Monthly Archives: September 2017

Thank You, Xanax!

That makes me sound like a major druggie.  Well I had my big two-hour interview with four managers today, which actually was two hours and twenty minutes but who’s counting?  ME!  It was a fucking marathon!!!  I studied yesterday and all morning today and then right before leaving for the interview, which I was very nervous about, I took half of a 0.25 Xanax.  Man, did that do the trick!  I was able to calm down and answer their questions with a clear mind and I didn’t have any brain freeze!!!  Wow did it make a big difference!!!  I sound like a Xanax salesman don’t I.  Well after my nightmarish interview where I froze up several times, this was quite a change.  Things were very positive, I answered questions calmly and succinctly, and overall it was a very pleasant experience.  WHAT?!  Yes it’s true.  So THANK YOU, XANAX!!  I’m not going to take it for every damn occasion, but dayum!  In those extreme cases when my head is about to explode, it’s nice to know I have the option.

I am going to sleep well tonight, knowing I have done all I can to get this job, including writing thank you notes to the interviewers.  It’s all in the Universe’s hands now.  I feel good about things.  Sleep well, friends!  Peaches!


Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar and Stress, Bipolar and Work, Bipolar Disorder, Mental Illness, Psychology, Psychology Shmyshmology Tagged: Bipolar, Blogging, Hope, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

When Your Self Esteem Goes Ten Rounds With Tyson

Okay, so obviously, I don’t know Mike Tyson nor do I know much about the boxing world. From all accounts though, Tyson’s a hell of a boxer who punishes his opponents in the ring.

R has become my version of Tyson, only instead of fists in a boxing ring and a somewhat fair fight…He barrages me with his political certainties, dismissal of my ever having a salient opinion, and also, he uses on line videos to highlight his personal views of women in general, and especially, women who don’t work or use the court system to go after men for alimony or child support.

Last night I was treated to a ten plus minute youtube diatribe from some chick he finds smashing in her opinionated posts. This one, of course, was “I don’t need a man” and hell no, I am not providing a link to it because I’m not lifting a finger to give her more viewers. She wants to be all girl power and shit, but essentially she is saying the world is still run by men and they are hunting and gathering and chest thumping to protect us female snowflakes who are too weak and lazy to do it ourselves.

Given, when I am menstrual and in physical pain, not to mention the pummeling I got from my child calling me dumb and stupid for three straight hours (because of the ‘no’ word, of course), maybe this inane video just hit me harder than it normally would.

Or maybe as a woman on disability, who does get state aid, who did go to ask the court to butt in and get child support from the donor…Maybe this chick’s words felt not like slaps across the face, but having a box cutter swung aross my self esteem repeatedly. Thankfully I was a little numbed with Mangorita (the only thing positive R brings to the table anymore) so I didn’t go what he calls “feminaze”. I calmly allowed “She makes some salient points, but on the child support issue…I don’t care if it’s a mom or dad who walked out and won’t support their kid, the custodial parent should have every right to go to court and use legal means to pursue the deadbeat for support for the child.”

Which he made about himself, too, because he had full custody of his three kids and a 5 year battle in court with their mother and she didn’t start paying child support until after the final hearing. But he didn’t go whining to the state, he just made do because apparently, youtube chick is right, men are the hunter gatherers and we, the females, are simply the cooks and cleaners and occasional orifice for their baser needs.

It’s amazing I didn’t punch him. Really, it is. He sits there so proud of this youtube chick spouting off, shredding so called feminists, and essentially, shredding ME, and he denies the parallels. Because I was doing ok without child support for 5 years until he and my dad bullied me into using the state and the courts to pursue child support. So here I am being lambasted for doing what HE pummeled me to do for years.

I also tried to bow out gracefully from his shop deal. He’s taking in too many items, spending too little time working on it because the other place is working him over and sending him out of state again next week, and I am the one left to explain to people why it’s taking 4 months to get a damned repair done. The stress and anxiety this puts on me is immense, but trying to talk to him about it is pointless. He doesn’t hear, won’t hear. He says everyone’s stuff will get fixed, but he fails to grasp when it takes months for an item to be repaired and we can’t even blame the slow delivery from China when the parts have already been sitting here for weeks now…Everyone tells me to cut him slack, he’s exhausted, so I appealed to him on that angle. He got snappish and said he’s not exhausted, he just needs time and it will all get done.

