No trigger intended…
But it’s a legitimate question our psych professionals ask us…Most of, I am betting, are truthful 85% of the time…The other 15%…being suicidal is very different from simply being so exhausted you want to cease to exist.
There have been times in my life when I was so down, so desperate, so in need of peace…Yes, I was suicidal and maybe it was more than ideation. Maybe in those dark moments I formulated a plan.
More often, though, there was no will to live. Just a will to sleep, to not feel anxious, to not be depressed, to not feel like the demands of others were pulling me limb from limb…Thus the desire to simply cease to exist was prevalent.
The psych professionals don’t seem to grasp this concept as well as if you plainly say, “Yeah, I wannt kill myself.”
That is THEIR failure. Assuming simply because we don’t intend to harm ourselves that we are not in the clutches of a dire mental cycle is simply wrong. Take us seriously because we are here, trying to bare our souls, and admit…we don’t know how much more we can’t take before we simply break.
Ignoring us (as my psych nurse/doc/indian chief, whatever she is, does) is bordering on malpractice. Of course, I don’t want to be hospitalized, and of course, I don’t want to hurt myself…I live for my child, my cats, my love of music, TV, books, writing….There ARE things out there I still love and enjoy.
BUT if my psychiatric state prohibits me from enjoying said things, let alone valuing them…Yeah, wanting to cease to exist is just as serious as suicidal ideation.
I’ve reached out so many times only to be swatted away (my perception, likely not their intent, but same result)…if someone says “I want to curl up on a ball and not live anymore” it SHOULD be as alarming as someone who admits they want to harm themselves.
Yet constantly we are dismissed, dismayed, and it helps fuel whatever personality disorder issues we may have by feeding our hostility, hatred, and resentment of not being heard.
Perhaps rather than asking us if we want to harm ourselves, the more pertinent question is…DO YOU HAVE ANY DESIRE TO KEEP FIGHTING TO LIVE?
Mine is there but waning and I really think that should make my psych professional care.
Alas..it did not.