try to fit into some cookie cutter mold where I chase this happy thing when all I want is my brain to be more well than sick. Maybe some of us aren’t meant to be happy. Maybe some of us require the struggle and strife to make it all worthwhile. Nothing wrong with that.

Amazing what a good night’s sleep can do. And I did wake up a few times but I went right back down. No booze. Just my bedtime Xanax and 6mg melatonin on top of only getting 4 hours sleep the night before. Guess the key to feeling truly rested is to just wear myself down to nothing over a couple of days. Doesn’t sound healthy or optimal but it beats the hell out of that Vistaril the psych nurse prescribed. I don’t understand why they can’t grasp that any med that renders me too loopy to get out of bed when my kid is crying at night is a hindrance rather than help. That’s not non compliance, that is wanting to be able to be a mom.

And any professional who could make that seem like a bad thing is very bad at their job.

So…balance. I am going to find it eventually. It’s one goal I’m not going to give up on, no matter how defeated my psych professionals make me feel.

I hope for the sake of their other patients they just don’t like me because otherwise…it means they really suck at their job and should be sued for malpractice.


Christmas Cards

So yesterday I am undoing Christmas cards we got in the mail and I come across one from the salesman’s family.  My heart just about stops when I realize it’s a photo card.  But I open it and take a look.  My first actual thought on looking at it is that he looks good for having gone through chemotherapy and radiation for cancer. And then I realize that that’s all I’m thinking.  No heart throbbing, heavy breathing, or anything else.  So I think maybe I am finally over all that.  That was a good realization to come to.

I have a busy day today. I go get my hair cut and colored, then go see Tillie, then go to lunch with my old friend.  We will see how it all goes.  Then I’m pretty much done running around.  Then a couple of days of laundry.  Not much to be anxious over.

Well, I need to get ready if I am leaving soon.  Hope everyone’s week is going well.

 


Penny Positive #41

From An Optimist’s Calendar

 


Feeling Down? Scientists Say Cooking and Baking Could Help You Feel Better

Ok people take out the flour, butter and eggs, put on your gloves and start baking, cooking, all of these will make you feel better, more in control and happier even the next day! And there really is a journal called The Journal of Positive Psychology! Happy baking, cooking and creating! ‘Tis the season 🎄

https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/feeling-down-scientists-say-cooking-and-baking-may-help-you-feel-better-180961223/?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=socialmedia

Cooking or baking has become a common cure for stress or feeling down, but there might actually be some science to why small creative tasks might make people feel better. According to a new study, a little creativity each day can go a long way towards happiness and satisfaction in the bustle of daily life.

The study, published in the Journal of Positive Psychology, suggests that people who frequently take a turn at small, creative projects report feeling more relaxed and happier in their everyday lives. The researchers followed 658 people for about two weeks, and found that doing small, everyday things like cooking and baking made the group feel more enthusiastic about their pursuits the next day, Daisy Meager reports for Munchies.

“There is growing recognition in psychology research that creativity is associated with emotional functioning,” Tamlin Conner, a psychologist with the University of Otago in New Zealand and lead author on the study tells Tom Ough for The Telegraph. “However, most of this work focuses on how emotions benefit or hamper creativity, not whether creativity benefits or hampers emotional well-being.”

By following detailed diaries kept by the study subjects, Connor found that in addition to feeling happier, people who worked on little creative projects every day also felt they were “flourishing”—a psychological term that describes the feeling of personal growth. That could mean that the good feeling that comes with pulling a freshly-baked loaf of bread out of the oven could carry over into the next day, making that baker more likely to keep on with their little acts of creative cooking, Ough writes.

This isn’t the first time researchers have drawn a line connecting making food with positive feelings. In recent years, psychologists have started spending more time exploring cooking and baking as a therapeutic tool to help people dealing with things like depression and anxiety, Meager reports.

“When I’m in the kitchen, measuring the amount of sugar, flour or butter I need for a recipe or cracking the exact number of eggs—I am in control,” baker John Whaite, who won “The Great British Bake Off” in 2012, told Farhana Dawood for the BBC. “That’s really important as a key element of my condition is a feeling of no control.”

For people like Whaite, who was diagnosed with manic depression in 2005, baking can help their mood by providing small tasks to focus on in a manner similar to meditation. In order to put together a good meal, cooks have to be constantly in the moment, adding ingredients, adjusting the heat of the stove and tasting their food to make sure everything will come out alright—all of which can be helpful techniques in treating some forms of mental illness, wrote Huma Qureshi for The Guardian in 2013.

