Monthly Archives: March 2017

Sick Again

Now the youngest is down with something again. I’m taking her to the doctor in case it’s strep throat.   Which she shouldn’t be getting any more since her tonsils and adenoids are out.  But she’s hot to the touch and her stomach feels icky, and that’s how all my kids manifest strep. So we have an appointment in about an hour.

Finished up all the schoolwork last night by writing my final workshop critique,  I have a piece being workshopped next week so we will see how that goes.  WE’re getting so close to the end of the semester.  I need to work on my final essay and get it in shape, but I’m still a little frozen up about approaching it.  I may just wait until the last minute and do it so I can’t over think it.  But we will see.  I’ve got a month still to work on it.

Talked to several people and asked for prayer about the mental health panel I’m going to be on in April.  Talked to my friend Betsy at church last night, my church counselor   Michelle, and my pastor about it.  Asked them to pray that I will be positive and not negative about the topic and say whatever needs to be said.

So everyone have a good weekend!

 


Bipolar Disorder And Memory Loss

Originally posted on My Brain Has Hiccups:
Many people with bipolar disorder are extremely bright so memory or other thinking problems can be extremely frustrating and confusing. I’ve never needed…

Dangerous Beads and Other Distractions

Bronchitis: Start of Week 4

Sometimes I wonder if the total of my existence is a practice in patience.  The Art of Waiting.  The Zen of Dealing in the Now.  I get so many opportunities.

Anyhoo, this is what I’m up to while I wait for my lungs to clear and my voice to come back.

I found a British detective series at the library starring the 5th Doctor Who (Peter Davison). “Dangerous” Davies is literally the Last Detective his boss would send on a case.  He’s a milquetoast, a butt of all jokes, a kind and gentle copper in a department full of cynical creeps.  I loved it.

I always need something to do at my craft table when I’m sick.  Luckily, the birthday present I made for my therapist took a wrong turn, and I had to rethink it. I’ve been sewing beads for six days now, which is a perfect, mindless activity for a head full of snot.  And I like where the piece is heading.

Before I got croupy, I’d cut squares for a quilted wall hanging.  A friend, who works at a paint/flooring shop, gave me all their upholstery sample books last summer, and I pulled out bits I thought might look nice in my bedroom.  I used a very old scarf of my grandma’s as a focus and built the progression of squares around that.  In my infirmary, I’ve sewn the top together, layered it with batting and a back, and am now ready to start quilting.  I think it will look lovely on my wall.

I’m not journaling much, but I did try something new.  I’ve shifted from paint to organic stuff that stains.  Organics like tea and spices are subtle and leave the paper soft.  Coffee is my favorite.  I make a pot, then take the filter full of wet grounds and scrub it over the paper.  The thin filter eventually ruptures and I leave the scattered grounds on the paper all day.  Sometimes I add a few drops of ink to the grounds for subtle color.

This time I sprinkled sea salt on top and spritzed the pages with water just to see what would happen.  I’m sorta loving the result.

Taking a shower may still zap all my energy, and trying to talk gives me a headache, but I’m doing stuff, which makes me feel less like a zombie.  And it makes waiting so much easier.


More Dangerous Than Ever

I deal with suicidal thoughts often. This is something that goes beyond well documented on this page. Suicidal ideation is something I have experienced since I was a little child. It is a common expression of Bipolar, and it is almost never dangerous. Sidebar: I have talked about this at length in the past so […]

Diversity Day Information

So I got to talk to the doctor organizing Diversity Day at University Medical Center and the panel I will be speaking on.  We had a very good conversation about the objective of the panel and who all would be involved with the conference.  It’s for psychology interns who deal with the mentally ill as well as for anyone who wants to minister to the mentally ill.  He asked for my resume so I sent it along and then sent a message with some personal information, including my diagnoses,  etc.  I feel really good about being involved in this event and hope I can make a positive impact on the audience and the panel members.

