I knew it was coming. The ten days prior to shark week where I get a steroidal enhanced Terminator case of premenstrual dysphoria. Last week I punched a car stereo. Yesterday I went rage monster of stupid shit and then spent my entire evening bawling…and not knowing why or able to stop the tears. The spigot handle was broken and out they came and of course, R popped over cos our furnace went out again and there I am, tears pouring down my face as I have a humiliating meltdown, again…
To his credit he was actually pretty kind and supportive rather than his usual “get me the hell away from this bundle of emotional messiness”. And he did get the heat going, tho no idea how long that will last.
It took me two hours after he left to calm down. My kid was no help. Five hours of constant babble and no matter how softly, kindly, firmly I asked her to give me some space as I was feeling bad…She just kept coming at me. Even R lost patience and told her to be quiet, which sent her to sit against her bedroom door sobbing and pouting. Because yea, she’s the victim. Ten polite warnings before an adult finally draws the line is unfair.
Today I woke and was irked I even woke. Cramps. General lack of energy, moodiness, feeling raw and hungover from last night’s tear-a-palooza. Feeling ashamed and humiliated.
I got four hours of her and the devil girls playing outside, running in and out and my panxiety was devouring me yet again but I TRIED to keep my cool…I was relieved (shamefully so) when my mom said to bring her by for a sleepover there. Then I went to drop her off and I didn’t like the dismissive way or tone my kid spoke to me so I corrected her and mom went ballistic. I tried to explain, I am PMSing maybe I took it wrong, but but but…Nope. My mom thinks even menstrual dysphoria is my own fault because she never had it. (Sis and I inherited it from paternal grandmother.) Never can I visit my mom even 5 minutes without her making me feel like a monster.
And I know she is full of crap and venom.
Menstrual dysphoria mixed in with rampaging anxiety and a depression that’s lingering overhead…it all gives zero fucks about logic. FEELINGS are all that count and right now I am so super sensitive I feel hurt for feeling hurt.
This is not something anyone can understand unless they suffer it every month or have gone through pregnancy and or menopause. This out of control, can’t turn off anger or tears feeling…
Makes me want to drink Drano.
I did okay earlier this week. I was being a rock for R to lean on.
And because my uterus has to shed its lining every month, now I am a blubbering mess filled with shake and humiliation, which will eventually pass….only to relive it next month again.
Well, here it is Friday night, I am kid free, and the chihuahua is texting me to look up a part. Drano looks more and more appealing.
Ask me next week and I will swear you are lying about me being this hormonal tearful illogical mess.
I suddenly feel sorry for people who suffer demonic possession. Or is that just a synonym for mental health disorders and menstrual dysphoria?
Refer me to an exorcist, please.