Daily Archives: June 17, 2017

Well, THAT’S Different

So I have six or so drafts I just couldn’t post because when I read them, they were…discombobulated and more rant-y than usual. Let’s hope this one makes some semblance of sense.

I woke up this morning and for the first time in MONTHS…I actually didn’t feel doomed. That is a good thing because I was about ready to give up on Cymbalta. To not feel like dying during one of my kid’s numerous lice outbreaks…Cymbalta and Wellbutrin must be doing something positive. Whether it sticks or not remains to be seen. For today…I am functional and not wishing for death. HUGE improvement because Tuesday, I was semi suicidal.

Today, R called from out of town and asked if I’d meet a customer who needed to pick up their TV. I agreed. And good thing I did. The guy gave me ten bucks for little more than unlocking the door and plugging the TV in to show it works. That almost never happens, the people in this town barely want to pay to fix their stuff, let alone give extra for someone coming in on a Saturday.

After that, Spook and I went to two different stores. The “I Want” monster makes shopping with her a nightmare. I get so sick of saying no and yet after yesterday, she has it coming.

Yesterday, she smashed the tablet screen AND lied by trying to say the cats knocked it down. From hanging out at the shop, I know the difference between a dropped screen crack and when someone steps or sits on it. Now she is grounded for a week and I told her she gets $40 @ $1 a trip per store until she makes up for the $40 tablet she so carelessly smashed and then her lying.

The plan yesterday was for her to stay at my mom’s but finding a couple of nits in her hair quashed that. (Teach me to let two different kids sleep over.) We did the mayo and shower cap thing (I ALWAYS treat myself even if I’m not itchy because, hey, who is gonna check for me? My sis checked her hair three days before and found nothing but her scalp eczema, and I don’t fault my sister, nits are tiny and when mixed in with flaky scalp..damn hard to spot. Unfortunately, this is about the 15th time my kid has had lice.) I was also supposed to go to the shop yesterday to earn some smoke and cat good money but that got quashed, as well. I spent hours vacuuming and washing bedding and clothes and drying it all. Then I had to spend hours combing her hair and mine. NOT fun. I know, ecologically, even roaches serve a purpose, but do tell, anyone who knows…what purpose does head lice solve????

Today we used a flat iron since high heat kills nits, then we did more combing. My dad hauled off my old air conditioners since R helped install the newest one last week. (Such a pain, taking them out and putting them back in every year.) Then we went to the shop, then to two different stores for food, then home. Or did I say that already? My memory is so fubar these days and everyone says it’s just age, but I think, to some extent, it’s the stupid meds.

In an example of “I just don’t get it”…R got laid off and they said it could be weeks before he goes back, but fortunately he got more work in at the shop…But he had six grand to go blow on a “new” used car. WTF? If you’re crying hard times and making everyone feel bad for you, maybe you should go for a car less than six grand? But apparently, I’m just mean. Still, considering how I struggle with lack of money, it’s galling.

More galling…My kid told me the other day I need to get a job so she can go play at daycare. Not the first time she’s said it, but coming off of shark week…It wounded me. Now my hormones are leveled out and it’s like, whatever. At the time, though…I just wanted her to go live anywhere but here because, damn it, when I am menstrual, I am a weak wussified pansy.

Truth be known, of course, I would never send my kid away. She is exhausting and a handful but she is mine and she’s already had one parent walk out. Just, sometimes, she is so hurtful and unapologetic, I don’t feel so blessed, I feel…hurt.

Last week I did something that had me feeling shitty for a couple of days. It involved an friend with benefits, my bedtime meds, and one too many Mangoritas but…My kid was at mom’s, he was driving, and…Damn it, I’m entitled to occasionally let loose, right? It was a bad idea, though, because I have little memory after a certain point. And I want to blame the booze but the fact is…Some morning, even when I haven’t been drinking, I wake up with holes in my memory. Mixing both is A Bad Idea. Bad me. But for months I’ve been good, I’ve been responsible mommy, she was at grandma’s, I just…went a little overboard. Or a lot.

Her friends are driving me nuts. Even when told she has lice, they come knocking. When told she is grounded, they come knocking. Too much drama. My kid tells me I need more friends. Nope. I can barely handle the one or two I have. A little socializing goes a long way with me.

So that’s my confession/guilt/panxiety/depression/not feeling doomed story. Though story makes it sound like fiction. It’s just fact. It’s what happened.

Judge me if you want. I’m alive and kicking and for this day, (so far) I’m not finding life pointless. I’ll take it as a win.


Reblog – Meet and Greet: 6/17/17

Originally posted on Dream Big, Dream Often:
? It’s the Meet and Greet weekend everyone!! ?Strap on your party shoes and join the fun! ? Ok so here are the rules: Leave a link to your page or post in…

I have Bipolar Disorder: Am I a Failure?

failureIt is easy to think of yourself as a failure when you are extremely depressed. You get into a slump where you think you are nothing, but your illness. You live secluded from the rest of the world and dig yourself deeper into a hole where you feel worthless and unworthy of happiness. Because of these dark feelings, you are going to feel like a failure. You will feel like you have let your family and friends down and in reality you have let yourself down.

When you are manic, it is sometimes the opposite:  You feel like you are wonderful and can do no wrong. You are positive and think of yourself as successful even if in reality you are not. What are considered delusions of grandeur can make you feel like you are special and nothing can knock you down.

However, when it comes to my manic episodes, I fear them.  The repercussions are horrific and I almost would rather stay depressed rather than get manic and lose friends, spend money I don’t have, do crazy things I later regret, and basically end up in a spiral where even though things look wonderful, in reality they are only temporary.

When I get manic, I feel like a failure. The medicines very rarely work lately.  Therefore, I am left with the hopeless feeling that things are going to spiral out of control quickly and there is nothing I can do.  Before getting manic there are things I should be doing to take care of myself and because I don’t because I am so depressed, when I get manic those things are not set in place. For example, I should be exercising, eating right, taking time to relax, setting time each day to do something alone and enjoyable.  It is easy to not do those things while in the funk of depression. However, if they were already in my routine, it would be easier to keep them going when I enter a manic episode.  Chances are too that if I was doing them all along, they might even prevent me from getting manic in the first place.

Yes- I can feel like a failure when I am depressed or manic. However, all in all, I think people who battle bipolar disorder should not be viewed as failures. We are up against a lot and it is not an easy battle to endure day after day.  So, if you are thinking that you are a failure, you are far from it.  You are strong and can fight these battles.  You can do it. Think positive! Stay true to yourself and know that even when you go through these cycles, you are a person just like anyone else. You make mistakes and that is okay. Learn to accept yourself with all your faults. Take it one step at a time and learn from each episode.  Learn something that will help you through the next manic or depressed phase.

In answer to the question, “I have bipolar disorder, am I a failure?”  I would have to say…

You are NOT a failure. You might feel like you are a failure sometimes, but you are a strong person who has endured a lot and will continue to fight an awful disease and that makes you a winner in my book.