Daily Archives: May 8, 2017


Now this isn’t probably a widely vocalized point. But after the events of the last week or so, and the day I spent worried sick about my son because he made a stupid decision. You can read about that Here

Anyway, I have decided there are times when forcing yourself to be in denial can only benefit you. Specifically when you have so many thoughts and emotions floating around that you can’t function. You can only have the picture of your child in a casket so many times before you have to do whatever it takes it get rid of it. So, I just decided to be in denial. What does denial give me??

Well, first it gives me the ability to talk about the situations in general terms without having a panic attack. Second, it allows me to see that hopefully one day my son will understand the impact his actions had on everyone, but specifically his dad and I. Second, it keeps me from reliving the same thoughts and emotions over and over. I literally can’t not let it go unless I just remove myself completely through denial. 

Since the other days actuvities I have found out there’s yet another thousand reasons why my child doesn’t get it. We are not helicopter parents or have we ever been. We allow our kids to make decisions for themselves and often allow the natural consequences to be the only punishment they receive. That’s not to say we don’t punish our kids but by the time they are driving and have jobs if you haven’t made the point to them, you aren’t going to. We are not however rich people. We bought our son a used car on credit and just paid the last of that off in the last 6 months(yes that would be the car he destroyed when he decided to drive through water). We didn’t even get mad about that. We just said well maybe you learned a lesson since you’re without a car now. Sorry, anyway, they don’t receive nothing but we often have to decide between one thing or another as far as money goes. So he got a car instead of braces. I’m sure there are those who believe their kids should get whatever they want, or that their children’s needs come before theirs. And in the very fundamental ways they do. But my son treats us like we destroyed his life because he was never able to get braces. And I am absolutely serious here. He made sure to point out I got my teeth fixed before him. Well, news flash there are things we legally have to provide and one of them is not braces, or dental care at all for that matter. And if after all the things we have gotten and given and done for you you hate us enough to not want to see us then that is on you. 

So as you can see there are many reasons for me to be in denial. And this really is just the tip of the iceberg. But denial works. Denial will allow me to at least sort of let these things go. Because there is nothing I can do about them right now. I can’t make my entitled selfish child understand how much we actually have him. So I have to wait for nature to take its course. I have to wait the 10,15, or 20 years it’s going to take for my son to realize what we truly gave him and how big a deal his “unwise”(that’s his word) decisions were last week. And in the mean time I don’t want to spend that much time not talking to my kid and having him in my life. 

So I will be in denial. I will pull some of these things out and think on them from time to time. But mostly I will be in denial. I will stay there until some day in the future when my son is ready and we can discuss this. I will stay there because if I don’t I will likely only want revenge. Or to keep things from my son like gifts, and holidays, and family dinners. I will want to punish him for something that I KNOW he has no way of understanding right now. Denial will allow me to act like what I want to feel inside. It will allow me to keep loving him and keep giving to him because he’s my son and I love him. 

I’m really not a fake person. Ask anybody who knows me and they will tell you that what you see is what you get. And it’s true. In most cases I don’t have the ability to be fake without it greatly affecting my brain.  It destroys what is inside of me and causes me to a be a person that I never want to be. So, when it’s my kid or another family member I just use denial. 

I think I probably learned this sometime during the 20ish years I was not diagnosed or treated. I’m just now able to see some of these things for what they are. And while many a person will tell you denial is bad. I will tell you it’s good, even for just a short time sometimes. I can tell you that should anything tragic happen to anyone in my family or close circle of friends I will have to be in denial, or I will end up in the hospital. It’s not that you don’t have emotions or don’t care. It’s a defense mechanism. It allows for the passage of time to sooth the rough edges of the pain, or anger, or heartache and allow you to keep living when all you really want to do is checkout and spend copious amounts of time alone. It allows me to be removed a little bit so I can still do the things that need to be done. Mostly, it’s going to allow me to love my son. To be around him and enjoy him and share life with him until someday in the future when it finally hits him how what he did made me feel. Because otherwise I wouldn’t be able to let it go. My obsessive thoughts would sneak in and destroy any kind of involvement that there is. So I will get all the way to full denial one day soon and when I do I will be able to think about him without wanting to strangle him. Or without trying to force from him and acknowledgement or apology that he isn’t prepared to give at this time. But it will let us be close and be a family and I would never want that to be compromised or taken from anyone in our family because of actions that may have been hurtful, or nasty words that have been said. I won’t deprive my family of part of the family because I can’t make my brain do what I want it to. So I will be in denial. I will live my life and I will pray that one day my son will truly understand what he did to us and why it was such a big deal. 

Denial, a good way to cope when you find yourself with no other good choices. 

Thanks for reading! Be blessed today!! And hug the people you love, even if you have to find yourself in denial to do so. 

