Daily Archives: March 10, 2017

Silent Suffering

Silent suffering
I walk through the motions
I smile when it seems appropriate
Yet, i feel nothing
The atmosphere in my mind is complete chaos
Voices yelling
Critics in an uproar
Yet, i walk softly
Slow and soft
No footprints can be seen
I don’t feel like i exist
Perhaps I’m just a ghost roaming about
I watched my feet walk a labyrinth today
Weaving in and out of the stone path
Unstructured structure
Wandering but not lost
An entrance and an exit
Leading me not to salvation
But reminders to breathe
Each conscious step
Filling my lungs
Not of expectation
But forgiveness and grace


Struggling

Struggling. Brain seems to have shut down. No bright ideas, no strong opinions. Just a nothingness, a confusion, a desolation. Is this anxiety, is it depression? Perhaps, I don’t know, all I know is it’s not me and it doesn’t feel good. I think part of it is the awful political climate, everyday I feel battered by the things coming out of DC.Totally  disagreeble yet out of my control. The people who tried to stop Hitlet in the resistance, they were amazing, they were heroes! Do we have those within us? 

Anyway, it’s not all political, it’s just a mood that’s descended upon me. Worry, dejection, some hopelessness, stress, silence. A heavy weight sitting on my chest. Again not living a life. 


Early Morning

So it’s another early morning for me.  I am getting my oil changed this morning and am typing at the oil change place.  SO I am awake and sleepy at the same time.

I typed up my critiques for workshop and am so grateful that the people understood where I was coming from.  One found her way to tell me that everything was fine and that she was wondering who would  ask her the hard questions she had about the piece herself.   SO I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop and see what the other girl ahs to say.  But having it done  is such a burden off of me; I am so glad I found the space to tell my truth about each piece.

I talked to the newspaper and they want to set up an appointment for me to get my  picture taken for the op-ed next week.  I just hope the piece runs before the legislature gets out of session so it can do some good.  That’s all I really want my story out for is to do some good.

It’s raining this morning but still warm.  We will see how the weekend goes; I hope the forecast is wrong and we have good weather for the games. I’m so looking forward to them.  I miss baseball.

 

 

 

Guest Blog – Confessions Of A Reborn Girl

I am taking a little health leave this weekend and I am very honored to have a young woman whom I met through our blogs to guest post for me. Her story would be a heartbreaking one if it wasn’t … Continue reading

Suckage de Jour

Was today any better than yesterday? NOPE.

For a couple 0f weeks I’ve noticed the car brakes acting all loud and funky but my idget father insisted the owners from the auction they bought it at said it had new brakes thus I am an insane…

Had R take Aubrey (my car’s unisex name,as it is neither male nor female but both according to what swear words I want to use) and he declared THE FRONT BRAKES ARE ONE STEP FROM ME DRIVING INTO A WALL OR PERSON OR WHATEVER.

I’ve not said a word to my idiot father on the matter though I really DO want to tell him…Ha ha ha, I was not being histrionic or making shit up!

The plus side is helping R out the last couple of days meant he paid for the new front brake pads and is going to replace them as soon as his menopausal moody wife stops breaking his balls. Til then, I am basically grounded tho I gotta chance taking my kid to and from school, which if I am uber careful…I think Aubrey can do it.

One hopes.

It’s just like, replace one thing, another thing fails and I am like CAN I NOT CATCH A FUCKING BREAK???

Then I feel all guilty and like a spoiled brat cos ya know, even new cars have the occasional breakdown or failure. But noooo…I get stuck drowning in the guilt of the car failing AGAIN and knowing I rely on R to fix it yet his marital drama means it could be days without me being able to safely drive….PFFT. Nothing like being grounded to remind you…traffic may freak you out and you hate it and feel like you are losing your mind trying to keep up…NOT being able to do anything sucks even more.

Not to mention my kid has been mini devil this week with the tantrums, mouthing off and hitting me.

