Daily Archives: September 19, 2017

SPLAT-terbrained

I was sailing along in neutral space (aside from the looming Reaper of Anxiety that borders on panic)…And from out of nowhere I went SPLAT. Total despair, depression, feeling hopeless. Nothing precipitated it. There was no trigger.

It’s the cycle.

Bipolar two is a special kind of evil. Insidious. Cruel. Unrelenting.

My anxiety increases with the sudden change in mental state (this is far more than a ‘low mood’, scumbag brain is sending out some pretty negative messages and I feel too weak to tune them out). A sense of foreboding lurks. Every sound seems amplified. Every tiny thing feels insurmountable.

And then I think of R working 2 jobs, and my dad rattling on about how he worked 80 hours last week and he’s 70 years old…

I feel like such a wimp. So pathetic. I know it’s the depression and anxiety filling my head with wrong messages. Maybe things are pretty rough right now, but things that didn’t register on my radar last week are suddenly running forefront this week as viable threats, potential threats, imminate threats…

I doubt the pms dysphoria is helping the situation.

You’d think as often as Splat happens, I’d be innoculated to how abruptly it comes on. Yet still, I am floored by how fast this hit me, from out of nowhere. I feel terrified and I am not sure of what. Maybe it was my kid asking if we were going to be homeless without child support. Maybe it’s because public aid still hasn’t called back about why my benefits didn’t increase when my income dropped nearly three hundred bucks due to missing child support. Perhaps it was even worsened when my sister texted me about their own dire situation, 2 weeks of nothing to eat but ramen. Dad and stepmonster refused to help them. I get when things are tough you take care of your own, and it’s asinine when my sister asks them to buy pricey cat supplies or household items. But for a father to not even offer up a package of meat to help feed his daughter and grandson…

I tossed them a four pound back of hamburger. I didn’t have it to spare, really, but family helps family. I will not become my father, stockpiling for my own sake, while my mom and sis and nephew go hungry. No matter how wigged out my brain is, I have kindness in my heart. I like to think (even naively) that karma comes around and one day when I or Spook need a hand, my sis and them will be willing to return the favor if they can. No way could I not do something, minor as it was. Not who I am.

Right now, who I am, is a woman feeling like emotional doomsday has arrived and every nerve ending is in flames and the Grim Reaper is at my door…It’s the disorders, but at the moment..

The disorders are kind of in control. It’s terrifying and yet it’s my reality. Lather, rinse, repeat.

“You’re fine.” says R.

“How are mood swings a disability?” said someone on a tv show.

“Deadbeats on food stamps and disability are taking all my money in taxes.” This, from my wonderful father.

I WANT to be fine.

But no amount of their guilt, denial, put downs- is going to change the fact that my brain is off kilter and it is disabling.

It’s scary times for those of us who have disabling disorders and need our disability income, our Medicare, our Medicaid, our prescription plans…Scary, hell, it’s horrifying. Maybe some of my anxiety and panic is warranted.

Does not explain how I went from feeling semi decent to suddenly feeling hopeless so abruptly. That’s all bipolar. The gift that keeps on taking. Like a vulture feasting on roadkill, this disorder is going to pick my bones clean one day.


Disturbing Behavior

Day 2 in the dish. My mood isn’t great or bad. My anxiety, however, has me feeling like my bones are trying to claw their way out from under my skin. This is unsettling, to say the least and it is what hinders my life in such a significant way. Depressions I know will eventually lift or have some mixed episodes. The anxiety is constant. Like this dark shadow that follows me everywhere, screwing up the good things in life as well as magnifying the bad. Until you’ve lived with that level of perpetual anxiety, it is so easy to roll your eyes and mutter ‘suck it up’. For whatever reason, my brain receptors perceive everything as a threat thus setting off fight or flight impulses. Simply getting the mail becomes a traumatic event because god knows bad news is gonna hit me in the face.

I guess I should be grateful for what I do have, which is the ability to crawl out of bed, eventually. Next week is gonna be more brutal as Spook starts riding the bus and has to be there at the stop by 7:20. No more neverending snooze button for mom. And I have a love affair with the snooze button cos I’m not really a morning person. Then again, by the time life chews me up and spits me out, I’m too shredded to be a night person like I once was. Defiant children drain a person like nothing else can.

So…I am still binge watching Sons Of Anarchy and this current episode I am watching featured a dog fighting ring. I was more affected by the (fictional) sight of dogs being fought til they were bloody and beaten then shot and stacked in trash cans. My disgust with people who do this and find it entertaining was so immense I want to deny that I am part of this vile, violent, twisted human race.

At the same time, I can watch hours of violent movies and TV shows and barely blink at all the blood and gore and murder. Unless I really really like a character, I’m just…meh.

So which is the more disturbing behavior? Me being desensitized to TV violence or the fact that dog fighting rings aren’t vampires and ghosts, ffs, they are real and people get off on that.

