After Saturday’s complete shut down…I bounced back for Sunday and Monday, getting shit done around the house and running errands. Brain reboot, basically, is what Saturday amounted to. Not sure what that says about me, putting me in the ranks of Windows products, but I despise Apple, too so..whatevs.
Yesterday and today I am…hypo-functional. I think it’s driven by hypo-mania and it’s a slow type of functional. Bit by bit. Start, stop. Racing thoughts. No depression or Bad Thoughts. Just a lot of anxiety, panic, and paranoia. I am so high strung every time there’s a knock on the door, I fear it’s that dude that showed interest in me and really…Much as I want to ‘be normal’ I am just not in a healthy mental space to deal with more stimuli. I should have just said I was seeing someone when he asked. Trying to explain, “It’s not you, it’s just that basic human functioning makes me have violent panic attacks and I am not up for that” is worse than lying. What was I thinking?
I was thinking, donor’s been gone six years and I’ve attempted the dating thing maybe twice. I don’t want people thinking I am hung up on that idget when I really just wish the Bermuda Triangle would swallow him alive. It’s not about him. And come down to it, I’m not sure I even care if people think it is about him. I think I am just trying to batter ram my way into this normalcy the doctors and counselors have force fed me for 20 plus years. Just open yourself to possibilities, put forth the effort, give it a try, blah blah fucking blah.
One would think after six years, I’d be all lonely and desperate for companionship.
I’m just not.I am already overwhelmed just being a single parent with mental health issues. Throwing the whole ‘dating’ thing in the mix is not going to make me less anxiety ridden. It will just add to the stress because I suck at even the most shallow relationships, let alone a guy who uses the word ‘date’. I’m old, but even I know the current mentality is vapid sexual hook ups (also not really on my agenda, thank you meds for killing even that part of me) but…dating? The horror.
I feel like a freak. I just have to be honest with myself. I can’t live in terror at every knock of the door. Maybe I just am a freak. Odd thing is, if I were physically ill and overwhelmed, no one would think twice about me wanting to focus on one thing at a time. But mental problems…Get over it, snap out of it, move on, take a chance…Such utter bullshit.
I am just trying to hang on here and if even the professionals can’t understand that…Fuck ’em.
Not worth ending up hospitalized just in an attempt to ‘be normal’.
I’m being a mom, packing a lunch for my kid, taking her to dr appointments, talking to her teacher, making sure she is fed and clean and clothed…I am taking care of my cats, keeping my dishes done, laundry clean.
That’s downright fucking boring normal.
Dating…can wait. Maybe until they raise my Xanax to 5 mg a day. I just can’t overload the circuits more than they already are. Not even ‘for my own good’.
The bipolar mood swings, the deep depressions, the brief periods of stability…that’s hellish.
But the true crippling disability is the anxiety and panic. When you can’t even entertain the notion of hanging out with someone less it make you freak out…That’s beyond a disability. That’s life hindering. And it’s my life being hindered so it really sucks.
So if anyone else feels that way about anxiety disorder…You’re in good nervous company.