Daily Archives: April 28, 2017
The gifted author/poet Alexis Zinkerman Alexis Zinkerman is a journalist, poet, and mental health advocate, and she has bipolar one disorder. She holds an MA in Writing from DePaul University, and her novella Brooklyn’s Song is available on Amazon. Alexis was first diagnosed with bipolar in 1996, but it took her many more years to find … Continue reading Stunned by Alexis Zinkerman’s “Metronome”
I have long mocked people, like me, from the midwest who spend way too much time prattling about the stupid weather. In my case with a seasonal affective disorder diagnosis attached to bipolar 2..The weather is actually very relevant from day to day. A month ago right before the first day of spring the weather went super sunny and all toasty warm and I felt CURED OF ALL DEPRESSION.
Ha, what a let down that always is.
Illinois has not gotten the memo yet that it is actually spring and thus it should be NOT in the forties and pouring every.single.damned.day. It’s like Seattle without interesting scenery, though as defeating as being in the place that vomited the grunge music scene onto the world. (Sorry, grunge fans, hate it with the intensity of a thousand burning suns) I don’t think it is just me with askew perceptions due to my desperation to escape the sooo looong winter depression thus I’ve forgotten this is “standard issue spring” for the area. No, I don’t recall it ever being this dismal and cold during late April. EVER.
But, Morgue, your brain is lithium riddled cottage cheese, you can’t remember to wear pants, let alone recall thirty plus spring seasons…
True that but still. It even effects my ability to write, ffs.I am not amused. I am in the dish today babysitting the shop while R is out of town helping his wife do something or other and this gray, cold rain has me ready to gargle razor blades with a Borax chaser. ‘Normal’ people find this weather a downer, so it stands to reason it would hobble someone who pretty lives in a solid depressive state sans 4 or 5 months during warm weather. (If the sun, moon, stars, and pegacorn horns align, that is.)
The prescription, for the seasonal diagnosis, at least, should be RELOCATE TO A PLACE WITH LESS SUCKY SEASONS.
But I am broke and my disability claim was granted in this shithole so I am stuck. That breeds crippling depression, knowing there’s something out there that could help, even if minimally, no big pharma or RX needed and…DENIED.
I think where I have always gone wrong in my thinking is, thinking I will be all cured leaving this stupid place because I just hate the whole area with every fiber of my being. (Honestly, when you’re driving down the street and break your neck to look, not at any men, but at a blood CAR, Camero or not, well, this place makes my brain feel like it is on life support.)
Leaving here won’t cure me. I am still going to be scorched earth hot mess but without all these ties to lousy inconsistent weather, I might have a chance of gaining equilibrium. Doc can pump me full of pharma candy, they can have me talk about my stupid feelings for a thousand years..
Does not change the weather here. No one and nothing can.
So I bob around in the depressive ocean barely keeping my head above water, and I’m too tired to keep going but my stupid mind and body keep working even though I am crying uncle…
Hard to feel anything but misery when that is your norm.
Ask me in 4 days when the forecast says the rain and gloom will be replaced, FOR ONE WHOLE DAY, with warmth and some sunlight. I might feel differently that day. Because my mental state is that tied into the stupid temperature, humidity, sunlight, etc. (And don’t think it doesn’t gall a vampire like me to have to admit sunshine is healthy for me, it really does make my head and eyes hurt but damn if it doesn’t help the mood.)
My only hope is that all of this miserable rain at least nourishes my mammoth rose bush in the yard and Monster (yes, her name is Monster) starts growing pretty for me again.
Pegacorn knows the rain has been nothing but toxic for my mental health and functionality, let there be some good come out of it.
So today was the awards ceremony for the school for seniors. My middle one got two awards that were a surprise to me–one MS Scholars Award and a BHS Citizenship Award. Everything else I already knew about–STAR Student from yesterday, etc. But she really was rewarded for all her hard work over the past few years.
Cleaned up this morning before I went–had Candy and Christy out to help clean up the kitchen and den and kids’ den for the party Sunday. So we will see how it goes.
We go out to eat tonight with some friends of ours who also have a graduating senior to exchange graduation presents. SO that will be fun tonight–we’re going to a Mexican place up their way. We’ll eat late but that’s okay with them so it’s okay with us.
Going to go out and meet Bob for lunch at a pizza joint so that will be fun. Then I’ll go to the grocery store then come home and do laundry. I know I say I do laundry every day, and I really do. But I’m going to try to sort mine out completely and see if I can’t make room in my laundry room to actually work in there and clean it up this weekend. Don’t know if it will work or not, but we will see.
SO it’s been a good day so far and hope it continues that way, Hope everyone has a good weekend.
In the “What could they possibly have been thinking when they elected a petulant child to the White House” department: