Sorry it’s been almost a month since my last blog entry, but lately several topics have crowded my brain and I can’t decide which one to write about. So I’m just going to cram all of them in this one and hopefully it’ll make sense.
I think the most important thing is the subtle change in my grief process. I am starting not to see Will around every corner or expecting him to be in the big chair in front of the TV. In other words, I’m getting used to his not being here…and while that makes me sad in a way, I also recognize it as progress. There are times I’ll think I hear him, like the other day in church when someone behind me coughed just like he used to and the time my son Ethan came out of his room wearing a striped shirt and I thought for an instant that he was Will. But otherwise, I’m beginning to let go of the idea that he’ll come back if I only pray hard enough.
I’ve been thinking about sex a lot lately. It’s a torment because there is absolutely NOTHING I can do about it, and the prospect of living the rest of my life without it is not a happy one. Almost daily I have daydreams about the times when we were young and made like bunnies at every opportunity. Lovemaking sessions got to be few and far between in the later years, but we never stopped being attracted to each other and there was plenty of satisfaction in just being together. That’s the wonderful part of a long marriage…things inevitably change, but it’s the small miracles of everyday life that make you happy and content.
Speaking of small miracles, I’m getting around more easily these days. I’ve now lost 72 lbs. and yesterday I walked for approximately 45 minutes around an outdoor shopping outlet. I’m not fast and I certainly can’t do as much as I should, but it, too, is progress. It hasn’t been too long since I avoided going in the grocery store because I got out of breath just hanging on to a shopping cart. My family and I were out shopping for our December trip, and Clark bought me two pairs of shoes. He spoils me rotten, I tell you. I’m having a tough time with clothes, though, because almost everything I got last year is too big for me now, and I’m between pants sizes so I really can’t justify buying any. It’s OK, there’s plenty of time to do it and I expect to be at least one size smaller by midsummer so I don’t really want to buy anything now. Actually, I have plenty of clothes, but my son-in-law insists I need new stuff for the trip. And no Walmart specials, either!
I am SO looking forward to this vacation. I have to make myself stop thinking about it because it is still so far away, but I’m ready to go yesterday. I especially can’t wait till we go to Disney World, where I’ve never been before. We’ll be there on Christmas Day and for a week after, and Clark says there’ll be about a zillion lights and fireworks and other visual and musical delights. We’re also going to go to Universal Studios to finish out this grand adventure. Do I live a charmed life, or what?
I’ve been spending a little too much $$ lately, although the purchase of a new computer was a necessity because my old one died and I couldn’t fix it. This wiped out my reserves and now I really will have to live within my means. I’ve gotten pretty good at that, however, which is ironic because when I had money, I couldn’t save a dime; now that I don’t have any, I manage it beautifully. I have one credit card with a low credit limit, and I pay it in full each month to avoid interest charges. I pay my bills, I pay my rent, and I pay my student loans. Why couldn’t I have figured all this out when I was well off?
There’s more, but I’ve rambled on long enough. I have an appointment with Dr. Goodenough tomorrow and I’m sure that will provide even more to talk about. Thanks for bearing with me, folks.