I talked to a guy today who said his Obamacare payments are going feom $600 a month for him and his wife to $2500 a month, thanks to Trump and the Republicans going after the ACA. This is a man who worked 45 years as a firefighter, and his entire pension doesn’t add up to that new peremium for health insurance. The state is also trying to pillage the savings funds the firefighters and police worked hard to accumulate. And it just hit me how much trouble this country and its citizens are in right now.
My ability to cope is decreasing by the day.
I hear how people in their 70’s are working two jobs to get by and I am filled with self disgust that I can’t even handle what ‘little’ is on my plate, though with mental health issues, it’s not little at all. I am constantly nervous and my stomach is in knots. I have very little hope for the future, very little confidence in myself toward anything. I’m not getting better. i am disintegrating and the constant self loathing for not working or being stronger is turning me into mental mush. My brain is turning the consitency of baby food squash. Overload doesn’t begin to cover it, yet i am surrounded by people doing ten times more who can’t miss a chance to remind me how subpar i am.
(Ignore the typos, my keyboard is sticking.)
To say I am terrified of what is to come would be an understatement. It’s not normal fear, it’s bordering on hysterical nervous breakdown fear.the other night i came close to contacting the emergency number for the shrink’s office and asking to be hospitalized. But I talked myself off the ledge because i’m pms-ing and have been in pain for days, not to mention alternating between tears and rage. We took in a cat these people abandoned for two weeks then they came back, after my kid bonded with him, and insisted we had stolen it and they wanted it given to another family in the trailer park. The next day thw cat was wandering around hungry so I let Spook bring him in and feed him then, because I was trying to do the right thing and also not start a trailer park war, I told her to return him to the ‘chosen’ family.
w went out for 40 minutes and when we returned, someone had placed mango’s dead body in our yard. Run him over and just tossed him in our yard. Spook was devastated and i sent her to let them know they needed to come get him and bury him but they wouldn’t answer the door even though they were right inside making noise, lights on. I was full on rage monstr by then so I wrapped the cat in a towel and put him on their doorstep and yelled BURY THE CAT YOU HAD TO TAKE AWAY, HE’D BE ALIVE IF YOU’D LEFT HIM WITH US!
It just got worse from there because our cat Shady came crawling out from under the trailer, hind legs crushed by a car. And I shattered. I could not stop crying, was like a faucet thanks to menstrual dysphyoria and hormones. I try to be strong for my child, but that night…I was shatteed. I just knew Shady wasn’t going to make it to the morning so I could take what little christmas money I have and get her checked out….I was so close to just checking into the hospital psych bin. Sooo goddamned close. I’d juust talked to R’s friend Mark that day and his daughter had a nervous breakdown and checked herself into a ‘behavior and mental health center’ so hey, we all break, no shame despite what idgets like my dad and R say….
But my kid needed me, Shady needed me, and i held it together evcen though I was raging that we don’t have emergent pet care in this armpit town. And when she did see the vet, they chastized me for not having a credit card or more cash so they could do more than one X-ray and I just took my cat home with me, crushed and furious. She is a fighter and she did get pain pills and bandaged and splinted and all…She’
s eating, drinking, trying to get around n little jaunts… Maybe I should have had her euthanized, Idk, but hey, they wouldn’t do that either cos I didn’t have more cash.
So now I am buried nder the crushing guilt that what litle xmas money I had for my kid was spent on the cat and I’m a monster for not just putting the cat down and…My kid continues to behave more violently, i denied her a happy meal the other day and she actually kicked my seat and hit me in the head while i was driving and screamed she hoped we wrecked and die if she couldn’t have a happy meal.
For having ‘little’ on my plate it sure feels like a lot and I’m not handling it well. I don’t have much hope it will improve any either as I see psych nurse at the end of the month and I am fairly sure the wellbutrin has conked out but she doesn’t like making changes to my regime. It could be months before I can get into Dr. B.
I hat the world. There’s so much beauty but it’s being mucked up by all the hideousness of politicians and mean people ad yes, I can still be that naive and have hope that maybe mean people will just die off or reform because damn it…that delusion helps me keep going.
My brain is baby food. Life has melted it down that much. Mush. But I am out of bed and functioning and I guess that’s gotta pass as quality life. Even if I just want to curl up and die most days. Not by my own hand but just out of sheer exhaustion in every way. I need a reboot, a recharge, a damned break from so many horrible things all thrown at me at once. I need a break from the damned self loathing, too. Trying your best should not result in feeling this down on myself.
Logic tells me in a week or so once the hormonal surge has died down, I might feel less doomed. But this day, hell, this whole week…I am fairly sure we are all doomed and I just want it to be over. If that’s weakness then I am guilty.