Daily Archives: April 24, 2017
to run errands this morning so that’s why this post is so late today. I went and got medicine, a cutlery basket for the dishwasher, and put in a piece of my oldest one’s cross stitch work to be framed in time for her birthday. SO I was busy this morning. I also need to get something specific at the grocery store for Bob, but I can’t remember what so I am waiting for him to get home for lunch so I can ask him.
My event last Friday went very, very well. I tried to be as positive and helpful as I could with everything I said, so I hope that came across. Everyone else seemed to take the same tack so I hope it was a good event for everyone that attended. I also think I brought a sense of humor to it all with a few comments trying to lighten up the topic of spiritual practice and mental health.
I worked more on my final project for class and think I have a good essay shaping up for the end of it as well as for Creative Nonfiction magazine’s call for submissions. I’m going to hold off on sending it In to the magazine until after the residency in Columbus so I can have more eyes and ears on it to make better revisions. So we will see how that goes.
I am starting to get excited about the class upcoming in Columbus. I hope nothing goes wrong that I can’t go. I will be paying for it soon and hope that nothing derails it.
So of course,a couple of days after telling my shrink I’m sleeping better these days…I wake at 1:30 a.m., then 3:30 a.m. and I’ve been awake since in spite of 0.5 mg xanax. The weather has been shitty and I am freezing, and oh, once I turned off the furnace for the season thinking, oh,’it’s 85 degrees, why do I need to pay for heat? The damned furnace went out again.
I suppose shark week and all those rioting hormones explain why I am so uncomfortable (in pain!!!) and moody and probably even why I’m battling the sleep issue. Because it wasn’t aggro enough to spend ninety minutes trying to fall asleep. No, my scumbag brain never thinks it’s enough aggravation for me.
If you want some sunshine spewed…I’ve been writing again, even though I thought for sure last week that the whole socialization thing had wrecked it. 600 pages and counting. (Not that impressive when you consider the 1.5 line spacing.) It’s something and I will take it, though some days it’s like giving a gator a dental cleaning. I have to pull out the creativity while the chaos around me distracts and stresses me out.
The weekend brought to my attention that while I have long blamed those devil neighbor girls for making my life a living hell…I had to face the problem is actually my child. Because she made four new friends with little girls new to the trailer part and she is still driving me nuts running in and out, demanding food for them, and not being where she says she will be. She even let the devil girls mess with her brand new bike she got for Easter (my mom bought it, I don’t have that kind of money or insanity, it’s frickin’ Easter, man.)
I never thought my kid was perfect but I feel bad now for blaming the devil girls entirely. My kid is the problem. She is a follower and she will do anything for these other kids to like her and she doesn’t care how her running in and out and dragging 4 kids inside with her even when told know tears my mental balance to shreds. It’s not that she’s ‘just a little kid’. She knows right from wrong at school. I guess I have just been sleepwalking through life for so long, I didn’t instill enough fear of consequence in her for her to respect me and give a damn that her actions are driving me off the deep end.
She did her best to break me yesterday because I couldn’t find her Saturday where she said she’d be. Then she came out of the woods with this new girl and I made her come in and she was grounded yesterday for both not being where she said she would and also, disobeying me by going in the woods. And to prove what a sheeple my kid is, she is STILL trying to sway me with “Joanna Banana Socks’s parents let her play on the tree chipper!” That follower mentality just infuriates me. But I did not break yesterday, she was in the whole day and I personally turned away 4 different kids. My social butterfly needs some boundaries even if at the end of the day I want to go cry in the closet from the anxiety of her browbeating me all day.
To my credit, I did not cry. Might be the first time in months the raging hormones didn’t send me to tears.
So life is still a bowl full of worm infested rotting cherries and my shrink says I look so much better but…I don’t feel all that better. I get animated talking about being able to write again and suddenly, he thinks I’m on the road to cured.
Have I ever mentioned how over this bipolar thing I am? I want every vestige of it plucked from my brain even if it leaves me a drooling looney tune. Not like I’d notice much difference between this life and lobotomized life.
Did I mention I am also very cranky and spiteful before ten a.m.? I should not be awake at this ungodly hour. My whole day is going to be thrown off by this sleep disturbance which is going to piss me off and I will be exhausted…
That’s all it takes with bipolar. One little breeze of mood shift or heightened anxiety, and the dominoes all start falling. They don’t even fall in an awesome pattern.