I am not now, nor will I ever be, desensitized to violence against animals. I’m not even a dog person (all that barking, ffs, anxiety disorders don’t like noise) but hurting animals, especially for sport and greed, disgusts me on a level I can’t even put into words. Maybe I am desensitized to TV violence involving people because people have hurt me my whole life. Animals never did a thing to me aside from defend themselves when they felt threatened. (I held no grudges when my sister’s Rottweiler came at me while I was holding my (departed) sname Ophelia and she bit me- survival, man, I get it.)

I guess on some level my views are disturbing behavior. Human life above all else is drummed into us from an early age. Then life gets a hold of you and damages you by the actions of cruel people and some good people who do shitty things that kind of leave a mark on your soul forever in a bad way…That’s when you start to devalue human life and cling to what has done you no harm. In my case, it is animals.

I would rather die from a tiger mauling my throat out than letting a person stab or shoot or beat me. Animals are acting on instinct to protect themselves and survive. People are just corrupt wretched husks of excrement.

Until on rare occasion one surprises me and for those surprises, I am very grateful. Makes me not hang my head so low in shame at being part of this violent breed called human.


Our trip back

So! Our trip back… after our perfect Nantucket vacation! Well the trip back was far from ideal. Sorry, I have to get this off my chest… We got to the airport at 11 am for our flight leaving at 12:43 pm. The first thing we saw was a line literally a mile long to check in. Never had seen that before. Ok, we stood in line, checked in, had to check in my two carry ons as they were both over 30 lbs and we were flying a puddle jumper with 10 seats on Cape Air. Ok, no problem, I checked them in. Went through security, got to the waiting area and realized all the flights were getting cancelled. People from the 9 am flights were still waiting to leave. Our flight got delayed, ok, its just late. Then our flight disappeared from the monitor. What’s going on? No one is telling us anything. In the meantime, THREE Jetblue jets have taken off, the Cape Air people are telling us there’s fog in Boston and they can’t fly. We have to get from ACK to BOS to CLT to SDF. And we are not even close to leaving ACK. So now it’s been 3-4 hours just sitting in the boarding waiting room, three little puddle jumpers leave. No room on any of them for us. So we wait some more. Finally it looks like it’s our turn, they give us boarding cards, line us up to board… and at the last minute they say “No, no there’s fog, we have to wait till 6 pm to leave. Please sit down again!” And all 9 of us are flabbergasted, “What?!” we say in indignant voices. “No, sorry folks, nothing we can do!” Then, believe it or not, they board another 9 people on another puddle jumper and that one takes off. Now I’m getting in their faces and asking what the hell was that. Well that plane got an earlier slot and could take off and we got a 6 pm slot. Ok so we wait for another two hours, board the plane and take off for Boston. Halfway through, yes, halfway through, the pilot says he can’t land in Boston and has to land in Hyannis. So we do. Then we get taxis to drive us to Boston. I try to get my luggage in Boston but no one has any idea where it is. We call the Hilton at Boston airport, they have five, yes five rooms left. So we book one immediately! We get to bed at about 11 pm. Get up at 7 am for a 9:30am flight on American Airlines. Which we did and went to Charlotte, had a nice lunch and finally boarded a flight to Louisville. Got in at 2:30 pm. Only 19 hours late. Went to the AA luggage office, asked if they knew where my suitcases were. Nothing in the computer after Nantucket. And she suggested that I wait for the luggage that comes out, mine might be there. So, went to the carousel, hoping, hoping, hoping, my luggage would be there. It wasn’t. Went back, filled out a lost luggage report. Got 1 800 numbers for AA lost luggage. Went home. Called lost luggage number, most of the information on the report was wrong. Corrected it all. Hoped I’d see all my favorite dresses, shoes, etc. again. Was expecting to wait a few days but happily got an email an hour ago that my luggage is on its way to be delivered to my home! And just a few minutes ago, I got my luggage. Yaaay! Very happy I got all my things. Sorry, I’m attached to all my favorite people, pets, clothes, shoes, and jewelry.

Well, after the beautiful Nantucket vacation we had, this wasn’t the nicest way to get home. But we are home, the babies and the kitties are fine. And I even got all my stuff. Can’t ask for much else. Sorry, had to get all this craziness off my chest. At one point it felt like we were not getting home. Stranded on Nantucket… hahaha… Well from now on, no more Cape Air and their puddle jumpers. From now on we’re flying Jetblue. As god is my witness!

Some Nantucket pictures.


Tired

But not as tired as yesterday.  Bob is still home from work and trying to get better.  I am wading my way through school work.  I have one more discussion thread to comment on and I am through for the week.  We have had significantly more discussions in this class than I’m used to so that has been hard to adjust to.  I also had to turn in my craft paper  to my instructor  and my creative piece to everyone in the class so it has been a heavy week.  My creative piece gets workshopped next week in the conference.  SO we will see how it turns out.

I go see Tillie for my appointment and hopefully will feel better after that. I haven’t felt just awful but I am a little stressed about everything going on.

My blogs have gotten significantly more traffic these past couple of days so I want to welcome everyone that has been reading lately and encourage you to check out the archives for the beginning of my story as well.   Thanks for visiting!