Daily Archives: December 8, 2017

Unstable Thought Disorder

I heard schizophrenia referred to as a ‘thought disorder’ and it got me to thinking how misleading it is for the DSM (Dumbassery Simpleton Manual) to classify bipolar and depression as ‘mood disorders’. Because were they simply mood disorders, we would not require massive amounts of medications to balance them, nor would we need constant therapy shoved down our throats because hey, you can ‘snap out’ of a bad mood, or a bad mood can simply pass with time. When something is your constant companion and a way of life…

Seems to me that is a thought disorder indeed.

Last week my stress level reached fever pitch and my thoughts kept telling me I was coming undone, hospital straightjacket ready. I was convinced the sky was falling, the nurse doc basically assassinated my character and invalidated my very existence, and that having the landlord’s people fix my furnace would result in eviction simply because *someone* doesn’t like my standard of tidiness. I was hell bent on this all being factual because it was how I felt, how I was thinking, and it was very real at that time.

This week, however, after a bit of time away from the shop and drama and trauma…plus getting the heat fixed and surviving the packed auditorium for my daughter’s Christmas program…I know my mental stability is tenuous, at best, but my thoughts seem less disordered, less convinced of doom. I am thinking more clearly.

And while the psych professionals don’t seem to lend it much credence, I think a lot of it is every month I experience brutal menstrual dysphoria to the extent that I may as well be pregnant, the hormone overload is so extreme. That’s 10 days a month and by the time I regain equilibrium from that, I am still battling the pre-existing bipolar and anxiety thus my thoughts are often distorted, amplified, or downright wrong. This is a thought disorder.

The psychiatric community is reluctant to call bipolar and depression as such because so often, bipolar isn’t accompanied by psychosis, so we don’t hear voices or see things that aren’t there. We still perceive things incorrectly and the ebb and flow of it all isn’t simply a ‘mood disorder’. Moods can pass, shift, swing, but in rapid cycling bipolar…It’s just a constant roller coaster ride of thought disorders, never being able to trust yourself, wondering if you are always wrong or misconstruing things. The self doubt alone could drive a person mad.

Let’s not leave out the self loathing the thought disorder leads to. Going through life with a legitimate disability yet being made to feel like a lazy, weak, parasite at every turn really wrecks your self image and confidence.And for me, the constant varying opinions, diagnoses, and general attitudes of the psych professionals who are supposed to help me, are a hindrance that increases my self loathing.

I am far from perfect. I make poor choices. Some when my disordered thoughts overwhelm my common sense, some by conscious choice to simply ignore the angel on my shoulder and go with the devil on the other one telling me it’s okay to occasionally be a rebel and have a few drinks to unwind. At least I am honest about and not deluding myself. I have a coping disorder. I also have mega self esteem issues, but how am I ever going to deal with those when my psych professionals are making me feel invalidated?

So in addition to the thought disorders, there is very real anxiety disorder which mimicks the physical symptoms of a cardiac episode and honestly, it wears me down. To have a psych pro like nurse doc seem so dismissive of that really makes me question this whole ‘treatment’ thing. If they are causing more harm than good…Maybe I’d be better off just drinking myself into oblivion daily.

Or maybe that is a disordered thought brought on by frustration and healthcare professional who is simply a wrong fit for my needs.

Never knowing for sure which is fact is a bitch.


Well.  The weather decided to play a trick on us here in central Mississippi and give us three inches of snow.  My youngest is out of school but her older sister does not have snow at college and was supposed to come home today, so we don’t know what to advise her to do as far as driving down.  She’s never driven on snow before.  SO she may come in tomorrow.

Not sure what else is going to happen today.  Candy and Christy were supposed to come and help me today, but with school closed I doubt that happens.  I guess I can see what kind of headway I can make with my youngest helping.

Got a big surprise the other day,  I was in a bookstore and saw that the Mississippi Encyclopedia was out. I took a look at it. Way, way back beore I was even diagnosed bipolar, I was solicited to write a few articles for it–sent an ad asking for writers for it.  So I did a few articles.  THen the project languished and was rebooted under new management.

SO I didn’t think any more about the articles I had written. I was looking at the book in the bookstore and flipped to the name of one of the people I had written about, and FOUND MY NAME ON THE ARTICLE.  I wrote the people and found out they have used two pieces i did.  SO I added it to my resume and posted my discovery on facebook.  Such a cool feeling.  Now I need to get a copy of it to keep.

Hope everyone has a good weekend.



Penny Positive #36

From An Optimist’s Calendar