I hope my recovery holds together through then because I so want to make a good impression for the sake of the people I will be representing.  I want people’s preconceived notions of the mentally ill to be upended by me and to show how a Christian handles mental illness.  So we will see what happens.

 

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Ambient Noise

Day 5 of my kid being home for spring break. I’m ready to rip out my eardrums. She never shuts up. The.Noise.Never.Stops. I am not equipped for days on end of a barrage of constant babble, questions, and demands. Am I the worst mother ever? Could be. I just don’t see why ANYONE needs to fill every moment with chatter. And no matter how many talks I have with her about giving me a few minutes quiet…It does no good. Trying to write with her home, at least before she finally goes to sleep around 10, has proven damn near impossible. I can’t watch a 22 minute TV show without ten interruptions, let alone focus enough to write.

And I try to include her because we have certain shows we both like. Big Bang Theory, The Middle, Superstore. 20 minute shows (if that) and she says she wants to watch but still…Constant jabbering. In her room alone with the droid? Still, constant noise. There is not a single place I can go where I can’t hear her noise. And throw in the neighor’s “put out 5 times daily” barking dog that sounds like something the band Goatwhore would put out…

ARGHHH.

I try to give my kid some leeway because it’s not her fault her mom’s super sensitive to noise. But there comes a time when even the most patient adult would beg for ten seconds of silence.

It hasn’t helped that it’s been gray, cold, and rainy all week. Can’t have her play outside, can’t take her to the park to run off the hyperactivity…just trapped indoors. And the weather has made my mood pretty low even if I have managed to do a little writing and housework. I just feel embalmed, and my demanding needy child makes it worse.

I am sure I sound monstrous. I don’t care. I want the world to grasp what life as a single parent with a chemical imbalance is like. If you want well rested shiny happy “children are the future, worship at the alter of the snowflakes” you’re screwed. And if other parents, even chemically balanced ones, were willing to be honest, they’d probably admit…They too get worn down by the noise and demands and never getting any credit or thanks. And sometimes even downright derision.

Earlier when I asked my kid why she constantly makes noise for me  but the school says she is so quiet…And she said, “Well, they’re working, they need me to be quiet.”

Low blow from a 7 year old and not the first time she’s made reference to me not working.

Like I don’t feel shitty enough.

Earlier I was thinking, 5 more days and she will go back to school. Except they have spring break this week and in two weeks, they will have 4 days’ Easter break. I’m really not getting much of a break prior to school getting out.

It pisses me off because my writing cycles have ALWAYS gone from fall to spring. Now I am just starting in spring which means I could write all summer except I will have interrupting cow home 7 days a week. (No, I am not calling my child a cow, I just like the old kid’s joke.)

“Why have a child if all you do is complain about the noise?” I am sure some will ask.

Honestly, I never saw myself ending up with such an extroverted talkative child. I mean, hello? If genetics don’t count, what about nurture? I thought if nothing else she’d learn to converse only when necessary by nurture.

I love my child. I am happy she is nothing like me because as comfy as I get in my little bubble…It can be a lonely place at times. And not lonely in the sense I want a crowd around me, but lonely because I’m not even equipped to reach out to one person when I need to lean on someone.  I did it in the past only to land on my face and now, I can’t do it at all. I was cripple by those face plants.

It’s good my kid is nothing like me to an extent.

Sometimes, I wish she had a better mother who would delight in the noise.

Of course, it cuts both ways cos I could, at times, stand a child to be introverted and quiet.

We don’t get what we want or what we can handle. It is what it is.

Complaining about your kid is not the worst you can do.

Abandoning them to make your life simpler is the worst you can do.


Rambling about the past few months

The doctors don’t want me on so much prednisone, so they cut it down quite a bit and I ended up with all my skin falling off and a full-body staph infection in October. That stressed me out quite a bit. They also tend to want me to jump through various hoops just to get my pills, which, in addition to keeping the skin under control, also keep me alive since I have adrenal insufficiency. This stresses me out even more.

