So it’s no secret that I am absolutely a TV junkie. I binge watch like a pro and sometimes, the characters start to feel like family and friends. Not in a ‘lost touch with reality way’ but in a comforting way.
And then there are episodes of shows that trigger me. This week there have been a couple.
One episode was centered around a missing schizophrenic. His psychiatrist said, “I’d rather be alone with a paranoid schizophrenic than a bipolar or borderline patient.”
And logically, I know it’s fiction, just a TV show. I also know there are doctors and ‘mundanes’ who actually think like that and believe it.
It bothers me. Because I’m not violent. I am volatile but since a proper diagnosis and mood stabilizers, I no longer have the outbursts of throwing things then hiding in the bathtub n shame. Even then, I didn’t go after people. Walls hit with shoes, plates broken to vent frustration, sure. Like ten years ago. To hear that bipolar and borderline disorders are classified as having a propensity for violence really pisses me off. While some patients may lean that way, the sweeping generalization that ALL are dangerous…NOPE.
So one more thing that leaves me wondering…Am I a monster? If I’m not one now, am I eventually going to snap and become one because apparently, that’s how even the professionals view bipolar disorder?
The other show that got me locked in a loop on my own worth as a person involved a father who had walked out on his daughters and he told his adult daughter, “I had to leave, there was no way I could have stayed with your mother and survived.”
And right back to…I ran the donor off, I was a monster, I did everything wrong and logic was out the window for most of it due to pregnancy, not being medicated, being wrongly medicated. And of course, I did that horrid thing of projecting some of my own issues on him without even realizing that’s what I was doing. I begged him to stay even though deep down, I knew it was all wrong and I’d known it before I was even pregnant with Spook. He was the one telling me I was a quitter, give it more time, nothing is wrong, he’s happy with his family…
He said that right up til 3 days before he walked out by sneaking out his stuff and a 30 second call saying, “I can’t do this anymore.” What was I supposed to believe when I was so mislead? How could I be a monster when I was simply believing what I was being told?
And while trying to hang on even though he made it clear his wasn’t strong enough to handle my mental conditions and it was dragging him down..I was wrong but my reasoning was pure. I didn’t want to give up on one more thing. I didn’t want to be a quitter, again. I didn’t want my child punished by having no father just because I am difficult.
Looking back, it’s all so clear. Especially now that karma has bitten me on the ass and my daughter pretty much erodes my self esteem and sanity on an hourly basis. Is that how I made the donor feel? If so, wow. I am a monster. Not that he didn’t bring some of it on himself, always monitoring my every expression and asking are you okay and not letting up even when I said ten times to let me ride out the mood swing, it;s not your fault. That would set a sane person off being battered rammed constantly and especially when he made my condition all about him, as if it could be boiled down to what did he do wrong.
Rationalizing my own poor behavior, right?
No I accept responsibility for my bad behavior. I do not accept his weakness, not being able to cope with my conditions which were made known from word go. I do not accept that I am so monstrous it entitles him to abandon his child and not even attempt a relationship with her. Do I want to deal with him? Hell no. But when my kid asks what she did wrong to not have a dad like other kids…I’d walk through fire to give her a dad even if it kills my soul. Because it’s what you do when you love someone. You stop caring all about yourself and you sacrifice, you suck it up
I will apologize to him for my bad behavior. Not being bipolar, I didn’t ask for that. But my personality quirks that hurt him..I feel shitty about that. I own it. I can only try to do better and be better.
So am I horrible person? I’d like to think no. Troubled, flawed, difficult, sure. But a horrible person wouldn’t think twice about how they contributed to the failure of their relationships. They would blame the other person entirely. That’s a horrible person.
But maybe making that judgment is what makes me horrible.
Sometimes, I think all the therapy actually made me worse as opposed to better. Constant analysis of my behavior, past, present, future, analyzing those around me, wondering what disorders my shrink has so how does he have the right to label me…
That much awareness is kind of stifling and self defeating.