Denial is bordering on delusional.

So I am telling him about my limitations and pointing out it wouldn’t do any harm to let the shop be closed a week or so, let him get caught up, let me catch my breath…And nope, he still wouldn’t give an inch.

So between the forced second hand video pummeling of the chick I shall now refer to as youtube Satan, and his utter dismissal of my cries for mercy…I went to bed feeling pretty damned beaten down, ignored, and hurt.

I wasn’t real stunned when this morning, I woke up in so much pain from cramps and backache, I got my kid off to the bus stop and went back to sleep. Fuck it. He won’t listen to me, all I can do is try to take breathers here and there to avoid the crash and burn. I wandered into the shop around 9:45 and I don’t feel the least bit crappy for it. When someone gives a cry for help and says they need a break…and you ignore them…you’re lucky to get anything out of them, considering that cruel treatment.

He can call me a snowflake all he wants. He can thump his chest about what a great worker he his doing two jobs and how he single handledly raised 3 kids by himself. He also had an ex who saw the kids one evening a week and every other weekend so he did occasionally get breaks. I don’t. He always had some sort of inheritance or savings to fall back on with his kids. I do not. He drinks himself into a stupor nightly for 30 years, so even if he depression or anger he wouldn’t feel it. All I’ve got are an endless string of meds that work, half work, or don’t work. I’m not a fucking snowflake.

And a call just came in for a guaranteed $250 from a warranty repair and because he is so busy, they’re going to take it elsewhere.

He’s right, I’m wrong. Period.

And let’s not forget this one dumbass who has called 45 times in two days. I’ve talked to him four times, R talked to him 3 times, and no matter what you tell him, he keeps calling back and he doesn’t hear you and repeats himself. If I hated ringing phones before, now I view them as ticking bombs out to cause my central nervous system to implode.

Maybe I should just send my kid to my mom’s for the weekend and have the psych nurse doc lady sign me into the mental ward for a couple of days.

Fuck, it’s sad when you have to think in such extremes all to avoid ruining a friendship. Seems to me were R truly my friend, he’d have some concern for my feelings. But then, me asking for a man to be concerned about my feelings makes me a snowflake.

There are days I wish North Korea would just nuke us already. (I hope that’s the menstrual dysphoria talking.)


A Little Discouraged

I’m feeling a little bit beaten down today.  I don’t feel like I’ve done very well managing things ever since my middle one went to college.  She was a big help to me in a lot of ways and her not being around has kind of affected how I’ve managed the house, meals, laundry, etc.  I’m trying to train my youngest to help take up the slack, but she just needs a while to get as good as her sister.  So I would appreciate your prayers in managing this time better and doing what all I need to do.

I go to lunch with Marlo today and I think that’s going to be fun. We’re meeting at Brent’s in Jackson and will have burgers and whatnot.  Then I need to let go of it being my birthday and stay home for a while if I want to lose any more weight :).

We have a conference tonight so we will see what all is going on with each other in the class.   I’m looking forward to discussing everyone’s stories and going over them.  I have one up to be worked over so we will see how that goes.

Hope all of you out in readerland are doing well.  Have a good day!

 


The Park As Good Medicine – Part 5

Not The Final Chapter? We said goodbye to our beloved Goofy Girly-Girl, Violet yesterday. She was at a point where the lump in her throat was cutting off her breathing and making her choke on food, water, air (I understand that one for different reasons). She was definitely in pain and had difficulty standing up, …

Hexed

Between yesterday and today, the anxiety has gone from a slow simmer to a roiling boil, and 99% without a trigger. I leave the 1% open ended cos hey, being a single mom is going to bring anxiety even for someone without the disorder.

Still, I can’t help but feel hexed here. The weather abruptly shifted again, turning from scorching to “damn it, why did I wear a tank top and not bring a hoodie, I am freezing!” overnight. With this comes the seasonal affective symptoms banging on the door. I want to hoard my acorns and go underground for six months. I know I can’t but I want to. It’s what the depression does, makes you want to function as minimally as possible.