Jump Start

I just need to jump start this engine
It mostly stops
Sometimes it sputters
But ultimately quits
No momentum
Not only scientific
But psychological
Isolating body
Rotting in guilt
Do not be fooled
It is not resistance
It is not choice
Neither is it rest

Reblog – Another Hospital Trip, Another Purple Dress

Daily Prompt – Better I am late to the party on this daily prompt word (it is from Saturday). However, when I finally checked it I couldn’t resist as it is the perfect word on so many levels. On Friday…

Senior Sunday

We had senior recognition on Sunday at church.  It went really well–the pastor prayed over the kids in church  and then we had a dinner after church where the pastor prayed over every child individually and that was sweet.  I just love how much care our church tries to take over our kids.

We had another fun experience yesterday–we all took a personality test that had kid versions, teen versions, and adult versions.  We found out that AMber and I are very alike, that Bob as people see him is pretty much as he is, that I’m able to moderate my tendencies to interact with people in certain ways, and that Rachel is very much more people-oriented than any of us.  She likes doing things right and helping out in order to make every one happy rather than for the pleasure of doing the task itself.  AMber and I are very task oriented, but Bob has more people skills than we do, and Rachel even more than him.  So that was interesting.

Done with school for this semester–still have the long residency coming up and hopefully will be able to go to that without any trouble.  I feel a lot better than I did last week so that is a plus.  I suppose it was just everything together that made everything so hard for me.







Meltdown Much?

To paint an accurate portrait of just how much of a hot mess I am right now…One of the kitten walked over this laptop this morning and shut off the wifi. Rather than think logically, I went into meltdown. Because nooo, this computer doesn’t have the usual switch or slide to enable wifi. It has little light at the top, amber is off, blue is enabled. It was amber and nothing I did helped. So I got the other laptop but of course, it had nine fucking windows updates the last time it was on so I had to wait for those to configure.

(Ha, now my touchpad is working again and I have no idea why, that was another thing kitten paws had disabled so I just went external mouse.) By the time I got Google open and went searching for answers, I was screaming mad, like an idiot, of course. I had just sat down to start writing, got ten minutes in and all this shit happened so I spazzed, it’s my thing. And honestly, it should be that damned hard to figure out what function keys turn on wifi, ffs.

Then by sheer accident I was wiping the keyboard of dust to see if there was an idiot button (the one that says HEY IDIOT, PRESS HERE FOR WIFI)…bam. Blue light, enabled. It’s TOUCH controlled. How have I had this thing almost a year and never known that???? And having solved the issue…I now feel like a tantrum throwing moron. Not the first time, not the last. I am depression’s bitch and I am anxiety’s marionette. Smallest things send me into freefall and meltdown and it is humiliating. Like last month when I called the landlord’s office ranting about that dog next door trying to attack my kid and they said it was a problem for animal control. I was on a roll, though, throwing out words like “lawsuit” because if you are a landlord made aware a dangerous animal is being allowed to roam loose by irresponsible owners, YOU should be held accountable. Instead, the landlord and his employees now make even more condescending comments toward me and how I “get so upset.”

Yeah, it’s funny as hell, being so high strung and panicky. I choose to be this way because it is so dignified and fun.

So wifi fixed, embarrassed, blah blah.

Got my call from R last night and I had had a very very bad physical and mental health day and my kid was bringing her shrieking brats around and mouthing me…and here I am thinking I am free of the albatross of having to help him and shit…And he says he has a money making proposition for me. He has a whole shelf of extra TV parts he wants me to research, label, photograph and sell on ebay. AND he’s willing to split 60-40, in my favor.

If I weren’t mid depressive anxiety meltdown, if I were thinking logically…That would sound good.

As I am now…it’s more stress than I can take.

But I said I would give it a shot because hey, new muffler on the car would be pretty sweet…Of course by the time I can focus enough to label 80 different parts for their part number and model numbers and the price he wants to charge, plus paying nothing for shipping…That’s gonna be a gold plated muffler in terms of psychological costs. I should have just said no. But he asked me to do this same thing four years ago and I failed him then, and I just feel like…I owe him this much. And I told him it could be weeks or months for me to get it done. And now that he’s making better money, why should it matter if it takes me awhile? He, and others, seem to think the lure of money cures mental illness and makes you super focused and enthusiastic but it really doesn’t.

So later I am going in to download a firmware TV update for him to SD card because he apparently doesn’t own one and he can’t find the card reader on the laptop I had first so I know it has one, damn it. No way you can wire up shit the way he does but not be able to find a card reader.

Then again, I couldn’t find a wifi touch button so…

I miss that 8 day stretch back in March when I was doing so well and thought I was all better. Knowing that feeling exists only to end up back here…Demoralizing.

[Mental Floss Mondays] Inspiration

We, at Our Lived Experience, wishes you a very good Monday and a wonderful week.  Why not educate yourself again? Read here about bipolar disorder depression.