“A lot of us turn to baking when we’re feeling low,” Melanie Denyer, the founder of the Depressed Cake Shop, a bakery designed to draw awareness to mental health conditions, tells Dawood. “Some of us even started baking because they were ill and needed something simple as a focus.

Baking may not be a be-all-end-all cure for mental illness, but anyone in need of lifted spirits should consider pulling out the flour and warming up the oven.


How Our Brains Inhibit Our Unwanted Thoughts

GABA, an inhibitory neurotransmitter is involved in intrusive thoughts, rumination and even hallucinations. If the levels of GABA are low in the hippocampus, then it will be difficult to control our thoughts. GABA, GABA, my kingdom for GABA!

https://www.technologynetworks.com/neuroscience/news/brain-mechanism-that-inhibits-unwanted-memories-uncovered-293915

Scientists have identified a key chemical within the ‘memory’ region of the brain that allows us to suppress unwanted thoughts, helping explain why people who suffer from disorders such as anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression, and schizophrenia often experience persistent intrusive thoughts when these circuits go awry.

We are sometimes confronted with reminders of unwanted thoughts — thoughts about unpleasant memories, images or worries. When this happens, the thought may be retrieved, making us think about it again even though we prefer not to. While being reminded in this way may not be a problem when our thoughts are positive, if the topic was unpleasant or traumatic, our thoughts may be very negative, worrying or ruminating about what happened, taking us back to the event.

“Our ability to control our thoughts is fundamental to our wellbeing,” explains Professor Michael Anderson from the Medical Research Council Cognition and Brain Sciences Unit, which recently transferred to the University of Cambridge. “When this capacity breaks down, it causes some of the most debilitating symptoms of psychiatric diseases: intrusive memories, images, hallucinations, ruminations, and pathological and persistent worries. These are all key symptoms of mental illnesses such as PTSD, schizophrenia, depression, and anxiety.”

Professor Anderson likens our ability to intervene and stop ourselves retrieving particular memories and thoughts to stopping a physical action. “We wouldn’t be able to survive without controlling our actions,” he says. “We have lots of quick reflexes that are often useful, but we sometimes need to control these actions and stop them from happening. There must be a similar mechanism for helping us stop unwanted thoughts from occurring.”

A region at the front of the brain known as the prefrontal cortex is known to play a key role in controlling our actions and has more recently been shown to play a similarly important role in stopping our thoughts. The prefrontal cortex acts as a master regulator, controlling other brain regions – the motor cortex for actions and the hippocampus for memories.

In research published today in the journal Nature Communications, a team of scientists led by Dr Taylor Schmitz and Professor Anderson used a task known as the ‘Think/No-Think’ procedure to identify a significant new brain process that enables the prefrontal cortex to successfully inhibit our thoughts.

In the task, participants learn to associate a series of words with a paired, but otherwise unconnected, word, for example ordeal/roach and moss/north. In the next stage, participants are asked to recall the associated word if the cue is green or to suppress it if the cue is red; in other words, when shown ‘ordeal’ in red, they are asked to stare at the word but to stop themselves thinking about the associated thought ‘roach’.

Using a combination of functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) and magnetic resonance spectroscopy, the researchers were able to observe what was happening within key regions of the brain as the participants tried to inhibit their thoughts. Spectroscopy enabled the researchers to measure brain chemistry, and not just brain activity, as is usually done in imaging studies.

Professor Anderson, Dr Schmitz and colleagues showed that the ability to inhibit unwanted thoughts relies on a neurotransmitter – a chemical within the brain that allows messages to pass between nerve cells – known as GABA. GABA is the main ‘inhibitory’ neurotransmitter in the brain, and its release by one nerve cell can suppress activity in other cells to which it is connected. Anderson and colleagues discovered that GABA concentrations within the hippocampus – a key area of the brain involved in memory – predict people’s ability to block the retrieval process and prevent thoughts and memories from returning.

“What’s exciting about this is that now we’re getting very specific,” he explains. “Before, we could only say ‘this part of the brain acts on that part’, but now we can say which neurotransmitters are likely important – and as a result, infer the role of inhibitory neurons – in enabling us to stop unwanted thoughts.”

“Where previous research has focused on the prefrontal cortex – the command centre – we’ve shown that this is an incomplete picture. Inhibiting unwanted thoughts is as much about the cells within the hippocampus – the ‘boots on the ground’ that receive commands from the prefrontal cortex. If an army’s foot-soldiers are poorly equipped, then its commanders’ orders cannot be implemented well.”

The researchers found that even within his sample of healthy young adults, people with less hippocampal GABA (less effective ‘foot-soldiers’) were less able to suppress hippocampal activity by the prefrontal cortex—and as a result much worse at inhibiting unwanted thoughts.

