Daily Archives: February 17, 2017

Hormonal Meltdown Hangover

I knew it was coming. The ten days prior to shark week where I get a steroidal enhanced Terminator case of premenstrual dysphoria. Last week I punched a car stereo. Yesterday I went rage monster of stupid shit and then spent my entire evening bawling…and not knowing why or able to stop the tears. The spigot handle was broken and out they came and of course, R popped over cos our furnace went out again and there I am, tears pouring down my face as I have a humiliating meltdown, again…

To his credit he was actually pretty kind and supportive rather than his usual “get me the hell away from this bundle of emotional messiness”. And he did get the heat going, tho no idea how long that will last.

It took me two hours after he left to calm down. My kid was no help. Five hours of constant babble and no matter how softly, kindly, firmly I asked her to give me some space as I was feeling bad…She just kept coming at me. Even R lost patience and told her to be quiet, which sent her to sit against her  bedroom door sobbing and pouting. Because yea, she’s the victim. Ten polite warnings before an adult finally draws the line is unfair.

Today I woke and was irked I even woke. Cramps. General lack of energy, moodiness, feeling raw and hungover from last night’s tear-a-palooza. Feeling ashamed and humiliated.

I got four hours of her and the devil girls playing outside, running in and out and my panxiety was devouring me yet again but I TRIED to keep my cool…I was relieved (shamefully so) when my mom said to bring her by for a sleepover there. Then I went to drop her off and I didn’t like the dismissive way or tone my kid spoke to me so I corrected her and mom went ballistic. I tried to explain, I am PMSing maybe I took it wrong, but but but…Nope. My mom thinks even menstrual dysphoria is my own fault because she never had it. (Sis and I inherited it from paternal grandmother.) Never can I visit my mom even 5 minutes without her making me feel like a monster.

And I know she is full of crap and venom.

Menstrual dysphoria mixed in with rampaging anxiety and a depression that’s lingering overhead…it all gives zero fucks about logic. FEELINGS are all that count and right now I am so super sensitive I feel hurt for feeling hurt.

This is not something anyone can understand unless they suffer it every month or have gone through pregnancy and or menopause. This out of control, can’t turn off anger or tears feeling…

Makes me want to drink Drano.

I did okay earlier this week. I was being a rock for R to lean on.

And because my uterus has to shed its lining every month, now I am a blubbering mess filled with shake and humiliation, which will eventually pass….only to relive it next month again.

Well, here it is Friday night, I am kid free, and the chihuahua is texting me to look up a part. Drano looks more and more appealing.

Ask me next week and I will swear you are lying about me being this hormonal tearful illogical mess.

I suddenly feel sorry for people who suffer demonic possession. Or is that just a synonym for mental health disorders and menstrual dysphoria?

Refer me to an exorcist, please.


Went Out Today

Today I walked round our block catching Pokemon and talking with my husband. I also went to Walmart and did grocery shopping. I haven’t felt like writing or really doing anything at all so there have been no real accomplishments except going on living.

Today I am just sitting back relaxing listening to tunes and smoking green.

The depression has been weighing on me quite a bit lately. I really think I need to set an alarm for blogging again. Ya I think I will, if I remember.. hehe.

I hope to be returning back to writing daily soon.


Went Out Today

Today I walked round our block catching Pokemon and talking with my husband. I also went to Walmart and did grocery shopping. I haven’t felt like writing or really doing anything at all so there have been no real accomplishments except going on living.

Today I am just sitting back relaxing listening to tunes and smoking green.

The depression has been weighing on me quite a bit lately. I really think I need to set an alarm for blogging again. Ya I think I will, if I remember.. hehe.

I hope to be returning back to writing daily soon.


The Evolution of a Book Cover/Update

  Welcome and Happy Freaky Friday, my friends! I’m writing this post in a zombie-like state. (Now, before some of you comment, “That’s nothing new,” please hear me out.)   I met my editing deadline on Wednesday night, and I swear I felt like I had a baby. I’ve never worked that hard on something before, … Continue reading The Evolution of a Book Cover/Update

“OCD” – An Oral Poem By Neil Hilborn

In my effort to fight the stigma of chronic illness, I am always looking for examples of how it affects both the person with the illness and those around them. In my effort to fight the stigma of chronic illness, I am … Continue reading

Back to Work

Bob finally got to go back to work today–he is still on a soft diet but he felt strong enough to go to the office, so I didn’t stop him.  I’ve been puttering around the house and all–I’ll soon go to the grocery store and see what I can figure out for dinner tonight for him that won’t hurt him.

Had a conference last night and it went well. I was cut off right at the end–the wifi just cut out.  But they said I didn’t miss anything so that is good.  WE talked for about an hour plus 15 minutes so it didn’t take up a lot of time.   It was nice to finally be able to put a voice to the words I’ve been reading from the new people.

I slept in this morning–not sure why. I had some intense dreams last night, but they didn’t wake me up that I know of so I don’t know why I couldn’t get moving this morning.  My mom was screaming at me about cleaning in my dreams, and I was screaming back that she couldn’t make me do anything.  I have a lot of those kinds of dreams.  I don’t know what they mean.    But I feel pretty good otherwise today so that is a blessing.

 


Daily Prompt – “Squat”

So, I decided I needed to lighten things up here. Lately being me has been very serious and solemn. So, how did I do that? By going over and finding today’s daily word prompt, “squat”. Remember, this is my foray … Continue reading