Daily Archives: January 27, 2017

Zombie Shamble Got Nothing on Depressive Shuffle

I am the walking dead, minus violence and a desire to eat flesh and such. Five mornings straight this week I have gotten my kid to school only to come home and…go back to sleep… THEN feel shitty for napping because, dammit, I am A BADASS, this is beneath me. I’ve not done this week long nap shit even when the donor abandoned us nor when I had the crippling depression for seven months or even two weeks of flubola…

I can’t begin to explain it. Wellbutrin mixed with all the other meds? Cos that is the only difference in me staying  nap free for years and now suddenly napping 5 days straight. Is it the 99% cold and midwest gloom (which we are facing another week of). Is it the fact I am up and down all night for whatever reasons even when my kid sleeps through (2 out of 7 days) this week?

To add to feeling super shitty about it, I kinda flaked out on planned lunch with R yesterday til last minute cos…my body was in deep nap mode. Today I was to be at the shop at 10 so I could earn smoke money but…I didn’t get there til 12:15. He was unamused.  As was I because I did set an alarm and somehow, my phone got muted so no sound…

To my credit, even tho I was mega late to get there…I had every single thing on the list done in an under an hour.  Because while I like smoke breaks and a  bit of youtube ‘i like this’ sharing…my end game is always to get there, get shit done, get back to my safe bubble. I am not half assing anything, I am just…more focused on getting it done than say, R, is.

Tis been one of those weeks where his missus is out of town working so he invited himself over 3 nights straight. I wasn’t enthused (depression laughs at enthusiasm) but we did watch Flash/Legends/Arrow together. Then he introduced me to a movie called Silent Hill which was pretty cool. SO while every fiber of my being wants to bitch slap the world at large and retreat within myself…I am making the effort to socialize even if…hell, for all I know, that may be what makes me so exhausted thus causing the daily naps.

I got to looking at R’s past emails for the month for part orders,etc, and it hit me…JANUARY NEVER ENDS. Seriously, the print out I did for him for a service repair only came in on the 12th…and it feels like weeks and months later and we aren’t even out of January.

Which to most may seem like, huh, big deal. But from seasonal depression and finding the bright side, ya know, when seasons change…It feels like a lifetime away even if only a few weeks. I thought the no heat thing was the worst, and oh, it was grueling, but now we are roasty toasty…But it doesn’t change the fact it is still cold outside and 99% of the days have been gray and gloomy. While black and gray may be my favorite colors to wear…It does shit for mood. I NEED the season change…

This lethargy and shuffling about trying to be normal and smile and laugh is exhausting. If the disability people were to ever want to question my family and friends, I’d probably be screwed. Because no matter how open and honest I am, they only hear what makes them comfortable. HEY, SHE LAUGHED AT A JOKE. Hey, she put on eyeliner and came to dinner.

There are no words to describe how much it takes out of me to paste on that facade, all in the name of being “normal” and not making others uncomfortable. Soul sucking seems an apt description, as I am sure many of you can relate to. We fake it, but that’s all it is. FAKE. Our struggle and pain are very real but we live in a world too weak to deal with that. To the masses mental health issues are akin to “mentally disabled”, as if we are lacking in intelligence or basic skills to survive life. The truth is… a huge percentage of “mentally disabled” people with bipolar, depression, schizophrenia, et al…are hugely intelligent. Our brains simply don’t process and produce the same results as non chemically altered brains.\

It is frustrating to the nth. I see my shrink Monday and while I think the Wellbutrin is a good start..I am still going to have to contend with his “why won’t you do the counseling clinic” and also, his last comment about how being on disability is “the new norm”, like I am hindering my own progress cos this is somehow more comfortable. I told R earlier, when he was on a rant about how those of us on disability/food stamps/Medicare/Medicade are all government minions kissing the government ring to get “free stuff”.\

I told him flat out, “Losing your self esteem is not getting anything for free, it costs more than you could ever comprehend.”

Not to mention, with all his Trump crumpeting…he, too, is just a minion, whether he realizes it or faces it. His small business is struggling and paying more taxes than it should because he, too, is at their mercy.

I guess being called a government minion got under my skin. Because other than abide by the rules for disability such as seeing my doc, seeing their doc for review…I am not kissing up or selling out. I am living my truth and others see it…So if I don;t qualify for legally entitled disability and such..I should be given an Oscar for fooling dozens of people. All of whom only need read this blog to comprehend I am faking nothing.

Now…I had to wait an hour because my “Obama phone” aka Safelink had no service so I couldn’t even call to see if my kid could have a sleepover with my mom…but service is up so now i can. Thank Pegacorn neither of us were bleeding out cos no service is kinda…unreliable. Shall we fire Tracfone?

Just to prove I have kept an iota of humor about me…I saw a couple things around town this week that made me smile so I had to take pics.

One…I luuuurve (damn you, Sass, for introducing me to that term lurve!) the Serta counting sheep and this display window just beckoned for a camera…

0126171257-00Then this beautifully yet warped random gem driving by, cos my sis was a huge Cabbage Patch Doll fan and I find them creepy to this day…

dollHow can you not admire someone nailing a naked cabbage patch doll to a phone pole????

