Daily Archives: May 31, 2017

Note To Self…

…Never feel so great that you think you can skip your nighttime meds and not suffer the consequences.

Yes, I was “up” last week. Yes, it made me want to try going without meds to see what it would be like. And yes, I was awake all night long and felt like I was going to freak the righteous hell out.

I don’t really know what gave me the idea that stopping meds—even as a brief experiment—would be a walk in the park. Like I said, I was definitely on the high side of the mood spectrum and sometimes that makes me think I’m invincible. But I’m also one of those people who feel the effects of med withdrawal within hours of a missed dose. I forgot about that. This damned disease of mine doesn’t have me on a short leash, it’s got me in a chokehold, and the punishment for my transgression was swift and severe.

I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I tossed and turned in bed trying to go to sleep and succeeded only in getting the blankets all twisted up. My thoughts were racing at warp speed, making it impossible to focus on the breathing exercises I do when I’m anxious or stressed. It felt like my eyes were bulging out of my head, my hair was standing on end, and the top of my head was going to fly off. I would have given up the “experiment” at that point, except it was 4 AM and I had to get up for church in only a few hours, so I didn’t want to take my meds then for fear that I’d oversleep.

Not that I was in any danger of that. It’s been a long time since I missed out on an entire night’s sleep, but I was reminded of days past when, in the throes of manic episodes, I went weeks without sleeping more than three or four hours a night. (That in itself is unusual; many people don’t sleep at all during manic phases.) It actually seemed as though I was going to tip over into full-blown mania. Amazing how well I remember how that feels, even though it’s been several years since my last hurrah. But I didn’t, and in the morning I took my daytime meds vowing I’d never pull a stunt like that again.

I can’t promise that, of course. No one with bipolar disorder can, because we cycle in and out of moods even on meds, and when we’re manic we tend to think we can do anything we want. I simply fell prey to the idea that I could skip a dose or two and be fine, even though I’ve tried it before (and it didn’t work then, either). I think deep down I still wish I could be “normal” and not have to take meds; being hypomanic and somewhat impulsive, I made a bad decision.

But it’s not the worst thing in the world. I’ve made much worse mistakes, especially in the area of finances. I have been spending a little too much money recently but I’m still able to pay my bills and rent, and most of the spending is actually for a good reason (smaller clothes for the trip). I’m now down almost 85 lbs. and am close to the goal I’d set for myself to be reached by the time we leave. I’m six months ahead of schedule!

Anyway, that’s an example of what can happen when my illness comes out to play. (Yes, I know better, so please don’t yell at me.) The only reason I’m telling this story is to show readers that a) I’m only human, and b) no matter how much fun hypomania is, there’s always a chance of doing something dumb.

And so it goes.


When The Shoe Is On The Other Foot

My Hubby has been my rock for our 16 years of marriage and the five or so years before that. Even when times were at their worst (and they were), and he wanted to pack it in, he didn’t. He … Continue reading

Launch is Coming

So tonight I make my first post to  http://www.46ReasonsWhyNot.wordpress.com.  I am excited to be starting this new project.  I asked Dunkelberg for help publicizing it yesterday in our conference.   He said he could contact University Relations about it–I offered to write a short press release and send it to him to give him an idea of what I was doing.  I also included Ren and Celeste in it to give it more of a “W flavor” that they might like.  So we will see what comes of that.

I meet with Mary Miller today to talk about it and see if she’s been able to read the original piece and tell me if I can improve it.  I hope she responds well to the idea and tweets about it to all her literary friends 🙂  We will see.  Then tomorrow I’ll meet with Kris Lee and talk to him about what all I have workshopped and where I might want to concentrate my efforts.

I sent off two pieces last night and today–I sent the short-story version of “Hurricane Baby”  to an anthology asking for  stories about “Ruins and their After Effects”.  The call for papers said the ruins could be of a life, and I thought Wendy and Judd’s story fit perfectly. And I sent the piece I workshopped yesterday to Creative Nonfiction.  So we will see what they say.

Hope everyone has a good rest of the week.  I know I will 🙂

 


The Three Goals

Every three months Sadie and I have to update my treatment plan.  The first page reviews progress made since the previous treatment plan was created, and addresses strengths, needs, abilities, and preferences (SNAP).  It lists the members of my treatment team and any “natural supports” – people in my life who are helpful to my […]