- In Crisis
- Reblog – Thank you Sweetheart
- Running Late
- Studies help explain link between autism, and severe infection during pregnancy (!!!!)
- Poem – ‘Check List’
- Poem – ‘I am Full of Bees’
- Tonight I Went To The Store
- I’m in the Wrong Coffee Shop
- Trans People Too Often Harm Their Own. So Can We Talk About How to Do Better?
Daily Archives: May 15, 2017
I've been having extreme mood swings where days are radically different.
One day I'm upbeat, energetic, productive, grateful, and optimistic. The little things don't bother me. I'm confident I will tackle them and they are manageable. I will get things done. My thoughts are quick. They bubble up to the surface. It feels like basking in a relaxing hot spring. I want to spend time with my family. They are so supportive and they fill me with energy, hope, and love. I can feel my positive attitude affecting them. It feels so light and effortless. I feel lucky to have my job and my home.
Then, the very next day is the extreme opposite. There is a multi-day streak that feels as if I've been in a deep depression for months. I'm dejected, sad, and hopeless. At all times a crying jag is three minutes away. The household tasks I've procrastinated are overwhelming. I loathe myself for putting them off for so long. I want desperately to be alone. My family isn't loving, they are an insatiable obligation. They won't leave me alone. They want to spend time with me all day long. They are crushingly dependent on my job and my income. Our lives would completely fall apart if I lost my job. And I don't think I can take my job another day. I'm failing at it. I'm behind. I'm going to blow it. I start late, nap during lunch, and barely get anything done. I can't focus. My moods affect my family and I resent them. They aren't caring but instead are helplessly dependent. I feel their disappointment as they resign themselves to my sudden descent into negativity. The guilt is overwhelming. I feel pressured to maintain a stable mood and shield them from the hell that is consuming me. They see a "bad mood" and I don't think they realize the suicidal thoughts that just won't stop. They see "impatience" and not the rage I can barely suppress. Sometimes I want to hurt them in the most savage way I can imagine. The desperate desire to get away. Feeling trapped and helpless because there's no way to escape this pain without crushing their lives. So I feel even more alone and I want to avoid them even more. I don't have the energy to keep up the facade.
The irony is that it's all so tiresome. Somehow... the emotional whiplash just gets to be the new normal. Swinging from love to repulsion. It's exhausting. But it just isn't surprising anymore. Hurrah.
I woke before the alarm today and couldn’t get back to sleep but I remained in bed til a little after 7. Cursing scumbag brain for waking me so early, yet grateful that I had actually slept pretty well last night. First night in a long time I didn’t wake up multiple times and I just took my usual 2 mg Xanax, no sleep aides. Of course, I was pretty wiped as my gift from my daughter for Mother’s Day was being wakened at 6:30 a.m. while she got ready for church.The van doesn’t pick them up til 8:30. Thanks, Spook. Least she did remember it was Mother’s Day.
It wasn’t a bad weekend though my dad and his crew took my kid Saturday and Sunday. I didn’t mind Saturday so much, they took her to a carnival where the proceeds went to a local animal rescue. When they brought her back and Spook was carrying on about a ride she went on, I said, “That sounds fun, wish I could ride it.” And my lovely not legal stepmonster but 18 years with my idiot dad kind of makes her family…said, “Oh, your ass would never fit on the seat, mine barely did.”
UM HELLO? The woman isn’t happy unless insulting someone. Which considering she was more bullied in school than I was, I’d have thought she’d have compassion and empathy towards people with weight issues or whatever. Instead she has this distorted view of herself where she’s thinner than everyone around her. Fact is, she’s five foot four and over two hundred twenty pounds. Maybe I weigh more than her, but I am almost five foot eight and believe me…I wear the weight way better than her. Not to mention she wears her pants so tight they could be painted on and tucks her shirts in so her gut and jelly rolls are in your face. So for that beast to imply that I am fatter than her…Well, it was plain rude and not true. My sister is a size 16 and stepmonster even makes remarks about her weight fluctuations. The woman is delusional. She must have one of those fun house mirrors that makes her see something the rest of us don’t.
And my own father doesn’t defend me, he just piles on with my jokes about my fat ass. And people wonder why I have so little to do with that faction of family.
Sunday my kid spent 3 hours at church, then an hour later, they picked Spook up to take to my uncle’s to pet ponies or some shit. Which left me alone on Mother’s Day. They didn’t bring her back til almost seven. Every. Fucking. Mother’s. Day. And I just let them because Spook wants to go (and then she doesn’t, then she does, wtf). But I wrote a little, proofed some of my writing from 2013 (so much better than my current drivel, it’s like I was lobotomized between then and now.) I wasn’t lonely, just irked, and that could well be the PMS.
My mom and sister and nephew’s gf all wished me a Happy Mother’s day and gave me some gifts. Nothing major but they thought about me. Dad gave me a ten dollar gift card at the gas station. Not unappreciated, but he sends a pretty good message. “Niki never has gas in the car, so let’s give her a practical gift even though she mentioned they were low on food.” Brilliant.
So now that I have prattled about all that crap…Today.