Also…how attached are you to your internet name? In my case…This is on my bedroom wall.

morgueLast but not least…my daughter’s rendition of a skull cup you can drink from AND plug into a wall as a lamp.

demon-cup

Depression is kicking my ass, making me narcoleptic and grumpy but…the humerus (ha ha ha) is still working.


A Noise I’ll Never Forget…

Photos courtesy of the Santa Cruz Puma Project   Today at 3:00 a.m., I woke up and realized I left something important in my car. I needed to get it, so I walked up the path that leads to our driveway. It was pitch black outside and brrrrrrrrrr…cold!!!! On my way to my car, I … Continue reading A Noise I’ll Never Forget…

Asinine Coaches, Mountain Lions & My Inner Animal: MAMA BEAR

Images courtesy of the local Santa Cruz Puma Project Warning: Potty language..lots of it. It all started with a sixth-grade volleyball team. Yes, an extracurricular volleyball team at my kid’s public school. When I was in sixth grade, we only had P.E. during school, and everyone was included. On Monday and Tuesday afternoon, my sweet eleven-year-old … Continue reading Asinine Coaches, Mountain Lions & My Inner Animal: MAMA BEAR

The price of pink feet

I was raised in a typical coloured household. You don’t complain about the hand you have been dealt and you make do with what you have.  Even though my parents […]

Time to Talk Mental Illness

It’s hard to believe it is 2017!  I am not sure where the time has gone, but I do know after all these years of living with the stigma of mental illness it is for sure past time we talk about it.  There are so many anti-stigma efforts and I do feel like we are moving the needle some, but it is not enough.  And from my perspective it is not happening fast, it is a slow drip-drip-drip.

I never thought I would have to live with some illness called bipolar disorder that many people really did not understand and if you said you had a manic episode they really would not know what you meant.  Really I wasn’t sure what it meant for many years, until I studied it so much so I could manage it.  In reality, everyone with bipolar disorder experiences it a little bit differently.  Clusters of symptoms may be the same, but how we behave and handle our illnesses are generally not a carbon copy of it.

We have to talk about mental illness because quite frankly it is so complicated it is hard to understand.  Some illnesses are easier than others but I would argue for even the people who have anxiety disorders they will find not everyone understands how debilitating that can be.  Many people believe you should just be able to take a pill and “get over it.”

With 1 in 5 Americans living with a mental illness that equates to about 20% of the populations.  Yes, there are far less of us who have severe mental illness like bipolar disorder, major depression and schizophrenia, but we still represent million of people.  This really means that everyone knows someone who has a mental illness…and if you think you don’t it is probably simply because they don’t talk about it.

I want you to ask yourself the question, “If I found out my best friend had been struggling with severe depression for years, would that change how I felt about them?”  What about if you found out your sister had been struggling with postpartum depression with psychotic features would you know what that meant?     How about your boss at work who seems to have major mood swings between being very gregarious and not talking at all.  What do you say?  What do you do?

If we don’t talk about mental illness we will continue to find ourselves in these socially awkward situations where we don’t know how to react or what to say.  Granted it is not as bad as it used to be, but it could be a lot better.

Of course I don’t believe everyone should write a blog or a book about their struggles with mental illness.  But I do believe people should not have to be afraid to tell others they are struggling with a mental illness.  It is truly a shame to have to keep something a secret that occupies a great deal of time and effort.  Managing a chronic mental illness is a HUGE effort.  There are doctor and therapy appointments, medication side effects to deal with, prescriptions to refill, and symptoms to deal with.  It is at times a very hard road to journey on.

My one wish is that other people could feel more free to talk about it so there will be a greater understanding.  Maybe then those who live with mental illness will feel more supported.  Maybe then there will be more research dollars to help fund better treatments with higher efficacy.  Maybe then there will be better access to care.  Maybe then people with mental illness won’t be housed in jails and prisons.  Maybe then our society will be more compassionate.  Maybe….just maybe people won’t have to suffer in isolation.


Tying Up Loose Ends

Today I’m going to be working on the house, doing my Delta Magazine story, finishing my laundry and  going to the grocery store.  That’s a full day right there.  I hope to get it all accomplished.

I made sure I took my meds and I am very, very sleepy.  But I should be fine-I won’t have much down time with what all I have planned.  I am in a good mood and that is what counts.  So I can be happy today.

I’m working on another bit for my nonfiction workshop class about I remember about being young.  I don’t remember an awful lot but there are a few things I am trying to talk about.  WE will see how it goes.  It’s not due until like March or so.  So I have plenty of time to work it out.

I guess I’ll get started.  Hope everyone has a good weekend!  Thanks for reading!

 

 


Its NOT Impossible!

My integrity is my breath
I rise
And I fall
On its presence
I carry it
Honor it
And vow to keep it
Intact
No matter the
Depression
Mania
Mixed madness
That ensues
Standing tall while Bedridden or
Riddled w anxiety or
Fuming w rage
Sounds impossible
Can be
IMPOSSIBLE
but I refuse to allow my
Moral fortitude
My sincerity
My desire to maintain dignity
In the darkest of times
Be swept away by a
Fury of tears
Manic gibberish
Depressive credence
If there is no light
No relief
No reprieve
There is and
Always will be
Integrity
Even if I am the only one
That knows