The Disappearing Blog Entry

Sun:

So I got up to write in my blog today. The draft was totally gone! I have no idea what happened to it.

I have a hangover today from drinking too much wine at dinner last night. So I didn’t go to church. So now I feel like I have already failed at this week. It’s just not going the way it could.

I feel sort of overwhelmed and a bit down. But that’s probably the hangover.

We’ll have to see how the rest of the day goes. I plan to just survive.

Update:

Watched some football, argued with my kids, and rested. Took a Klonopin to get rid of some anxiety. Sent out a couple of texts to see if a few of my friends have time to get together.

I thought maybe some of my friends could see me by meeting me at my house or somewhere else and taking a walk. After we walk we could have some coffee or whatever. It might be better than always eating out.

My CBT therapist is working on exposure therapy for my driving/ riding anxiety. She had me make a 0-10 scale of how scared I was of various things. For example: Level 0 is driving around the block, in the neighborhood, and riding with husband on short trips. Level 10 is driving to another town outside of the metro area and riding on single lane freeways. My levels also involve various levels of parking, driving at night, and driving in the rain. I figure I am sort of on Level 3 or 4 in my list. But I go back and forth between levels. I need to keep practicing and moving up a level or so.

I mean, honestly, I really never have to drive to another town. I don’t need to ride on single lane freeways. So Level 10 is sort of unnecessary.

I am WAY too caught up in my kids’ lives. I feel anxious every time they have a problem and I feel like everything is my fault. Especially regarding my daughter who has bipolar and my youngest who has depression. I blame myself for their illnesses, but as a doctor reminded me….”hey, you got it from your parents, how could you have known your kids would get it?” I truly had no clue what was wrong with me when I had kids. And I’m not sure I would have figured out a lot of it was genetic. I am lucky that my middle son seems to be fine.

I don’t know what to think about the genetic thing. I can’t imagine my kids not existing, but I hate for them to have this and suffer. I just don’t know. And I do have hope that treatments and meds will get better and bipolar will be handled much better in the near future.

Mon:

I feel “funny” today. Just struggling to get going.

I found a couple of friends really willing to go out on Wednesday. One is a guy friend from high school. He and I have a tradition of eating a piece of pie and coffee when we get together. The other friend is one who I met at NAMI. She has MDD (major depressive disorder), so she totally understands how I feel.

I just have to get myself together to actually GO on Wednesday and not cancel.

If I can bitch and moan a bit, I am just so sick of being “sick”. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of trying so hard to do everything to get and keep my life together. I am tired of trying to lose weight. I am tired of trying to exercise. I am tired of trying to hold everyone else’s emotional life together in this family. I just want to take off and disappear.

Update:

I am feeling better. Got my nails done and tried to do some re-covering of a bench. Need different upholstery tacks.

Had a weird deal with WordPress today. They somehow charged me $30 for a “premium” blog. I don’t need a premium blog. So I messed around and canceled the $30. So that is good. But a lot of my format colors have changed. Don’t know what this all means but will figure it out. In the meantime, I am going with the flow.

Don’t have a huge day tomorrow. I have my support phone call with my friend. Then I need a shower. Then I want to do an errand or two. Then bipolar support group. Finally a dinner with my kids’ cousins who are from out of state. I guess when you write it out, it does sort of look like a lot.

Tues:

Up for my morning support call. Doing okay so far. Dog is snoring!

I switched my errands to another day. So I’ve basically got to get a shower, go to bipolar group, and then this family dinner. I can rest in there and survive.

Hope all of you are having a peaceful week.

lily

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