Daily Archives: April 14, 2017

Insidious Chains

What happens
when you don’t care enough
to hold your own hand?
When your very own mind
Turns on you
When the waters below
promise to cradle you
When The devil himself
promises to free you
When thoughts of the future
Only hold more pain
When in the present
You barely maintain
When secrets begin
To morph into lies
When you close the bathroom door
To put on your disguise
When you choose a shade darker
To manipulate a smile
When the laughter
Simply disappears
When 3 am comes again and again
Rendering you broken and in tears
When joy was once felt
But no longer seems to exist
When shared experiences of love
Are cast down by shame
I can tell you what happens
Hope is lost to ferocious fears
Life is not worth living
In these insidious chains


Wake-Up Calls from the Universe

    During the past week, I had an epiphany courtesy of my inner universe. The inner universe is the area comprised of mysterious brain synapses and who knows what else… Maybe subatomic bits of chocolate? I can’t type “inner universe” without thinking of Crowded House’s hypnotic song Private Universe.  Ever since the creation of my … Continue reading Wake-Up Calls from the Universe

Must start blogging

I’ve been gone a long while. Must start blogging again. Anxiety, adverse events in my family’s life, these have prevented me from writing my 2-3 posts daily. Well, I’m back. Will be on task. And I must start reading and commenting on all  the wonderful blogs of which I am a member. I simply must. This is my passion, I will not let it go. And lovely readers and friends, who have stuck by me through this difficult period, I thank you profusely. 


Good Friday

Miracles abound–my three children are sitting down and playing a board game together without arguing.  So glad for small miracles.

Taking the middle one to the doctor to get her ear checked out.  It’s been ringing and echoing ever since the accident.  SO that was Monday so I think we need to check this out.  Pray that there is no permanent damage and that it resolves as soon as possible.

I’m trying to catch a cold.  I’ve been coughing all week and my throat is sore.  I hope it goes away soon.  We’re just hanging around the house today except for the appointment and my going to check out the bike again.  THe kids are supposed to be hanging out at the house at least.  I really do hope this bike works out.  I need to lose so much weight.

I got a list of possible topics for discussion at the seminaru–it was really intriguing.  I look forward to the discussion and the entire event.   I hope I have something to contribute to it.  I don’t want to just sit there and not discuss.

I am still feeling well even with all the stress of the past week.  I hope the car is repairable and that it can be fixed relatively quickly because it’s kind of hard for  us to operate without the oldest in the house not having a car.

Pray that you all have a blessed Easter weekend and can meditate on the true meaning of it amidst the rush of the holiday.

 


Tidying Tasks

Two weeks ago I wrote about getting Support from Coworkers and how much it was helping me adjust to the job.  I’m still not adjusted.  I thought I was doing great, and then I was texting with a coworker while at work and we had a bit of a disagreement regarding whether I need to continue therapy, […]

Short Circuit

Not sure why but today was a bitch. Been a long time since the anxiety disorder ran riot and panxiety grabbed me in is jaws and shook me about like a rag doll.

All morning and all day, I felt this foreboding. Something bad coming, bad juju. Enter panic and paranoia. It had my stomach torn up. I blew off a prior commitment because my brain had me convinced leaving the house would bring something bad about.

I took a Xanax, to no true avail. I’ve been short, testy with everyone, and raised my voice too many times to count or justify. Explain, sure. When your brain is sending you misinformation and making you feel fragile enough to shatter in a thousand pieces…it is easy to spaz out and lose your cool.

Not my finest hour, today. Not a good start going into 4 days of my kid being home and all the Easter rigamarole. I am TRYING but this ninja anxiety and its throwing stars of panic attacks is just brutal.

Point for me recognizing my feelings were a distortion. Point against me, I handled it as ass trashy as possible. (Though when I got out of the shower and one of Spook’s friends decided to barge in the door while I had no pants on…)Yeah, I had every right to go off on that, you do NOT enter without knocking, ESPECIALLY when someone is telling you NO, do NOT come in. Fucking sad I gotta keep the place on max security prison lockdown to combat kids who just barge on the damned door.

All around a very bad mental health day.

I hope I feel more solid tomorrow so I can get my Easter shopping done while Spook is at mom’s. Hope, hope, hope, so hope.

Really hate anxiety disorder even more than my plethora of other dysfunctions. Anxiety is crippling and it sparks fight or flight response. I don’t like it. I’d about undergo an exorcism just to get rid of it.

Though that too would give me an anxiety attack so…fuck a duck in a bucket.