Now this isn’t probably a widely vocalized point. But after the events of the last week or so, and the day I spent worried sick about my son because he made a stupid decision. You can read about that Here.
Anyway, I have decided there are times when forcing yourself to be in denial can only benefit you. Specifically when you have so many thoughts and emotions floating around that you can’t function. You can only have the picture of your child in a casket so many times before you have to do whatever it takes it get rid of it. So, I just decided to be in denial. What does denial give me??
Well, first it gives me the ability to talk about the situations in general terms without having a panic attack. Second, it allows me to see that hopefully one day my son will understand the impact his actions had on everyone, but specifically his dad and I. Second, it keeps me from reliving the same thoughts and emotions over and over. I literally can’t not let it go unless I just remove myself completely through denial.
Since the other days actuvities I have found out there’s yet another thousand reasons why my child doesn’t get it. We are not helicopter parents or have we ever been. We allow our kids to make decisions for themselves and often allow the natural consequences to be the only punishment they receive. That’s not to say we don’t punish our kids but by the time they are driving and have jobs if you haven’t made the point to them, you aren’t going to. We are not however rich people. We bought our son a used car on credit and just paid the last of that off in the last 6 months(yes that would be the car he destroyed when he decided to drive through water). We didn’t even get mad about that. We just said well maybe you learned a lesson since you’re without a car now. Sorry, anyway, they don’t receive nothing but we often have to decide between one thing or another as far as money goes. So he got a car instead of braces. I’m sure there are those who believe their kids should get whatever they want, or that their children’s needs come before theirs. And in the very fundamental ways they do. But my son treats us like we destroyed his life because he was never able to get braces. And I am absolutely serious here. He made sure to point out I got my teeth fixed before him. Well, news flash there are things we legally have to provide and one of them is not braces, or dental care at all for that matter. And if after all the things we have gotten and given and done for you you hate us enough to not want to see us then that is on you.
So as you can see there are many reasons for me to be in denial. And this really is just the tip of the iceberg. But denial works. Denial will allow me to at least sort of let these things go. Because there is nothing I can do about them right now. I can’t make my entitled selfish child understand how much we actually have him. So I have to wait for nature to take its course. I have to wait the 10,15, or 20 years it’s going to take for my son to realize what we truly gave him and how big a deal his “unwise”(that’s his word) decisions were last week. And in the mean time I don’t want to spend that much time not talking to my kid and having him in my life.
So I will be in denial. I will pull some of these things out and think on them from time to time. But mostly I will be in denial. I will stay there until some day in the future when my son is ready and we can discuss this. I will stay there because if I don’t I will likely only want revenge. Or to keep things from my son like gifts, and holidays, and family dinners. I will want to punish him for something that I KNOW he has no way of understanding right now. Denial will allow me to act like what I want to feel inside. It will allow me to keep loving him and keep giving to him because he’s my son and I love him.
I’m really not a fake person. Ask anybody who knows me and they will tell you that what you see is what you get. And it’s true. In most cases I don’t have the ability to be fake without it greatly affecting my brain. It destroys what is inside of me and causes me to a be a person that I never want to be. So, when it’s my kid or another family member I just use denial.
I think I probably learned this sometime during the 20ish years I was not diagnosed or treated. I’m just now able to see some of these things for what they are. And while many a person will tell you denial is bad. I will tell you it’s good, even for just a short time sometimes. I can tell you that should anything tragic happen to anyone in my family or close circle of friends I will have to be in denial, or I will end up in the hospital. It’s not that you don’t have emotions or don’t care. It’s a defense mechanism. It allows for the passage of time to sooth the rough edges of the pain, or anger, or heartache and allow you to keep living when all you really want to do is checkout and spend copious amounts of time alone. It allows me to be removed a little bit so I can still do the things that need to be done. Mostly, it’s going to allow me to love my son. To be around him and enjoy him and share life with him until someday in the future when it finally hits him how what he did made me feel. Because otherwise I wouldn’t be able to let it go. My obsessive thoughts would sneak in and destroy any kind of involvement that there is. So I will get all the way to full denial one day soon and when I do I will be able to think about him without wanting to strangle him. Or without trying to force from him and acknowledgement or apology that he isn’t prepared to give at this time. But it will let us be close and be a family and I would never want that to be compromised or taken from anyone in our family because of actions that may have been hurtful, or nasty words that have been said. I won’t deprive my family of part of the family because I can’t make my brain do what I want it to. So I will be in denial. I will live my life and I will pray that one day my son will truly understand what he did to us and why it was such a big deal.
Denial, a good way to cope when you find yourself with no other good choices.
Thanks for reading! Be blessed today!! And hug the people you love, even if you have to find yourself in denial to do so.