I’ve been thinking a lot about kids the last few months. Our oldest is now officially in college and I miss him something fierce. And he doesn’t seem to understand that even a little. I know, I know, it’s his age. Blah, blah, blah. I spent 18 years being his Mom and if him treating me like I mean something to him and that he wants me in his life is wrong. Well then, in wrong and I will stay wrong. And just getting over it isn’t really something I’m interested in doing.
People often agree with me in theory but have a hard time understanding that I really try to practice what I preach. And I appreciate when others treat me that way. I keep getting talked to and having discussions where people act like I’m not who I say I am. Or that I don’t try to live by and stand by the things I say and do. Am I wrong sometimes? Sure, probably pretty regularly. But that doesn’t mean I deserve to be treated like crap.
I have found myself looking at the meme’s and reading articles about single mothers and wondering what all the hype is and why they get so much credit. Now before you freak I was a single Mom for almost 4 years. But I had a LOT of help. In reality I still do from my family and from people who care about my kids. But there are very few single mothers who don’t have the same. Actually in many ways they get MORE help than I got with my three kids when I was married and my husband was working. I had him and he was tired(rightfully so). He did his best to help in the evenings when he was home but I still spent at least 8 hours a day alone with kids. Where’s my meme or my cheering section. I get this isn’t something most people will say or even talk about for that matter. But I get tired of hearing it. In many ways what I do is so much hard than being single. My husband and I have to figure out how to be on the same page about discipline, and what our kids participate in. Not to mention the part where I am HIS wife and have things that I have to think about regarding him. I mean really being single would allow me to make decisions based on me and no one else. So ya I’m a little frustrated and irritated.
I am not nor have I ever claimed to be perfect but if all I have to look forward to is my other 2 kids moving out and not speaking to me. Well, I’m just not interested in that. Maybe I should give up now. Cause why would I want to do that? I don’t ever remember one single person telling me how hard this was going to be. Or how it will be just as hard with my other two. And they will go on living their lives seemingly without even a thought to how I might feel or that I miss them. And I’m just supposed to shove all that and pretend it’s ok because I am still their parent? That doesn’t make sense to me. If it doesn’t matter what I do my kids kids are going to be mad about it and carry it into their adult lives then why do I try so hard?? Right or wrong doesn’t seem to matter or play a part. Much less the fact that I have more experience than them and they still manage to treat me like I don’t know anything.
On another topic. I got a new job. It’s a brand new restaurant that opened yesterday. Their computers went down and messed up and they pulled us out of our positions and had the training team step in. I get, I do. I’ve worked in good a long time I know how it works. But I feel like I was set up to fail from the beginning and then spent about 15 minutes crying. Ugh!! You know how you never want people to see you at your worst or (gasp) crying. Well I’ve just decided I will never be in a position again where I can hold it together. Where I don’t have to tell people that I have an illness. Which just makes me wish 1) I didn’t have an illness, and 2) that I never found out I have an illness.
Now to be clear. I know I have an illness and I am completely med compliant because well, God made smart people who figured out how to make these amazing meds and if I didn’t take them I feel like I would be spitting in Gods face. And I make enough mistakes I don’t need to add that one. Plus, for the most part I really like who I am medicated. Even 3 years later I have these moments where I can see things with such clarity and I am blown away by them. And I mean that. I have moments where it’s like the world stops spinning and I have such clarity of thought. Something that I didn’t even know was possible pre medication. But it still gets tiring.
It is physically and mentally painful for me on days like yesterday. All these people are looking at me and trying to make sure I’m ok and they have no clue. Thankfully no one has followed up and I hope that no one says anything. Because I don’t want to tell them and I’m afraid that I will have to. But people really do start looking at you differently. Or they act like the things you say have less meaning even though you KNOW how to do your job and you’ve done it long enough you have a TON of tricks and secrets. But they don’t want to listen. Maybe that’s just because they have to learn for themselves but it sure doesn’t feel that way to me.
So I pray they don’t ask, I pray that if they ask I won’t decide to tell them because it really is so hard to do. Oh oh!! Also, I have already had 2 of my co-workers tell me they are bipolar. One isn’t on medication at all and the other one only takes an anti depressant. Who I am to say?? No one. But to be honest they aren’t the first ones to say that. And they aren’t the first ones to say it and not be on medication like I am. And I consider myself lucky because I only take 4 meds. My point is. I will likely feel very lonely for the rest of my life. Even when people say they understand most of them don’t. They can walk around not medicated and still take care of their lives and family. I don’t think they truly understand. The more I look back the more I realize that this illness has been causing problems in my life at least since I was 12 or 13. That’s a lot of years of things might have been different if. Not to mention that it’s so hard to process when you know you did something wrong and I did some of those things. But there are other things that I know I likely would not have done had I known about my illness. I don’t blame anyone or anything. It’s just hard to think about. And it’s a little bit hard to watch my kids thrive and do so well and be such good kids at the exact same age I was when things started going off the rails. I live with these things because I really have no choice and I’m sure people really don’t care. Especially my kids. They haven’t seen all the things that have happened over the last 15 years. They have no idea what I have done and been a part of with my step kids. I never would have thought I would have to fight to see and be around my own kids. I’m having a really tough time with this and it makes me so sad!
So I guess that’s probably enough. I should really update more!! Will try to do better!!