Daily Archives: July 13, 2017

Brain Worm

Everyone knows what an ear worm is, I get those, especially songs I can’t stand.

What I live with, daily,are brain worms. I’m not talking some hallucination that I have worms living in my brain. It’s just sometimes, my brain gets a thought trapped in it, and it plays in an endless loop, thus setting off my mood and anxiety. And the more I try to make the loop stop playing, the worse it gets.

What I have had to learn to do with this perpetual brain worm condition is…WAIT. Yep, hardest thing for me, I have zero patience, but the only way to be sure the brain worm is a legit emotion and not artifact from bipolar or menstrual dysphoria…is to simply wait. A day, a week, a month. If it’s still bothering me once I’ve had time to let the hormones rage or the bipolar symptoms riot…

Then I know its a problem for me, not just a mood swing or some petty personality issue. And it’s a beautiful system, really, I have learned a lot about myself, and my disorders, by waiting out these brain worms. Learning that what set you off on Monday is barely a blip by Thursday gives you perspective. It also lets you know you can’t exactly trust how you’re feeling all the time.

And this is our Achilles’ Heel with the professionals, family, friends, etc. They know they can use our disorders and brain worm reactions against us. It’s grueling to go through life feeling constantly invalidated, even by yourself.

So I am gonna give my current brain worm some time to have its tantrum, then in a couple of weeks I will see if it’s a big deal still.

And if you’re wondering, the brain worm is about being basically dumped onto the nurse practitioner and robbed of my doctor. I don’t like her methods, she spends all her time writing. He didn’t. he listened. His staff didn’t harass over bloodwork. When I told him I didn’t have gas money to get it done til Xday, he didn’t nag. When meds gave me a problem that alarmed me, he would call me personally and tell me I didn’t have to take it if the side effects were that bad for me.

Not Dr Nurse. She’s so new and determined to go by the book she and her staff are obsessed with the blood work. And that’s fine, let’s see if this toxic stuff has destroyed my organs, but I flat out told her I won’t go above my current 900 on lithium. I’ve let the doctors talk me into it three times and all three times my level went toxic.m Dr B. knew that and never pushed it.

It’s not as if I don’t like Dr Nurse. She’s very pleasant, she’s been there forever. But when I am pouring out my guts and all you can do is make notes on the computer and ask pat questions from a standardized form…It’s not working for me. No connection, no trust.

I WANT MY DR BACK.

Nearly ten years finding a doctor I truly trusted since Dr M and with one call of “Do you mind seeing the nurse practitioner?”…My world was blown up. They did not say it would be a continual thing, there was no warning or explanation. I only agreed because I knew how understaffed and overbooked they were. And trying to be understanding and nice got me…

Worse than nothing because now Dr Nurse has given me a brain worm and I LIKE HER, DAMN IT, but I don’t connect with her style of treatment and I want Dr B back in my corner. How do you I tell her that without it being offensive, though? Or making myself look like a whiny wacko?

I feel doomed, locked in, silenced, and it’s making all my symptoms worse. And I just gotta wonder what kind of mental health care place puts a patient in that position.

For now…the brain worm gets to wriggle and fester about my decaying wasteland of a mind. Come next appointment and I still feel this way…I’m gonna speak up. I think.

But then that can lead to the worst word someone on disability can have a doctor throw at them: non compliant.

Trapped like a rat in a maze. No wonder I don’t feel a bit different with the Trintellix going on a week now. My psych care situation has me stressed, my family has me stress, and I have to visit the toilet every ten minutes because this new medication gives cramps and runs but the dr nurse doesn’t have to live with it so…

Sorry for the rant and graphic grossness but…Brain worms may as well be tumors.


Book Review – “The Memory Of Health”

“I have been given this product as part of a product review through the Chronic Illness Bloggers network. Although the product was a gift, all opinions in this review remain my own and I was in no way influenced by the … Continue reading

At The Dig Site

I knew this wouldn’t be easy.

Lose Weight.  Such a simple sentence.  And it’s everywhere—magazines, TV, grocery stores, billboards, New Year’s Resolutions, the breath passing through many lips.  The sentence is simple, but the act is damn near impossible.  As my mental health team says, “If it was easy, anyone could do it.”

For me, it also means exhuming emotional skeletons, using tweezers and a soft brush to parse a knob of truth from harsh and debilitating bedrock.  I’ve worked this archeological site before.  Assembling all the artifacts never made much difference, just ripped a lot of fingernails and crushed me with failure.

But dig sites are layered and scattered.  Archeologists work a three-dimensional grid, moving out and down.  They know they have to dig deep.  They know they have to range far from the first find.  Their work is meticulous, choreographed, measured.  Patience, attention and delicacy are required.

I’m still not sure I can go through this again.  I don’t know if I can hold myself in compassion as the remnants of former lives resurface.  But I know I’m more equipped to do that now than I was even two years ago.

I believe life is a spiral, bringing us around again and again to the Work that needs to be done.  With each rotation, we come to the task with different tools.  That alone makes the experience different.

I thought I’d read every book on compulsive eating, but wondered if there wasn’t one I missed.  So I put it in my Plan—Check the Library.  There I found Better Is Not So Far Away: Decide to Recover From Bingeing, Starving, or Cutting by Melissa Groman.  Notice the title doesn’t promise recovery.  It only asks that you decide to recover.

The target audience is much younger than me—teens and young adult women—but the truths are so profound, they knock me flat.

In the pit of loneliness, you most likely feel the totally human ache to be understood, to be connected, to be soothed and loved.  But when you are in the pit, you do not believe these longings are normal, and getting them satisfied seems like a very remote possibility.

She [a client] is afraid of not having, not doing, not being, and just as afraid of having, doing and being.

This book helps, and it’s a trigger.  Anything that leads me further in triggers the compulsive eating.  It’s instinct now.

So, I’m uncomfortable, confused, angry and hateful.  I’m also resilient, patient, accepting and fine.

I always wanted to be an archeologist when I grew up.


Process

So I spent yesterday getting everything together for my application to the college I hope to work for this fall.  I had to order my college transcripts online and pay for that.  It was a little bit of a tedious thing–I had to fill in an order form and all of that jazz.  But I got them done for MSU and MUW so that should be taken care of.  According to the English Department head, the MC people will approve me, and then he can schedule me for classes.  I don’t know if there is an interview somewhere in this process or not; I hope there is because I have lots of questions.

Today we are packing to go to dance competition.  I am not looking forwards to it but not dreading it either, so I count that as a plus.  We go to Biloxi this afternoon and dance for competition tomorrow.  Then they have two days of classes that we get to sit and read books through 🙂  We are going to try to visit Bay St. Louis Saturday after classes and see what we can find to see there.

So I will not be writing after today until Monday.  Hope everyone has a great weekend.


Quick Question…

To my bipolar amigos: does anyone have tips for going through time zones? I’m going to be zipping through quite a few myself in a couple days, and last time I ended up in a manic episode that…wasn’t so great. I mean, it was great, obviously, but then it gets all “wreck your life”ish (as those things tend to do). Trying to avoid it this time.

I tried to spend the last week getting on the time schedule of my destination’s time zone, but…well… #fail.

Any advice?