Daily Archives: September 12, 2017

Leftovers

We’re getting the leftovers from Hurricane Irma here in central Mississippi–rain and it’s chilly from the wind,  But it’s not too bad here, just raining.

I’ve gone off of caffeine and can certainly tell it–I’m so sleepy and tired.  I’m trying to stay awake but it is incredibly hard.  I’ve worked some in the paper that’s due next week and we will see how that goes.   I feel like I’m slogging through molasses in my mind, though.  Hopefully I will get over the withdrawal stage soon and start losing a little weight; leaving off the Cokes should save me 420 calories a day.

Days like today I hate living with bipolar.  If I didn’t have to take the meds to stave off mania, I wouldn’t be so dependent on Cokes, I could just enjoy them,  If it weren’t for staving off the weight loss that often comes from depression, I maybe wouldn’t be so heavy.

 


Reblog – Dear Blahpolar…In Memory Of

Originally posted on Take a Ride on My Mood Swing:
I could prattle on about my baggage but…That’s for another day. This post is not about me, even if it does revolve around the bipolar/depression theme. Around a year ago, our wordpress tribe lost the person who was essentially, our ‘leader’. And not in an…

A Firm Start Date!

I FINALLY got a firm start date for my job!  Yes!  It’s real!  I am starting on Monday, September 18.  Back to full-time work.  Lawd, help me!  So I have a little less than a week to write.  There’s nothing on my damn schedule (except maybe a nail appointment) so I think I’m meant to write.  It’ll be a good way to ignore this nervous stomach of mine.  Holy God, how am I going to work full-time???  I guess time will tell.  Ta-ta for now!


Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar and Work, Bipolar Disorder, Mental Illness, Psychology, Psychology Shmyshmology Tagged: Bipolar, Blogging, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

Dear Blahpolar…In Memory Of

I could prattle on about my baggage but…That’s for another day.

This post is not about me, even if it does revolve around the bipolar/depression theme.

Around a year ago, our wordpress tribe lost the person who was essentially, our ‘leader’. And not in an alien “Take me to your leader” way. She really was the heart and soul that brought us all together.

Ulla, AKA Blahpolar bravely and relentlessly fought the battle against bipolar and depression but alas, even after subjecting herself to shock treatments…she took her own life to escape the torment.

Most of us in this wordpress mental health tribe were devastated by the loss. Blah was smart and funny and kind and compassionate and she had so much good going on, it should have been enough to drown out the misery brought by bipolar depression.

We are only human and she hit her wall. There is no judgment here. Only empathy, compassion, empathy and grief for the loss of our friend.

Blah, aka Ulla… We hope you are in a better place, with your mom, minus the turmoil and suffering brought on my a misfiring brain and emotional scars. We hope you found true peace. We miss you more than words can say.

Yesterday was suicide prevention day. I failed to post on that subject.

Today I am speaking up, speaking out. If anyone reads this and feels they might be hitting their wall…I may be a virtual stranger but if you need someone to talk to via text, someone to talk you off the ledge or just listen or remind you that YOU MATTER…

Shoot me a text at 217-320-3369. Day or not. I will reply when I can whether I know you or not. I have lost too many friends to suicide caused by the never ending battle with mental health issues. Maybe talking is not a cure all but on occasion…Just one other person saying you matter and reminding you that you have value…is enough to ward off the Bad Thoughts.

This post is in loving memory of our treasured Blah, taken from us way too soon. I offer my number to any who might need it, whether I know you or not. I’ve been there, on that ledge, thinking I am useless, hopeless, worthless. Depression lies. Don’t buy the lies. Reach out for the truth.

We love you Ulla/Blahpolar. You left a legacy for us and you will remain in our hearts forever. ❤


There’s a Surprise Piano in My Living Room

No joke.

That’s not some click-bait title where I want you to THINK there’s an unexpected piano in my living room, but then you click the link and realize I really meant this as a deeper metaphor for life or something. Oh no, my friends. Nay. There is a literal, honest-to-goodness, full-sized piano in my living room, and I had no idea it was going to be here.

This is one of those moments where I stand back and think, “Damn my life is weird sometimes.”

Here’s how this went down:

I mentioned to my husband a few months ago that I’d like to start taking piano lessons. Why did I say that? I don’t know! It’s just something I said! I haven’t taken piano lessons since I was nine years old, but I have a bunch of students who can totally jam on my classroom piano. I don’t know…it sounded fun, okay?

So two nights ago, I got home from my relaxing bike ride, and guess what was in my driveway? JUST GUESS.

If you guessed a piano, you’re half right. The other half is that my parents-in-law, brother-in-law, and his awful girlfriend were also in my driveway. And my mother-in-law was taking video of me because isn’t it the best surprise ever that I am now the proud owner of a piano?