What’s at maximum instead of minimum is the anxiety. Today, for no reason whatsoever, it is rampaging. I can’t even get caught up on the last 4 episodes of Supernatural because…Okay, this will sound super stupid, but it’s how I feel…I really can’t allow myself to watch my uber favorite shows when I am in a bad mental state lest those shows start representing my bad mental states. In other words, I don’t want what I enjoy being equated with the level of anxiety I currently feel, so I simply can’t watch the show. And it’s a damned shame, because I love Supernatural. And it’s not like I can’t watch other shows (well, I did quit Sons of Anarchy toward the end of season six because, wow, all that evil and killing and manipulation and lies, damn, my anxiety doesn’t need more anxiety), I just watched The Brave’s first episode and I quite enjoyed it. I watched Bull this morning, as well, and enjoyed it.

But Supernatural is…a long love affair I’ve had going on 12 years now and I simply cannot let my own mental damage also damage my feelings for the show. Illogical, irrational, whatever.

Welcome to the ruins left behind smoldering when your disorders continue to wreak havoc on every aspect of your life.


Dr. Drugs Comes Through With The Good Stuff!

Well I had started a post entitled “Just Blew Another Interview” but I had to discard it because the interview actually went better than expected – they called me for an in-person interview!  Wah!  I think I am not the greatest judge of how interviews go.  This is a job for a company that provides IT Security Services and I would be a Support Services Technician.  There are pluses and minuses to this idea.  The pluses are that it would be very structured, and I’d get four months of training, and constant further opportunities to learn.  The minuses are that I’d be on the phone all day providing support.  However for my first Security job I think it might be better than the other job that is at a higher level with wayyyyy more responsibility that I don’t think I’m either ready or qualified for.  So I’m going to study my ass off for tomorrow’s interview.

NOW for the title of my blog!  I have had many sleepless nights lately, well, correction, I fall asleep, but I wake up in the middle of the night, and my brain starts worrying, like about jobs, or money, and it’s like a runaway train, I can’t control it, it’s so bad, you know how everything is magnified in the middle of the night?  So then I can’t get back to sleep and my stress levels are through the ROOF!  So I told Dr. Drugs about this, and he says “We have to get you sleeping.  How about some Xanax?”  To which I replied in my head “Oh goodie!” but out loud I was like, “Oh?” and he went on about how Xanax isn’t like Clonazepam, it’s not sedating, but it just cuts off the anxiety like BAM!  So he prescribed me three Xanax a day PRN, and he said he wasn’t going to give me any refills, but I think Dr. Drugs is slipping a little, because he gave me three refills!!!  So I am on the Xanax train, people!!!  I got it filled last night, because I couldn’t take another night of being up for hours and hours, and guess what?  I didn’t even need it!!  The times I woke up, I was able to think happy sunbeam thoughts and get back to sleep.  So YEAH!!  I’m glad I have it for “just in case” though.

I feel stupid providing an update on the other job, but all I can say is they still say that ol’ start date is coming.  They just need a couple more signatures….blah blah blah.  All I can say is that their delays are affording me the chance to interview for this other job that might be better for me, so I’m not mad any more.  I guess I will end up where I’m supposed to be, in the grand scheme of things.  I am trying to trust that the Universe has a plan….

Hope you all are having a delicious week, please let me know how you are!  Peach out, BPOF


Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar and Stress, Bipolar and Work, Bipolar Disorder, Psychology, Psychology Shmyshmology Tagged: Bipolar, Blogging, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

I Got an Idea

I got an idea about how to get through this no-Cokes thing.  I’m going to go PRN on my sedative Klonopin.  I think that will help enormously.  If I start to spin out a bit, I can take it just when I need it.  So far it’s working–I’ve gotten up on time and done well without it.

I really embarrassed myself today in class.  I studied a day ahead and gave a quiz on something they had not read.   So they point this out finally after I finish it.  So I was completely unprepared for what they were supposed to have read  Good thing it was on the King James Bible which I was somewhat familiar with already :).

