Daily Archives: August 14, 2017

ALL Lives Matter

For months I have watched headlines scream “black lives matter” now “white lives matter” (after the tragic and vile neo nazi incident) and even ‘clown lives matter”.

Guess what, world?

ALL LIVES MATTER!

Black, white, gay, straight, mime, clown, adult, child, senior citizen, cat, dog, fish chum…ALL LIVING CREATURES MATTER!

The current “Make America Hate Again” culture not even truly protested by our country’s “leader” is reprehensible and shameful and those who abide by it are more vile. Yeah, we are entitled, as Americans, to our opinions and free speech.

The line is crossed when people start getting injured or killed.

I am sure this post will be met with frowns, unfollows, dislikes, whatever. But it is how I feel, bipolar or not.

Telling me not to disapprove of hate is despicable. I’m no fan of clowns but hey, whatever.

LIVE AND LET LIVE.

If this offends you…your soul needs a toe tag as you don’t have one.

It’s okay to have your own opinion and beliefs. It’s cool if you don’t agree with gays/whites/blacks/illegals./cat lovers/Perry Como fans…That is YOUR right afforded by being in the United States.

When your OPINIONS start causing injury, hatred, and controversy not even TRULY dispelled by the president…(Yeah, yeah, soundbites don’t count, anyone not in a coma knows the current regime hates everyone who isn’t rich, white, elitist, etc)…

Your conscience, should you have one, should weigh heavily on you. For most of the hate spewers believe in God and religion and Hell and ya know what?

There is no Heaven I want to enter into if it encourages hatred and violence and discimination.

Hate me if you want but I stand by this post even more than I do my posts mentioning that Justin Bieber is the devil.

Yeah, I can make jokes (sorta) like that because I am an American. Your rights allow you to frown, hate me, demonstrate, flip me off, but you DO NOT EVER have the right to commit violence against anyone because you don’t agree with their choices or identities.

ALL LIVES MATTER.

Someone should hash tag that because it is the truth in any country, any religion, any race. ALL LIVES MATTER.


Inspiration with E Radio Show Premiere

Humbled that gifted poet Ericka Arthur invited me to be a guest on her premiere Inspiration with E Radio Show next Sunday, August 20th, at 7pm EST (4pm PST — I’m in California). Tune in to GrindHardRadio.com. Call in live:…

Altered States

The Donor used to say he never knew who he would coming home to after work and at the time, I wasn’t quite sure what he meant. All people have good days, bad days, good moods, bad moods. It’s not exclusive to me just because I am bipolar and highstrung from anxiety.

Now I am starting to get it. The mood swings are speeding up, the lows lasting longer than the level or highs. And seeing how my own kid turns on a dime…Yeah, I see never knowing which personality you’ll be dealing with. It’s not multiple personality or dissociative, it’s just nature of the beast called bipolar or maybe in her case, being a fickle pickle of a child.

Yesterday I was ready to drink the Kool-Aid, so to speak. Just…inner darkness and self flogging.

Today I am agrro and unsure what mood swing is around the corner. I am dealing with my kid and her dramas, R is not back to his ‘real job’, they used him 3 days then never called him back so he’s back at the shop wanting me to find parts.I have cramps and I don’t know if the meds have screwed up my cycle again or if it’s stress or maybe the ovarian cysts are back and rioting.

I am so disillusioned because I had a few weeks with more ‘feeling good’ than wanting to drink bleach. Why can I never maintain? And is it this inability to “respond properly” to the meds the reason my shrink dumped me on the newbie doctor nurse? Because while I am not as aggro about it as I was a few weeks ago…I am still irked. I like that she is a little more willing to be aggressive in treatment whereas he wanted to try one med at a time without decreasing another…At the same time, I go in and sit there and rather than feeling heard, she’s busy with her computer check list on my symptoms, barely listening beyond asking the standard issue questions. That annoys me.

And it all goes back to my altered mental states. By the time I see her, Thursday or Friday, will I be in tears or will I be totally furious or complacent? Will I have the nerve to tactfully speak up and express my concerns to her about my current treatment status? Or will I cave in to “being the good girl” and being “complaint”? For the psychiatric establishment to place us in that constant state of self doubt and invalidation is abhorrent.

Then again, we do it to ourselves just as much because we know our own altered states and mood ups and downs.

