Oh, Glory! The book that came with our class (I’m sure you know what class but it is Certified Ethical Hacker) is an absolute piece of shit, basically the slide-deck that the teacher uses each night for class. It’s all graphics and bullet points and no actual substance. So, I bought a book from Amazon to help me study for the certification. And the REAL grind has begun. Again. I know now what it takes to get a certification, it takes giving it your ALL. I have been reading the new book ALL DAY. I created a calendar with a schedule of how many chapters I need to finish per week and it’s fucking intense! This fucking studying is some lonely business!! I know it’s time-limited, but my feelings don’t know that. I just feel lonely and super-tired of studying and I want to do something else. I know, I know, where’s the gratitude? For this great opportunity? Well, I’ve lost it. Perspective, out the window. I need to get it back and be able to buckle down and focus and do this. Ok, Ok, I’m ahead of schedule. I had one chapter as this week’s goal and I’m on Chapter 2. I just want to be done and certified already. I need to be ok with this process. I don’t know if I have it in me to do this again. I think I need a hug.
Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar and Learning, Bipolar and Overambitious Tagged: Bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, Blogging, Certified Ethical Hacker, Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader
I’m back to feeling sleepy all the time. I almost certainly don’t want to do schoolwork or housework today. I just want to rest, stay in my housecoat all day and sleep. I need something to key up my emotional energy, Maybe I just need to ride for a while. I will have to think about that. I have been riding in the late afternoon, just before everyone gets off work. Maybe I can ride twice in a day. We will see what I end up doing.
I wonder if there’s something in particular knocking me down lately. I can’t identify anything changing except my middle one having that wreck last week and my whole life kind of getting cancelled because of it. But that’s just part of the job, I think. I should be used to it by now. And I should be glad I have the opportunity to help now because soon she won’t need me around–and that time is coming around pretty quickly, She leaves July 2 for Mississippi State University. That’s not a lot of time to organize things around here like moving her room downstairs and moving my youngest upstairs. They’ll probably actually start that project around the end of April once the middle one gets out of school.
Here’s to me staying awake the rest of the day. Hope everyone has a good rest of the week,
I want to exert control. Be in control. But I’m not. I’m caught up in this mixed manic episode for a month now. I flew into a rage so powerful and so disgusting I don’t even know who I am. How do I know what is me and what is the illness?
I am having flashes of my behavior and it is appalling. I am ashamed to have treated my husband that way. I have no excuse. It literally felt like a switch went off in my brain. One minute I was cutting vegetables and the next I was yelling and screaming. I don’t even know about what. Just lost my mind. It went on for a few hours.
Finally exhausted and crying hysterically I sat on the couch in bewilderment. What just happened? I can’t explain it because I don’t understand it. But it was enough for my husband to lose his patience w me. He was very upset, for good reason. And what did I do? Make fun of him. It truly feels like my worst self. I hope to god there is nothing worse than who I was 2 nights ago.
I was full of shame yesterday and apologized. Took responsibility for my words and actions. It was incredibly sincere regardless that I couldn’t remember all of it. Particularly how or why it started. He forgives me and asks me to move forward. Keep putting one foot in front of the other to get well.
I don’t know what I would do without him. I feel like I’m trapped in this madness trying desperately to get out. Recover. Get back to myself.