I had a bad night last night, I had all kinds of negative thinking going on and couldn’t settle down to sleep, then I started hacking with a reflux cough. Went through three cough drops before I could get it under control. That was before 4 a.m. So I couldn’t really take a cough medicine and expect to function this morning. So I just suffered.
I did have an interesting conversation with someone about my new site yesterday. The local paper ran an article about “13 Reasons Why” the TV show that got me thinking about this. I called up the author, who turned out to be the audience engagement director for the paper. He thought doing an article on the website was a good idea to run in counterpoint to his article, but he would have to sell it in the newsroom. SO we may get some publicity after all for the site. We will see.
My brain is quieter today. Unfortunately, my body is tapped out. The price of a couple of high anxiety days. Every muscle is sore and aching. Think that’s the one thing everyone leaves out about depression and anxiety. It isn’t just a misbehaving brain. It impacts you physically, too, and it is exhausting on every level.
The school carnival was fine. I hated the crowds and overheated, as usual, but Spook had fun and nothing horrid happened. I was just relieved to get it over with. Because I could barely function the whole day with the rampaging paranoia and anxiety. I literally watched the clock, unable to focus on anything, just waiting for it to be over.
Today I woke before six. I kept hitting snooze. Normally I’m programmed to get moving after Slipknot and 30STM belt out about six times. And it’s hard for me to sleep when it’s light out. I didn’t think I’d nod off. Especially with two alarms running on snooze and going off every 15 minutes. Then I did not off and woke at 7:25 to Eminem. OOPS. Normally that’s when we leave and Spook wasn’t even up yet. Guess the exhaustion just got the better of me.
And of course, scumbag brain screams WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO BE EXHAUSTED ABOUT, YOU DON’T WORK, YOU’RE A LOUSY HOUSEKEEPER SO YOU’RE NOT CLEANING, YOU HAVE NO SOCIAL LIFE, YOU’RE JUST LAZY!
Ahh, the joy of depression and its many lies and distortions. Until you’ve lived it, you just don’t know. And when you live it in the long term…It makes you view things differently. Not being able to get out of bed ceases to be “something lazy people do”. Because it’s different when it happens to YOU.
My writing was blocked yesterday due to the panxiety and now I feel totally blocked. Which sucks because Monday I had all sorts of ideas floating…It’s mind boggling how mental conditions impact every aspect of your life. People think it’s just stuff we don’t want to do or things that are difficult. No. It’s EVERYTHING ASPECT.And when it robs you of not just basic functionality, but also the things that make you keep breathing in spite of your conditions…
But at least for today my brain is quieter and I don’t think everyone is out to get me. It’s a tiny thing, but I’ll take the win.