Daily Archives: January 23, 2017

How Do You Explain Crippling Depression To A Child?

Two posts in a day, how dare I! Well, considering how few read my posts (and okay, to be fair I, perhaps wrongly, base this on whether someone can be bothered to click *like* or leave a comment, my bad)…When writing mode strikes, I am going with it and call it flood posting, I give zero fucks.

Today I truly was face down in the gutter. Depression, gray gloomy weather, not getting enough restful sleep…I was just wiped out. So I tried to distract myself with CSI:Cyber and chain smoking. Finally, I just gave in to the fact that I was exhausted. There you have it, the woman who does not work was EXHAUSTED. The body runs at a sleep deficit so when you don’t get proper sleep long enough, it takes a toll and yeah, maybe you need a nap.

Or in my case, two brief periods of sleepy respite where I was semi asleep and yet awake enough to bolt up when my background noise of the show ran out so I clicked for the next episode and went back to half snooze mode. The whole time, worrying what if my alarm fails and I am late picking up my kid…True rest simply is not possible in my current state.

As usual when I picked my kid up…she gives me a barrage of questions. “Do we have to go anywhere?’ Nope. “Did you go somewhere?” (meaning “did you get me something.” Nope. Then indignant ‘WHY NOT’.

I went with the usual vague “mommy doesn’t feel so good.” Which considering how my gastrointestinal problems seem set off randomly be it food or stress…isn’t far off.

I know she gets sick of hearing it, so I tried to elaborate by explaining depression to a 7 year old. Yeah, I know, it’s my job to shield her from the harsh realities of my battles lest it saddle her with guilt or responsibility…I just know how much it hurt me when my parents fibbed or blatantly lied to me so I want to break that cycle.

I told her “depression is like being locked in a dark closet and there’s no handle on the inside. You scream, no one hears you. You kick and pummel with your fists (metaphorically) and still, the closet won’t let you out. It is dark, damp, uncomfortable, scary…And you can hear everyone on the outside telling you to let yourself, get over it, stop being a wimp, et al…

But until that closet door decides to open on its own timer…You are lost, trapped, and you mean no harm or bother to anyone. YOU hate it more than anyone around you possibly could because you might be a bother to others…But you are the who IS TRAPPED.

Did I lay too much on a 7 year old?

I doubt it. My kid has many amazing qualities  but empathy thus far is not one of them. Others have noticed it as well. If she can’t muster empathy, then her feelings of guilt as this young age would be nil. Meaning I am simply telling her an ugly truth none of us want to face or admit and yet…it is what it is.

One day she may remember this talk. One day she may be in that dark closet herself and remember mommy is the one to talk to because mommy KNOWS. Even if by the grace of pegacorn she isn’t cursed with bipolar depression, perhaps I can instill in her an understanding and a sense of compassion.

Or the flipside is I leave her with mental scars thus causing her to hate me and anyone who isn’t a shiny happy people whether it is our fault or not. I just believe in being honest. I tell her constantly not to butt in to my adult business for the bills, lack of money,etc, are not her concern. That is on  me and I want to shelter her from it. Let her be a kid.

She’s just a kid, for better or worse, has a mom with faulty brain wiring.

I will emerge from the dark closet of depression when whatever arbitrary time lock the depression has engaged and things will be better again, I just don’t know when. Until then…I hope I have explained to my daughter than my depression is NOT her fault and it’s just something I have to deal with.

If I have scarred her for life…Well, add me to the list of a zillion other parents whose motives were far less well intentioned than mine.


Guest Blogger Devon Sleeth

I am happy to share with you a guest post written by Devon Sleeth.  She is sharing her journey in how she copes with anxiety and offers inspiration for those who are struggling.  Her writing style is really special.

Just Keep Swimming

There are days where I can’t wait to live in a tiny apartment in the middle of a huge city with a busy music related job that I can get to by walking or riding available public transit…But there are also days where I want to drop out of college, move to the beach, and own a tiny flower shop that I get to by riding my bike for five minutes on a sandy road. I’m sure that everyone has felt this way at some point in his or her life, but for me, that is right now. During my senior year of high school I was challenged with a question that is very hard to answer at the age of 18. What major do you want to study in college? At that time, the only thing that really stood out to me was music, as it still does today. I knew that music was a passion of mine and I wanted to make a career out of it, but I wasn’t sure where in the music field I wanted to be. So, I researched online and came up with Music Production. I applied for the program through Ohio University, and with hard work, I finally declared my major at the beginning of my sophomore year of college. After the first semester, I did not enjoy my classes at all. So naturally, fear and anxiousness set in. I began the search for a new field of study. My mind raced with questions like; “What do I want?” “What does God want?” “Will this set me back a couple years?” “Should I suck it up and continue?” Needless to say, I was struggling with the choice. After talking with my Mom, my Dad, my Step-Dad, my Advisor, and God, I finally decided to combine two of the things that I really like. I decided to study Music Journalism. I felt good with the decision, but I was still very anxious because I didn’t know if it was the right choice. This was something that caused me anxiety many times. Eventually, I had to tell myself that worrying about my choices would not change the outcome. What is supposed to happen will happen whether I want it to or not.

Here it is, almost one year later, and I am back in the same boat. Except this time, the boat (AKA my brain) is filled with insomnia, lack of motivation, anxiety, self-doubt, anxiety, headaches, confusion, anxiety, stress, and lots of questions. I have been fighting myself about where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be doing. The truth is, I am currently not happy with the situation that I am in. All of this is making it so much harder to get out of bed and go to class, because I am questioning whether these classes even mean anything to me. The battle is endless in my brain. While all of this is piling on my shoulders, there is one thing that keeps me a float. God has a plan for me. While I don’t have a clue what it is at the moment, it is there. So I tell myself, in the midst of this struggle, I need to trust that there is a place for me in this world and that I should never stop trying to find it.