My brain is hypomanic, but it’s the useless manic energy of the mind. I have accomplished nothing in spite of piled up dishes and unfolded laundry. Yet I converted some m4’s to mp3’s though it took 40 minutes because my scrambled brain kept pushing wrong buttons and forgetting to copy between net connected laptop and non connected desktop. It’s like I KNOW what I want to click and open and yet my fingers just click the wrong thing and I don’t realize it til after the fact. My brain is moving too fast, is the problem. Focus is not happening, evidenced by being on the third episode of Cold Case this morning and having watching about 1/4 of each. Background noise.
I like when the hypo energy gets shit done, like housework. Or writing. But when it’s just on a hamster wheel getting me nowhere and nothing done…I want to stab my brain with a really long spork. Bad brain, bad!
And the bullshit part is, the so called psych professionals think hypomania is MINOR compared to bipolar axis 1 full blown mania. IT IS NOT MINOR. Never knowing when your brain is going to spin out of control and become a tornado funnel cloud that doesn’t even throw things around productively or destructively…Not staying on topic, rambling…NOT MINOR. It is debilitating and everyone around me swears I am drunk or on drugs when I am this way. But I read other blogs and I know many of you are familiar with this hypo phase and just as frustrated.
So now I am gonna try to calm my brain down, one Xanax didn’t do it, maybe another will. Which will put me down to 1mg at bedtime, but sacrifices have to be made for survival. This spinning brain thing is disorientating to the degree I’d do anything to make it stop. Anything but listen to Justin Bieber music or wear clown shoes. We all have our limits.
The whiplash ride is over, please disembark to the left and have a nice day. Thanks for taking a ride on my bipolar coaster.
Well, my friend Rob Moore just sent me his installment of forty reasons to stay alive, and it was typical Rob. Dark with some points of light. But I should be able to use it regardless. I’m really looking forward to this.
As you can see, I went ahead and redesigned my website–my old theme has been retired by WordPress and I decided it was time for a change. I also redid my other site, Rollersaking Over Forty (www.jdlwhitehead.wordpress.com) in an orange version of this theme, and the new site, 46 Reasons Why, will be blue. So I am really excited for the new looks and some of the new features I can incorporate if I so desire.
Today is also graduation for my middle child–I’ll write more about it tomorrow since we wont be done until late tonight. She has practice this morning at ten so we’ll know more about what is going on.
Got to go clean up the housed as my parent will be coming over this afternoon. That’s no fun but has to be done.
Hope everyone has a good week!
After a busy weekend, I realized I had missed TToT for a couple weeks, and was so grateful (#1!) to find that the linkup is open until Tuesday. If you enjoy these posts, I would highly encourage you to join in with those who are thankful. More information can be found at the TToT website, here.
I have missed blogging over the last month or so, but have found that I have relatively little to say. I am thankful (#2!) to be back to it today. Blogging, for me, is like a comfy old sweater that you find at the back of the closet. I don’t realize how much I miss the comfort of it until I do it again.
The Mother’s Day service at my new church was really amazing. I am eternally grateful to my friend, Marla, for getting me back in the swing of going (#3!). It is a smaller church, not anything fancy or pretentious, and the pastor has delivered a wonderful, easy-to-understand message each and every service I have been to.
Since this week’s theme was Mother’s Day, he talked about the gifts we should be giving our mothers. The gifts of acceptance, of appreciation, and of affirmation. He said he knew of many people who were still blaming the issues of their lives on parents long into their 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and how freeing it could be to give these gifts to one’s mother, no matter the relationship. I have a pretty decent relationship with my mom, but was grateful (#4!) for this message, because it told me that God really wants me to accept her even more fully, appreciate her beyond the mundane, and use affirmation to build her up at any turn, no matter the situation. I was so moved during the service, that I shed tears, and I was truly touched, thinking of my mother and my life, and I how I can do better and not blame her for things beyond her control. As the pastor said, “You didn’t choose your mother, but she didn’t choose you either.” That really rang true for me and I was grateful to hear it (#5!).
Although a bit redundant, I must give thanks again (#6) for the LarBear, for being my rock, for being my everything, for always being there. Mother’s Day is a difficult time for me, as I struggle with my own choices long ago not to have children, and I see what a positive impact so many women are making in the lives of their children. Facebook was particularly hard to look at this weekend, but while I am sad and lonely and regretful about never having children, I am also thankful (#7!) that I have never brought a human into this world that I wasn’t fully able to take care of. Some people were meant to be aunts, and dog moms, and that is enough for me. It is hard to swallow sometimes, but I am grateful for the decision.
And in no particular order, to close out the post, I am thankful for:
8. Instagram and the wonderful people, beautiful and meaningful pictures and posts, and the ability to interact more with my sister through it.
9. The birthday that keeps on giving, LarBear and I are booked for a two-night trip starting next week to the Kansas Cosmosphere, and we are thrilled!
10. The confidence I have found in crafting, where if I see it, I now believe I can do it, and I DO THE THINGS. Thank heavens for a creative mind.
Depression goes hand-in-hand with bipolar disorder. Read here on how depression makes your body feel. Please also visit Good Content for more articles on mental health, healthy living and general tips and advice. You […]