I just about died. Or killed my husband. I couldn’t pick which. Instead, I smiled for the camera and tried to act excited about the piano in my driveway.

Here’s the thing: he was honestly trying to be nice. Early in the summer, we had talked about me using my classroom piano to practice if I took piano lessons (which was HIGHLY theoretical, let me remind you). But apparently he decided, “You know what’s more fun than practicing in your classroom? Practicing in your living room.” So he went out and GOT ME A PIANO.

Which is sweet and romantic in one sense, but a total disaster in another.

See, the thing is, we have no room in our house for a piano. Our place is tiny. My in-laws hauled the monstrosity into our house, and literally the only place it can go is in the living room. Our dining room only has enough room for the table, the kitchen is where I cook, and the living room is the only other room on our ground floor. We’re not one of those fancy-schmancy families that has a living room, a family room, a den, and a playroom. Oh no – this is it. One room.

Within that one room, the piano had to be on the only interior wall. It can’t go on an exterior wall because it will spontaneously combust or something. I don’t know. The whole family was like, “IT HAS TO BE ON AN INTERIOR WALL!” At this point I was mostly in a daze, so I think I said something really intelligent like, “Ummmmmm…okay.”

So they rearranged the furniture for me in the living room, and now the furniture is all higgeldy-piggeldy in random places in the middle of the room. Don’t forget that I already have the ugly chair from this post, and our couches are green, and the decor is black and gold…it honestly looks like a broke and blind college student decorated the place. We’re the “before” picture on one of those home makeover shows.

After his family finally left, I said I had to go work on my novel. Then I went to my local coffee shop, sat at the cafe bar, and made new friends by saying, “You GUYS. My husband just brought home a PIANO. What am I going to do?! He’s the best guy ever, and he was trying to be so nice, but I don’t want a piano!”

I tried to use that night to calm down, but in the morning my living room still looked ridiculous. Then my husband and I got in a fight, which is rare for us. But come on… A PIANO?! First the ugly chair, and now this? And he had his whole family over while the house was a total mess, which I’ve told him a million times makes me feel like scum. His brother already thinks I’m the worst wife ever because I’m so bad at “keeping house.” And his parents…

Okay, you know what? Enough about my in-laws. You get the point. I was embarrassed they were here when the house was a mess, I was embarrassed that I had to pretend to like the piano, and – if you’ve been following along closely – I DON’T WANT A PIANO IN MY LIVING ROOM.

The fight ended with Andy agreeing to get the piano out of the house. His parents agreed to take it (on an INTERIOR WALL I’m sure). I was still mad, but also I felt ridiculously guilty for not liking his surprise. I know he was coming at this from the purest motives, but the whole thing was so upsetting at a time when, for unrelated reasons, I am already so freaking stressed it’s ridiculous.

Sunday night at church I stole a hymnal (yes, I realize the irony in that). I’m going to give it back eventually. Calm down. Anyway, I figured that as long as I had this beautiful, flawless piano in my house, I might as well plunk around with it and see if I remember anything about how to play.

That was a mistake.

Here’s the problem: I really liked playing it. The wood is so gorgeous, the keys are shiny, and playing old hymns was so calming and fun. Andy sat next to me in the ugly chair and worked on things while I played, and he would request songs for me to try next. I remembered more about playing than I thought I would.

This morning I said, “Hey, before your parents take the piano…can I have another day or two to play on it?” He (understandably) looked at me like I was completely insane. That’s not an inaccurate assessment, really. Sure, I had just spent all of Sunday talking about how the piano needs to be out of this house immediately, and he called his parents and said that he needed to get it out ASAP. His literal word was “urgent.” He told his parents that it was “urgent” to get it out of here.

But today I went to school and printed out some sheet music…and I may or may not have contacted the lady who will hopefully be giving me piano lessons…and oh my gosh WHAT IF I KEEP THE PIANO?

I came home and played on it some more, and I enjoyed it more than I’d care to admit. I told my husband, “I really wish I could keep it…but our living room is in such an embarrassing state that I feel like I have to choose between the piano and ever having company over ever again.”

I mean, I can’t keep this piano. I CANNOT. My living room is a complete mess, and there is literally no other way to cram the furniture into this tiny room. Believe me, I’ve tried.

But the piano is so pretty.

I can’t keep the piano when I threw a veritable tantrum about how it needed to be gone and how I was so mad at him for buying and transporting a piano without talking to me first. Is it possible to humble myself and say, “I was being crazy. The piano is beautiful, and now I want it?” Would he even accept that? At this point, I don’t deserve the piano.

Which I’m not even sure I want.

BLOG PEOPLE: What do I do?! Do I keep the piano and let my living room look like a garage sale exploded? Or do I ditch the piano and have a quasi-normal living room but no fun or relaxation of playing my favorite hymns?

HELP!

IMG_20170911_213535602