I woke before the alarm today and couldn’t get back to sleep but I remained in bed til a little after 7. Cursing scumbag brain for waking me so early, yet grateful that I had actually slept pretty well last night. First night in a long time I didn’t wake up multiple times and I just took my usual 2 mg Xanax, no sleep aides. Of course, I was pretty wiped as my gift from my daughter for Mother’s Day was being wakened at 6:30 a.m. while she got ready for church.The van doesn’t pick them up til 8:30. Thanks, Spook. Least she did remember it was Mother’s Day.
It wasn’t a bad weekend though my dad and his crew took my kid Saturday and Sunday. I didn’t mind Saturday so much, they took her to a carnival where the proceeds went to a local animal rescue. When they brought her back and Spook was carrying on about a ride she went on, I said, “That sounds fun, wish I could ride it.” And my lovely not legal stepmonster but 18 years with my idiot dad kind of makes her family…said, “Oh, your ass would never fit on the seat, mine barely did.”
UM HELLO? The woman isn’t happy unless insulting someone. Which considering she was more bullied in school than I was, I’d have thought she’d have compassion and empathy towards people with weight issues or whatever. Instead she has this distorted view of herself where she’s thinner than everyone around her. Fact is, she’s five foot four and over two hundred twenty pounds. Maybe I weigh more than her, but I am almost five foot eight and believe me…I wear the weight way better than her. Not to mention she wears her pants so tight they could be painted on and tucks her shirts in so her gut and jelly rolls are in your face. So for that beast to imply that I am fatter than her…Well, it was plain rude and not true. My sister is a size 16 and stepmonster even makes remarks about her weight fluctuations. The woman is delusional. She must have one of those fun house mirrors that makes her see something the rest of us don’t.
And my own father doesn’t defend me, he just piles on with my jokes about my fat ass. And people wonder why I have so little to do with that faction of family.
Sunday my kid spent 3 hours at church, then an hour later, they picked Spook up to take to my uncle’s to pet ponies or some shit. Which left me alone on Mother’s Day. They didn’t bring her back til almost seven. Every. Fucking. Mother’s. Day. And I just let them because Spook wants to go (and then she doesn’t, then she does, wtf). But I wrote a little, proofed some of my writing from 2013 (so much better than my current drivel, it’s like I was lobotomized between then and now.) I wasn’t lonely, just irked, and that could well be the PMS.
My mom and sister and nephew’s gf all wished me a Happy Mother’s day and gave me some gifts. Nothing major but they thought about me. Dad gave me a ten dollar gift card at the gas station. Not unappreciated, but he sends a pretty good message. “Niki never has gas in the car, so let’s give her a practical gift even though she mentioned they were low on food.” Brilliant.
So now that I have prattled about all that crap…Today.
My brain is hypomanic, but it’s the useless manic energy of the mind. I have accomplished nothing in spite of piled up dishes and unfolded laundry. Yet I converted some m4’s to mp3’s though it took 40 minutes because my scrambled brain kept pushing wrong buttons and forgetting to copy between net connected laptop and non connected desktop. It’s like I KNOW what I want to click and open and yet my fingers just click the wrong thing and I don’t realize it til after the fact. My brain is moving too fast, is the problem. Focus is not happening, evidenced by being on the third episode of Cold Case this morning and having watching about 1/4 of each. Background noise.
I like when the hypo energy gets shit done, like housework. Or writing. But when it’s just on a hamster wheel getting me nowhere and nothing done…I want to stab my brain with a really long spork. Bad brain, bad!
And the bullshit part is, the so called psych professionals think hypomania is MINOR compared to bipolar axis 1 full blown mania. IT IS NOT MINOR. Never knowing when your brain is going to spin out of control and become a tornado funnel cloud that doesn’t even throw things around productively or destructively…Not staying on topic, rambling…NOT MINOR. It is debilitating and everyone around me swears I am drunk or on drugs when I am this way. But I read other blogs and I know many of you are familiar with this hypo phase and just as frustrated.
So now I am gonna try to calm my brain down, one Xanax didn’t do it, maybe another will. Which will put me down to 1mg at bedtime, but sacrifices have to be made for survival. This spinning brain thing is disorientating to the degree I’d do anything to make it stop. Anything but listen to Justin Bieber music or wear clown shoes. We all have our limits.
The whiplash ride is over, please disembark to the left and have a nice day. Thanks for taking a ride on my bipolar coaster.