I need a break desperately but knowing how my family caters to her every whim…NOPE. Denied. She will not get a sleepover or even a lunch outing with any of them til she learns to respect me and shut her mouth. If she can do it at school and not disrespect family…then she can damn well learn to show me some respect. In spite of my mental issues and financial constraints, I have been here for her EVERY single day since she was born. Could the sperm donor say the same? Hell fucking no. Because he can hold a job and be in a managerial position and that makes him fucking perfect yet 80% of the people who work with him can’t stand him.

Is it important to maintain employment and do a good job? SURE.

BUT if your only consistent successful personality trait/ability is to hold a job and show more loyalty to an employer/boss than your own flesh and blood child…I find that repugnant, wrong or right.

Digressing…I did have to use R’s two seater ’85 car (to go fetch new brakepads,etc), which sits so low I coulda fallen on my bare ass and not gotten a scratch but…daytime driving is better for me. After dark, it’s just anxiety and feeling blind. Daytime, tho, means I am freaking out cos of the multiple lanes of traffic and people weaving in and out of lanes and IDGETS crossing the road like fucking Frogger….

Driving panic has gotten so bad 80% of time (even without possibly lethal failing car parts) that I have hyperventilated and panicked more in the last month than I did for 5 months.

So much suckage. My kingdom for a brain that behaves and is balanced. Yes, we all have stress, baggage, stuff goes wrong…But it makes a HUGE difference when your mind perceives it all logically rather than viewing it all as an incoming rocket hit.

Far as I know, I won’t have to go stress out and fake human interaction as Mrs. R returned home from her job this weekend so she will juggle and such to entertain Mr. R. (Probably make sure we are stuck at home for 5 days without working brakes,too) but….Maybe I can wash bedding and get caught up on a few things tomorrow. Provided I can deliver my kid to school without total brake failure.

Sixty five degrees today. Supposedly low 20’s and snow this weekend. So much for the seasonal affect lifting any time soon.

I know this post is disjointed and FUBAR and possibly not making any sense but…this is my reality. THIS is why every time some well meaning folk say something stupid like :you’re too intelligent to not be gainfully employed…I just wanna punch them with a dead rotting mackerel. FIND me a job that can work around my depressive inertia, my unable to breathe panics, my forgetfulness, my inability to work under pressure and succeed on a time table…No job like that available?

YEP. Intelligence and mental health disorders have zilch to do with each other.

Smart doesn’t mean you can wish away the bad chemicals, hormones, fight or flight hormonal urges…

It just means you’ve lived another day to feign a will to live.

I am personally tired of faking it.

Problem is…bipolar depression gives less than zero fucks.

On that note…Bedtime. I used to manage 45 minutes awake before dispatching my kid to school For 6 months now, I hit snooze until the last minute we have to get out the door…NOT my norm. Meds aren’t working magic.

Don’t see shrink til next month.

So I will hang on, even if using a hammer to embed in the cliffside and hang from it….

I have to do right by my kid, best that I can, so there is no choice, no option of walking away…Any parent who can walk away and not make an effort to see their kid for 6 years…

Money, no money, health insurance or not for her…

Abandoning your kids, especially all 3, makes you scum even if corporate America promotes you to saintly managerial employee of the century.

It’s not even bitterness, it’s just right from wrong. And if my twonky brain can take care of a kid and cats and keep her shit together in spite of it all…Well, may be I am unemployable but…

I am a twonky devoted mom to my kid and I will NEVER give up on her even if she tries to Z-whack me.

Love is a dangerous drug you cannot withdraw from or quit cold turkey, provided you have a conscience and a soul.

Makes me think how far my career might have gone had I been lacking both and been willing to throw any living creature under the bus for my own benefit…

I don’t wanna know.

Conscience and a soul cannot have a price tag placed on them.

And even if I am wonky….I’ve not once bailed out on my kid to ease my own stress or ‘improve’ my life quality.

Doesn’t make me a saint, just means…in spite of the bad coding in my brain…

My heart is in the right place and I truly care for my child.

I’ll not ever apologize for that.