In keeping with my Eminem theme from earlier…Only it’s not “My dad’s gone crazy”…I think it is ME who has gone crazy.
It started early afternoon, the looming anxiety, panic, the paranoia…Bad juju, I call it, when I have all these foreboding emotions I can’t explain with hard facts or situations that explain why I feel that way.
Over the last few hours, the panxiety (paranoia/anxiety hybrid, MY term, and YES, it is a thing) has become stifling. We were at the store and some chick was wandering around with her phone held out. For all I know she was trying for a better signal, trying for a pic of something that has nothing to do with me…But scumbag brain’s go to is instant paranoia and freak out anxiety. OMG THE DONOR HAS SOMEONE TRACKING ME, SEEING HOW I SPEND MONEY! And then I talk myself off that ludicrous ledge and…
Scumbag brain offers up an Encore (I can’t stop with the Eminem references!) and says, no, it’s the government tracking you. Because you applied for a replacement social security card on line and you still haven’t heard if you’ve been ‘approved’ and they said they’d check your credit report and they probably see all your debts and they’re reading your blog and having people follow you with a cell phone camera, OMG THEY ARE WATCHING YOU IN AN EFFORT TO PROVE YOU’RE NOT DISABLED.
But then I get to thinking about the world we live in these days. Used to, you filled out paperwork, if you forgot to cross a T or dot an I, they cut you some slack. Now in the digital age, some missed typo could land you in some sort of ‘you committed fraud’ situation. I checked and rechecked before I clicked the electronic signature but now that I haven’t heard yay or nay on simply getting a replacement card (I’m me, I was born here, you have my driver’s license number,ffs with my picture!)…panxiety is rioting. I am itching, my stomach is back in knots which had subsided once I escaped the dish and returned to my sanctuary…
The Donor used to say the only people who feared loss of privacy or doing legal paperwork was someone who had something to hide. I still say bullshit. Because I know how things get lost in the mail or misconstrued (kinda like those outstanding bills I ended up paying but was penalized for being late cos hey, I never got anything in the mail and I ALWAYS did the change of address thing, always, but it was still on me.)
Talking myself off that ledge…leads to another ledge that says OMG YOU HAVE DRAWN ATTENTION TO YOURSELF BY ASKING FOR A REPLACEMENT CARD, NOW THEY WILL WANT TO REVIEW YOUR DISABILITY CLAIM AND DECIDE YOU’RE JUST NOT SICK ENOUGH…
It’s really not far fetched. And my bad juju is often as right as it is wrong. Under the current regime of government, anything short of missing 4 limbs is likely not considered a disability and oh,well, if you are disabled, you don’t contribute so bring out the poor disabled person concentration camps.
I’ve gone stark raving mad, right?
I hope I have. It’d be better than being right about some of this stuff coming to fruition.
Personally, I think someone who abruptly starts thinking random people with camera phones and random requests for needed documents are out to get them…is probably a bit on the loopy not reliable side. I’m not bats-in-belfry just yet but I am getting there. Which technically means I am sicker now than when my disability was originally granted.
Now back to my irregularly schedules itching and hives while I await scumbag brain’s next attempt to drive me over the edge.