The discovery may answer one of the long-standing questions about schizophrenia. Research has shown that people affected by schizophrenia have ‘hyperactive’ hippocampi, which correlates with intrusive symptoms such as hallucinations. Post-mortem studies have revealed that the inhibitory neurons (which use GABA) in the hippocampi of these individuals are compromised, possibly making it harder for the prefrontal cortex to regulate activity in this structure. This suggests that the hippocampus is failing to inhibit errant thoughts and memories, which may be manifest as hallucinations.

According to Dr Schmitz: “The environmental and genetic influences that give rise to hyperactivity in the hippocampus might underlie a range of disorders with intrusive thoughts as a common symptom.”

In fact, studies have shown that elevated activity in the hippocampus is seen in a broad range of conditions such as PTSD, anxiety and chronic depression, all of which include a pathological inability to control thoughts – such as excessive worrying or rumination.

While the study does not examine any immediate treatments, Professor Anderson believes it could offer a new approach to tackling intrusive thoughts in these disorders. “Most of the focus has been on improving functioning of the prefrontal cortex,” he says, “but our study suggests that if you could improve GABA activity within the hippocampus, this may help people to stop unwanted and intrusive thoughts.”

This article has been republished from materials provided by Cambridge University. Note: material may have been edited for length and content. For further information, please contact the cited source.

Schmitz, TW et al. Hippocampal GABA enables inhibitory control over unwanted thoughts. Nature Communications; 3 Nov 2017; DOI: 10.1038/s41467-017-00956-z


After searching 12 years for bipolar disorder’s cause, team concludes it has many

This team has identified 7 causes for bipolar disorder. They don’t think any one gene is responsible as one has never been identified. Also people with bipolar disorder are much more likely to suffer from migraines than non diseased counter parts. This includes me, I’ve had migraines since I was 13 and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 25 years if age. Also childhood trauma is a factor. Fascinating article. Below for your reading pleasure.

https://m.medicalxpress.com/news/2017-12-years-bipolar-disorder-team.html

Bipolar disorder is characterized by transitions between depression and mania. Credit: Wikipedia

Nearly 6 million Americans have bipolar disorder, and most have probably wondered why. After more than a decade of studying over 1,100 of them in-depth, a University of Michigan team has an answer – or rather, seven answers.

In fact, they say, no one genetic change, or chemical imbalance, or life event, lies at the heart of every case of the mental health condition once known as manic depression.

Rather, every patient’s experience with bipolar disorder varies from that of others with the condition. But all of their experiences include features that fall into seven classes of phenotypes, or characteristics that can be observed, the team reports in a new paper in the International Journal of Epidemiology.

The team, from U-M’s Heinz C. Prechter Bipolar Research Program, collected and analyzed tens of thousands of data points over years about the genetics, emotions, life experiences, medical histories, motivations, diets, temperaments, sleep patterns and thought patterns of research volunteers. More than 730 had bipolar disorder, and 277 didn’t. Three-quarters of them are currently active research participants in the Longitudinal Study of Bipolar Disorder.

Using those findings, the team has developed a framework that could be useful to researchers studying the condition, clinical teams treating it, and patients experiencing it. The team hopes it will give them all a common structure to use during studies, treatment decisions and more.

“There are many routes to this disease, and many routes through it,” says Melvin McInnis, M.D., lead author of the new paper and head of the program based at the U-M Depression Center. “We have found that there are many biological mechanisms which drive the disease, and many interactive external influences on it. All of these elements combine to affect the disease as patients experience it.”

The Prechter program, funded by gifts from many donors, is named for a late Detroit automotive pioneer who fought bipolar even as he built a successful business.

Long-term funding from this program has made it possible to build a massive library of data from the “Prechter cohort” of patients, which is two-thirds female, and 79 percent white, with an average age at enrollment in the study of 38 years. On average, participants had had their first depressive or manic episode when they were 17, and many had other mental health conditions.

Seven classes and the key findings that shaped them

The seven phenoclasses, as the U-M team has dubbed them, include standard measures doctors already use to diagnose and track the progress of bipolar disorder.

In addition, they include:

• changes in cognition, which includes thinking, reasoning and emotion processing;

• psychological dimensions such as personality and temperament;

• measures of behaviors related to substance use or abuse – called motivated behaviors;

• aspects of the person’s life story involving family and intimate relationships and traumas;

• patterns of sleep and circadian rhythms; and

• measures of how patients’ symptoms change over time and respond to treatment.