I’m going out to lunch with Kim today–we’re going to eat Mexican.  So we will see how that goes,  Hopefully the guys at the house will finish up today–we will see. Bob is opening the office this week while everyone else is out of town on the company trip so he’s going to be leaving early and being grumpy on short sleep.  But hopefully he  can stay well for a little while.

Hope everyone has a good rest of the week.


My Least Favorite Obsession: Am I Making My Mental Illness Up?

It’s not logical… but OCD isn’t logical, either.

A lynching of an eight year old boy in New Hampshire! WTF is going on over here?

I am literally going to be sick to my stomach!

What is going on here? Is this not 2017? How? How can this be happening??? Please can someone tell me?

This is what this election has done for us. Brought out the sickening racist element into the open. What next? I am deeply sickened, horrified and furious that this is the “philosophy” that is confined and encouraged by a president of the United States!

Where are we going? What is our future going to be?

Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting!

https://mobile.nytimes.com/blogs/kristof/2017/09/26/call-a-lynching-by-its-name/?smid=fb-nytimes&smtyp=cur&referer=http://m.facebook.com


Depression is a physical illness which could be treated with anti-inflammatory drugs, scientists suggest

Now this is huge! It’s also my pet theory that mental illness is caused by the immune system! Depression, a physical illness, caused by a faulty immune system, treatable by anti inflammatory drugs! Scientists think that an overactive immune system increasing inflammation could actually cause depression! There lots of evidence that increasing inflammation can bring on depressive symptoms and using anti inflammatory medication can reduce symptoms of depression. Depression is common in people who have Rheumatoid arthritis, which is an autoimmune disease.

“One promising treatment for depression on the horizon is the use of electrical stimulation to change the signals between the brain and the immune system.”

Please read on, this is incredible.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2017/09/08/depression-physical-illness-could-treated-anti-inflammatory/

Telegraph Science

Depression is a physical illness which could be treated with anti-inflammatory drugs, scientists suggest

A new study suggests depression is the immune system failing to switch off  CREDIT:  INCAMERASTOCK / ALAMY STOCK PHOTO

Sarah Knapton, science editor

8 SEPTEMBER 2017 • 10:00PM

Depression could be treated using anti-inflammatory drugs, scientists now believe, after determining that it is a physical illness caused by a faulty immune system.

Around one in 13 people in Britain suffers from anxiety or depression and last year the NHS issued 64.7 million prescriptions for antidepressants, double the amount given out a decade ago.

Current treatment is largely centred around restoring mood-boosting chemicals in the brain, such as serotonin, but experts now think an overactive immune system triggers inflammation throughout the entire body, sparking feelings of hopelessness, unhappiness and fatigue.

It may be a symptom of the immune system failing to switch off after a trauma or illness, and is a similar to the low mood people often experience when they are fighting a virus, like flu.

A raft of recent papers, and unexpected results from clinical trials, have shown that treating inflammation seems to alleviate depression.

Likewise when doctors give drugs to boost the immune system to fight illness it is often accompanied by depressive mood – in the same way as how many people feel down after a vaccination.

Professor Ed Bullmore, Head of the Department of Psychiatry at the University of Cambridge, believes a new field of ‘immuno-neurology’ is on the horizon.

“It’s pretty clear that inflammation can cause depression,” he told a briefing in London to coincide with this week’s Academy of Medical Sciences FORUM annual lecture which has brought together government the NHS and academics to discuss the issue.

“In relation to mood, beyond reasonable doubt, there is a very robust association between inflammation and depressive symptoms.  We give people a vaccination and they will become depressed. Vaccine clinics could always predict it, but they could never explain it.

“The question is does the inflammation drive the depression or vice versa or is it just a coincidence?

“In experimental medicine studies if you treat a healthy individual with an inflammatory drug, like interferon, a substantial percentage of those people will become depressed. So we think there is good enough evidence for a causal effect.”

Advice | Natural ways to reduce inflammation

Dr Kelly Brogan, author of A Mind of Your Own points to lifestyle changes with a natural anti-inflammatory effect that can help improve your mood:

Exercise — Depression can result from chronic ongoing stress and exercise acts like a biological insurance plan against the bodily effects of stress. 20 minutes, three times a week or more of anything that gets you sweaty is all that’s needed.