In theory, I’d be happy to be on less prednisone. As I mentioned to my therapist, when I still had one, I feel like I am intoxicated on drugs 24 hours a day. Part of this is due to the meds exacerbating the mania, but part of it is just the drugs themselves. The beauty of recreational “fun” drugs like LSD and pot is that you can enjoy them a while, and then eventually they wear off and you can go back to your normal life and your normal functioning without any impairment. While corticosteroids are not “fun” drugs, the brainfog and the feeling of impairment is real obstacle that stresses me out and ruins my life every single day.

In addition to that, there is a feeling of doom hanging over me at all times, and a disconnect from the rest of humanity. In general, I feel like there is no way out of my situation and things will just continue to get worse until I eventually drop dead. I have been in such a godawful place psychologically that not only am I unable to talk about it with people, I can’t even type anything about it here. I can’t even easily work through it inside my head because I feel like I should just wallow in the brainfog and denial because I don’t want to face my own thoughts.

I have reduced my stress somewhat by not looking at my Facebook newsfeed anymore (I have a few groups I look at and maintain bookmarked, but for now, I am not looking at my newsfeed for any reason. Until I am less stressed out by it.) I am not deactivating, but I have also made two accounts, one for family and one for nonfamily. All of this makes Facebook a less threatening place for me, and I don’t think it should be a cause of stress.

Other than that, I just finished a huge work project and may take a few days off from work to do things like watch movies and read books.

I Don’t Know. . .

what to write today.  I don’t really have any news to report–I got up and saw Candy and Christy this morning and went to lunch with Mary Jane at Cazuela in Jackson.   We had a good talk about what all is going on in our lives and what all we’re doing.   I wrote up my essay response this morning so I haven’t been a complete slug today.  I need to do my workshop stuff though and that’s going to be difficult since one is about a brutal murder in the author’s family.  Hard stuff to read and to comment on.

I am proud in that we had a bad, bad storm out last night and I didn’t freak out like usual.  Maybe I’m just getting better and better all the time.  I hope that’s a good sign. It was just a lot of rain and wind, but it didn’t upset me like they used to do.  Maybe I’m finally getting over all of that.  It’s taken long enough.

I can’t believe March has flown by so fast.  A few days still to the end of March, but it hasn’t taken long at all to pass.   I wonder if it’s because I’m finally filling my days with living instead of sleeping it away like I used to.

Hope everyone’s week started off well.

 

 

 

 


Screening Mammography – A Little Squeeze Goes A Long Way

Okay, this subject might be a little uncomfortable for my male readers but it shouldn’t be. It is no different to a prostate exam. Both are a little uncomfortable but very important to keep us all healthy. Today was my … Continue reading

Upcoming Week

So we went to the dance competition and the girls did well.   They won a bunch of trophies and plaques and pins so their teachers were happy.  I did go backstage to help Rachel with her hair to change it for the next dance and the dance teacher watched me for a minute and then said, “Just let me do it.”  SO I’m not going backstage again.  I know when I’m not wanted.

Today I have advising with my program director about this summer and next semester.  I’m going to sign up for the long residency this summer and the Forms in Fiction II class this fall.  So that is my plan unless my professor objects to it for some reason.  And I c an’t imagine why he would.

THen I go out to lunch with Bob today and MJ tomorrow.  Rachel was selected for a special trip next summer through the school for going to Washington DC and New York, and we have an informational meeting Tuesday night.  SO I will likely go to that.  Then church on Wednesday and I’m not sure we have anything else planned for the rest of the week.  We will see.

I was really proud that I handled the weekend okay.  I didn’t take Xanax and I didn’t fly off the handle at anybody, even the dance teacher.  I’m learning how to cope better with stress, I suppose. I’m certainly trying to.  Prayer is effective in this as well.  Keeps me from getting too anxious.

Hope everyone has a good week this week.