Some of the key findings made in the Prechter cohort by the U-M team include:

• Migraine headaches are three and a half times more common among people with bipolar disorder than those without. Eating disorders, anxiety disorders and alcohol problems are also more common in those with bipolar, as is metabolic syndrome.

• More people with bipolar disorder have a history of childhood trauma than those without the condition, it is associated with changes in self-control and attention.

• People with bipolar disorder had higher levels of saturated fats in their diets, and the research also found associations between levels of certain fat molecules in the blood of patients and their mood or level of symptoms.

• Looking at the microbes living in the gastrointestinal tracts of patients and comparison volunteers, the researchers found lower levels of a key bacteria type, and less diversity of microbes in patients taking antipsychotic medications.

• Poor sleep appears to play a key role in bipolar disorder, with links found to severity of depression and mania in female, but not male, participants with the condition. Other gender differences also emerged in other aspects of the study.

• People with bipolar disorder who have a strong neurotic tendency in their personalities are more likely to have severe illness, especially among men.

• A range of cognitive abilities – including memory, executive functioning and motor skills – were poorer in participants with bipolar than those without, in general. The study found a particular link between the cognitive abilities of people who carried a particular genetic trait and were taking newer antipsychotic medicines.

• Two genes, called CACNA1 and ANK3, appear to play a role in susceptibility to developing bipolar disorder. But many genetic variations have been found to be associated with bipolar risk, and more recent findings have explored the role of having a mix of these variations in the chances a person will develop bipolar.

• Stem cells grown from skin samples taken from participants, and then coaxed to grow into nerve cells called neurons, have proven useful in studying cellular aspects of bipolar disorder. For instance, neurons derived from bipolar patients’ cells were more excitable than comparisons – but calmed down when exposed to lithium, a common treatment for bipolar. Also, the cells show differences in how they interact and function.

• Key features of speech patterns predict mood states and may be useful outcomes measures to predict the need for intervention to prevent episodes of mania or depression.

Even though bipolar disorder tends to run in families, the long-term study has revealed no one gene that ‘carries the day’ to explain it, says McInnis, who is the Woodworth Professor of Bipolar Disorder and Depression in the U-M Medical School’s Department of Psychiatry.

“If there was a gene with a strong effect like what we see in breast cancer, for instance, we would have found it,” he explains. “We hope this new framework will provide a new approach to understand this disorder, and other complex diseases, by developing models that can guide a management strategy for clinicians and patients, and give researchers consistent variables to measure and assess.”

He adds, “Bipolar disorder has a lot to teach humankind about other illnesses, because it covers the breadths of human mood, emotion and behavior like no other condition. What we can learn in bipolar about all these factors will be directly applicable to monitoring other disorders, and personalizing the approach to managing them.”

More information: Melvin G McInnis et al, Cohort Profile: The Heinz C. Prechter Longitudinal Study of Bipolar Disorder, International Journal of Epidemiology (2017). DOI: 10.1093/ije/dyx229

The Prechter Bipolar Research Program is still recruiting participants for its long-term study, and accepting donations from those who want to help the research move forward. More information is available at www.prechterprogram.org


Two Showers In Three Days and a Dye Job? It’s a holiday miracle!

YES. TWO showers in three days. I haven’t met that high a standard since it was in the 90’s over the summer and I showered just to cool down and escape my own sweat. Guess a vegetative day or two helped motivate me. AND I finally covered that godawful green hair color with my usual jet black. (Seriously, how could a psych professional not see me with a bad dye job, of a color I can’t stand, and think that’s not a red flag?) Next up, lighten it enough for the ruby red to take, but I am only doing that on top, keeping the black on the bottom. Whether it’s done before next year, who knows. I just didn’t want green hair for Christmas in the rare rare event my idget family might actually want to take a picture of my daughter and I. Which they NEVER do.

In spite of my sleep disturbed night, which ran until 5:30 a.m. this morning and just as I started to nod off…bing bing bing, alarm goes off. And once I get her off to school after her screaming at me for making her wear a coat…the thoughts started spinning and I couldn’t fall back asleep no matter how exhausted I was or how much the rest was needed.