Diet — Eliminate processed foods, especially sugar and refined carbohydrates which may increase inflammation in the body. Eat plenty of natural foods including fruits and vegetables, pastured animal products and eggs and wild fish.

Meditate — Meditation stimulates the expression of genes that are powerfully anti-inflammatory. Just ten minutes a day of mindfulness, deep breathing or gratitude journaling can help mood.

Show more

Scientists at Cambridge and the Wellcome Trust are hoping to begin trials next year to test whether anti-inflammatory drugs could switch off depression.

“There is evidence to suggest it should work,” added Prof Bullmore.

The immune system triggers an inflammatory response when it feels it is under threat, sparking wide-ranging changes in the body such as increasing red blood cells, in anticipation that it may need to heal a wound soon.

Scientists believe that associated depression may have brought an evolutionary benefit to our ancestors. If an ill or wounded tribal member became depressed and withdrawn it would prevent a disease being passed on.

However a link has taken so long to establish because until recently scientists believed the brain was entirely cut off from the immune system, trapped behind a ‘Berlin Wall’ known as the blood brain barrier.

But recent studies have shown that nerve cells in the brain are linked to immune function and one can have an impact on the other. Around 60 per cent of people referred to cardiologists with chest pain do not have a heart problem but are suffering from anxiety.

Figures also show that around 30 per cent of people suffering from inflammatory diseases such as rheumatoid arthritis are depressed – more than four times higher than the normal population.

Likewise people who are depressed after a heart attack are much more likely to suffer a second one, while the lifespan for people with cancer is hugely reduced for people with mental illness.

“You can’t separate the mind from the body,” said Prof Sir Robert Lechler, President of the Academy of Medical Sciences.

“The immune system does produce behaviour. You’re not just a little bit miserable if you’ve got a long term condition, there is a real mechanistic connection between the mind, the nervous system and the immune system.

“Our model of healthcare is outdated. We have a separation. Mental healthcare is delivered by mental health professionals, psychiatrists, mental health nurses and so on, often in separate premises from where physical health care is delivered and that is simply wrong and we need to find ways to ever more closely integrate and train amphibious healthcare professionals who can straddle this divide.”

Research has also shown that people who have suffered severe emotional trauma in their past have inflammatory markers in their body, suggesting their immune system is constantly firing, as if always on guard against abuse.

Dr Alan Carson, Reader in Neuropsychiatry, at the University of Edinburgh, said: “All psychiatric and neurological disorders are based in brain and brain is not static but structurally and functionally responsive to a range of biological, psychological and social issues.

“Yet institutionally we use an outmoded code which separates brain disorders into psychiatric ‘f’ codes and neurological ‘g’ codes which holds back both scientific and clinical progress.”

Stephen Buckley, Head of Information at mental health charity Mind, said more research was vital to pick apart the various causes of depression and find new treatments.

“We must acknowledge a wide range of potential causes and treatments,”  he said. “For many people, long term physical illness can cause mental health problems, such as depression. This could be because of the impact of living with the illness, the pain and discomfort or side effects of medication, among many other reasons.

“We also need to look at people’s broader experiences, their lives and other challenges they face – such as a lack of access to services, experience of abuse or trauma, poor housing and exclusion, to ensure everyone with a mental health problem gets the support they need.”

One promising treatment for depression on the horizon is the use of electrical stimulation to change the signals between the brain and the immune system.

Prof Kevin Tracey, President and CEO, of the US Feinstein Institute for Medical Research, discovered that the brain controls production of a deadly inflammatory chemical called TNF, which if released in high doses can be fatal, causing people to, literally, die of shock.

He has recently developed a electrical device which reproduces the connection and switches off the chemical. Three quarters of patients with rheumatoid arthritis recovered following trials.

“This is the tip of the iceberg of a new field called bio-electric medicine,” he said.

“This is a new way of thinking about medicine. We’re using electrons to replace drugs. This will not replace all drugs. But there will be many drugs that are either too expensive, too toxic which may be replaced by these devices.”