For today, I am rolling with the punches without too much overreaction. Except when my kid vanished and wasn’t where she said she would be and wouldn’t reply when I called for her and I was terrified someone had kidnapped her or she had gotten hurt and couldn’t answer…I did raise my voice and order her “get your butt back home NOW!”…Not my finest moment but I was freaking out and mad that she so openly defied me then tried to make excuses for herself and then blame me because I am the worst parent ever wanting to know where she is…

Currently I am on her shit list for saying no to a sleepover but the girl griped about the fleas and I treated the cats and now the place has begun its first treatment for the bugs, NOT the optimal time for a sleepover…but I am ruining her life, all the while worrying with my limited (I love you guys who cared enough to donate!) fundraiser will result in me not being able to keep up with the monthly treatments to keep the bugs away unless I choose to not eat or take my kid to school cos we don’t have food or gas money…

BREATHE, Morgue.

Still it is a concern and legit and I am on a roller coaster with my own kid who loves me one minute then says I am the worst mother ever the next…While contending with my own ups and downs and self loathing for having the ups and downs..

Just gotta ride it out. Many others have it much worse.

I wish that meant something to society. My nephew and his fiance split (again) and she kept carrying on about how we are a dirty lazy family…Trying to meet someone else’s unrealistic expectations is exhausting. And I have to do it daily. Amazing I even have the energy to type out all my frustrations.


Trying to Wake

I am having such a hard time waking up. I guess I’m going to have to get out early and get a coke to drive to Jackson to meet Janie.  Or I’ll go to sleep on the way. A full week  and a half before I start teaching and I need to do better than this.

The earache turned out to be swimmer’s ear, so she got antibiotic drops for her ear this time.  Hopefully that will be the end of it.

I got my syllabus done and now need to work on my tests. I have no idea what to do for them.  I don’t want to write out long tests, and I don’t want to scantron.    I’m thinking about giving them an essay topic and letting them write a 500-word essay about it and grading it like a composition paper.  That would really be simple.  But I’m not sure that’s allowed.  I may ask the department head for a sample test and make my own to follow it.

My mood is holding up well even though I’m sleepy.  I am going to meet one of my MFA friends for lunch today, see my counselor tomorrow and my psychiatrist the next day, then another MFA friend for lunch Thursday.  So I have a nice busy week planned. Getting ready to give up a slow life for one a bit speedier.  But we will see how it goes. If I have too much trouble managing a 8 a.m., then next year I’ll just ask for a 9 a.m.  That won’t be hard.

 


Splat Happens

It was inevitable after so many consecutive days in the dish being the functional person I am expected to be. It’s why I could never hold a job for more than a few months at a time, even part time, because faking it and the anxiety just tap me out.

Had a decent run, 4 days or so I didn’t feel like dying.

Today has been awful. Instead of running errands while my kid was at church, I lolled in bed til 11 am. Then I got up and took my meds and…lost the lottery and got very ill with neausea and stomach cramps and bathroom trips.

I’d like to say it got better but my mood went Splat when all the kids started bullying Spook (or so she claims, I witnessed nothing other than some mouthing off about who was going to play with who and of course, the tweens and teens are always gonna ditch the 8 year old, cruel but true.) I started feeling incompetent as a parent. My mood went splat, and the dark thoughts crept in and are still hanging around.

I was even gonna let my kid have a friend sleepover as a before back to school treat. Instead that girl, who is ten, fell victim to all the rumors the older girls were saying (we have lice, fleas, bedbugs, etc) and suddenly she had to go home. Odd how she spent 7 nights here over the summer with no complaint about any of that shit but the second a teenager she wants to fit in with says it…Spook and I go under the bus.

By then all the drama had given my a migraine complete with more nausea to go with my lingering med nausea and I was grateful the girl went home. Enough with the drama and stress.

Early bedtime tonight. Brain needs a reboot and hopefully tomorrow will be better. As long as R doesn’t beckon and expect me to feign this functionality thing again. I can feel the seasonal affective disorder settling in even if the psych professionals say it doesn’t start this soon. Every August for years since having my kid, I’ve warned the docs the meds need tweaked cos I could feel the seasonal splat coming (my knees start aching when there’s an abrupt weather shift and 98 degrees one week down to the sixties the next week…Yeah, knee ache city.) Every year I warn them, every year they ignore me until October when it’s too late because I’m already half way down the rabbit hole.

I am gonna try to advocate for myself when I see nurse doctor next. But if the splat decline keeps going, I may well be a basketcase by then and all this progress made on Trintellix will have been undone because others expect more of me than I can safely give without it costing me tremendously psychiatrically.

Fort Blankie time as soon as I tuck in the spawn. Sometimes when your mind gets this blackened..all you can do is retreat and reboot and hope it’s a cyclothymic low that will shift upward after some rest.

I can’t spend much more time with a brain sending me such bleak self abusive thoughts. That sadist Fifty Shades of Grey character could learn a few things about cruelty and torture from my brain.