I did take my last few dollars and got her some Chintzy gifts that she will likely be disappointed in and break the first hour but her tablet wasn’t exactly cheap. In fact, it’s gonna make sure we have no gas in the car or cash to do anything over her break but hopefully that gift will please her for ten minutes. Not like I can compete when my mom goes out and spends $150 on a four foot tall dollhouse, then my sister buys her $30 goth dolls to play in it. One more reason I despise Christmas. Mom makes it a competition none of the rest of us can compete in because we’d rather have a roof overhead, heat, electricity, etc. Bet ten bucks by December 27th they will be crying they have no food, blame it all on spending too much for Christmas and the big meal, and NONE of us outside their house gives a rat’s ass about pricey gifts or even a big meal. But they make the same stupid choices month after month, every damned Christmas, and we’re supposed to feel bad they find food a secondary concern. If I sound bitter, it’s actually just exhaustion because nothing’s changed with my mom since I was a kid and she’d bounce checks to cover Christmas and sadly, she’s turned my sister into her, borrowing money, getting things on credit…Telling me how they had no money for a week for food, then my sister texts me a picture of her $80 new bed set.

Maybe the one correct perception R has ever had about me that has remained consistent over 20 years is when he asks, :”Are you sure you’re not adopted? You’re so much smarter than them!”

I’ve had my dumbass moments (thanks, manic episodes, the wrong meds, and credit cards, bye bye 1990’s, good riddance) but I have devoted myself to changing bad habits and ya know what helps the most? MOOD STABILIZERS. Before the bipolar 2 diagnosis, the ass trash shrink I had labeled me dysthymic and fed me handfuls of anti depressants for years, which of course, made my manic episodes worse. Not absolving my responsibility but I do look back and wonder how different my life might have been if it hadn’t taken 13-ish years to get a proper diagosis. At some point, I have to be able to say I’ve made amends best I can for my shitty past, I am doing better in so many ways, and the guilt has to stop being perpetuated. (My pschy pro lady ain’t gonna let that happen, but hey, at least her office faxed the pharmacy for my Xanax refill, for a moment I thought she might take it away to punish me for my brief affair with ritas.)

That whole doc nurse thing is devouring me and while it has been a problem for months, this last visit pushed it full tilt. Hopefully post monthly curse and holiday stress I will be more objective and not spew venom and just call it for what it is. A very very very bad fit. Anyone who could doubt my sincerity, or think that I’m not on the edge and in need of a little more than an anti histamine for sleep…Not a good fit. Of course, it’s gonna look like sour grapes, me switching back to Dr. B after that, but I can live with being called on the carpet for bad choices. I cannot abide the disrespectful keyboard clacking after I told her how it rattled me and I won’t be forced to endure a professional who makes me feel suicidal. My self esteem issues are my own, but her detachment and apathy/uber professionlism…Bad fit.

Yes, I need to let it go already but this is my process.

Still…I got some stuff done today. I made my kid an oreo no bake cake dessert, made a batch of fake snow for her to play in, we watched a movie together and didn’t fight because I realized the other day when she fussed that I said no more Mangoritas (which means no more trips to the store to get frosties and candy for her) and she said, “But mom, mangoritas keep you from being evil!” I actually found that sad and amusing but I stuck to my guns. I feel better without the booze but honestly…I’m gonna have a slip or two eventually and I cannot let it be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Getting older doesn’t mean you become perfect. I can only do my best and remember what my kid said to me. Because if ritas are the only thing that make me likeable, I have essentially become R and his beer and wow…I think I’d rather be the vampire Lestat, less of a bad influence.

Now it’s not yet 8 p.m., Spook is down, I am melatonined, and hoping for sleep soon. Decent, solid sleep. Hope springs eternal then dies a brutal death. I feel good about the things I accomplished over the break from the shop’s madness and R’s stalker-y controlling-ness.

Back down the rabbit hole but at least come Friday, I know I am out of there for two weeks at least. He treats me as so insignificant and replaceable, please please do. I don’t want the car anyway, he’d own my soul forever. Not literally but I would be expected to be at his beck and call 24-7 even for shit that has nothing to do with the shop and I am NOT a personal assistant and I am sick of being taken advantage of. Maybe a couple of weeks distance will give me some insight and clarity.

I need to get off the carousel before I start projectile vomiting very nasty insulting words toward the people stressing me out. Brain reboot. Since doc nurse didn’t even consider it as a way for me to cope better…I am prescribing it for myself. I will live with the consequences. Ohh, no new-ish car? Yeah, heard that one for six years, never happened. Dangling carrot just to keep me trotting along the track. Done.

But seriously…I’m shaky but as long as the mind cooperates, I am managing.

I just don’t think upright and managing is a ringing endorsement for my med regime, or my psych professional. Even screw ups are entitled to a chance at meds that help them feel less hopeless and have fewer side effects.

I will take my miracles and victories and try to cling to them the next four days before I am free to have my meltdown. And with Christmas and family…it’s coming. Only question is…will it be the out of hospital kind of breakdown or the lock down version?

Tragic Hate Ball says ask again later.