“When life gets you down you know what you gotta do? Just keep swimming.” Take life day by day and eventually everything will make sense. So when you are thinking about dropping everything and moving to a place where there are no research papers due, no needy bosses, no 4 AM alarm clocks, or no group projects (if this magical place even exists), tell yourself to stop, breathe, and just keep trying even when nothing makes any sense.

By Devon Sleeth

 


I Marched

I marched. I marched with you my sisters and my brothers, my daughters and my sons. I marched for mother earth’s rights, I marched for sanity, for our rights, human rights, women’s rights, the right to love whom we want, the right to have love triumph. I wore my heart on my sleeve, confident the marchers wouldn’t crush it. My blood ran thick and red and strong and pure! My anger against this satanic administration drove me, my love for my great country and it’s equally great people propelled me. Expect Us! We Are Legion! Don’t discount us, in four years you’ll be gone and we’ll still be here. We’ll undo the damage you’ve done and pick up the pieces and proudly go on!


And then this……

So after feeling so good and getting so much done the last couple weeks have kicked my butt!! I typically try to spread things out and plan my week on Saturday/Sunday. That way the week goes smoothly and I can prepare myself for whatever the week holds. I did good for the most part last week and then Friday happened! My daughter was supposed to have a 9am surgery that was supposed to last 45 minutes(minor surgery, she’s ok). And so we got there at 830, I usually don’t get up till 10. I only took one sleeping pill because it’s easier when I get up early. So I hadn’t slept great and as we sat there watching the Inauguration and the clock it quickly became 11am. My son was in the spelling Bee that morning so I texted my husband that he was gonna have to come to the hospital to wait on her. He got there about 1220 and I went straight to work. Conviently I live across the street from where I work and as I watched and waited for a text. I didn’t get a text or see my husband’s car. About 315 he tells me he doesn’t think they are gonna make it before the bus came. So, I beg my boss to run across the street to have our neighbor get my kids off the bus. Thankfully it was fine. Ugh!! Talk about anxiety and stress. Anyway, the kids got off the bus, my husband picked them up from the neighbors and when I got off at 420 I went home to help with our grandsons. I worked on the video I am making for my sons graduation this year. And let the boys watch a movie before going to sleep. I went to our bedroom to join my husband in some TV watching about 9. My amazing husband let me sleep till my 10 on Saturday and I got up and went to work. After work I took the boys home to their Mom and went to meet my mom, sisters, and my younger daughter and niece for dinner. We have crazy schedules but we try to plan a movie and dinner at least once a year. We will go again in March to see Beauty and the Beast and have dinner again. Come home and watch little TV with my husband(it is our time and we make sure to have it most days). Get up Sunday morning get potatoes ready, wrap presents, and head to Moms house for Lemmons Family Christmas. My niece had surgery in December in Florida and my brother drives a truck so we had to get all the schedules in line. Got to relax a little last night and got up at about 10 today. But my dog had gotten up about 530 and pooped in my room. The smell was so strong that it infiltrated my dream and woke me up. I know gross, but you may as well know everything. I work today tomorrow and Wednesday and then I will have Thursday off. I am so looking forward to Thursday with all the kids at school and being able to just relax!

These weeks are the hardest for me. Most of our weeks are busy with 4 kids, 2 grandkids, work for me and household stuff for my husband. But when things go wrong, like on Friday, it takes me days to recover and feel like myself again. Oh did I mention my kids insurance is inactive and has been since September. I didn’t find out until December when I sent in proof of income. Now they are telling me that technical support has to look at it and they have no idea how long that will take and that once it goes to technical it could take a while. Ugh! That’s ok I will just let my kids die if they need to go to the doctor and I don’t have the money. J/K but good grief!! Anyway, it’s not until you really start thinking about it that you realize how much really happens in a day or in a week. If you asked me, on any day other than Friday) I would tell you that we live a pretty simple life and enjoy spending time at the house just being a family. I believe that being at home with family should trump anything else. I don’t have kids with crazy schedules, they have a few activities they do and enjoy but I think it’s important for them to be home too. My son that’s a senior is a wrestling so he has a busy schedule. But once it is over at the end of February he will go back to working and we will hopefully see him a little more at least. Sometimes I wonder if it’s unfair that because of my illness my kids don’t get to run around all over town and do the things they want all the time. But ultimately I believe that I will have no time to talk to them or teach them or help them if we are all always running around and never home. Some of the talks I have, especially with my oldest, are so important knowing that he will be in college next year! 

These days and weeks like this are rather hard for me. I am trying to pay attention and learn what I can. Better ways to handle it or cope with the unknown things that pop up. This is a steep variation to my normal posts but wanted to post about it while I’m still in the middle of tryi to catch back up with life after a steeply difficult busy and stressful weekend. Be blessed today!!!


Sad

I’m out and out crying for the first time in years.  I just found out I lost a good friend a long time ago.  Today on facebook she lit into me about how I feel politically, said I was scary to her and that I needed to stay away from her.  I’ve always been able to reason my way out of these situations before but there was no reasoning with her.

We became friends through our writing–we both freelanced at the same place and became I thought good friends.  She gave me so much encouragement when I was working on my first novel–she believed in the story before I really did.

I don’t know what happened so long ago but I obviously offended her in some way that I was unaware of.  I always hoped if we could reconnect we could be friends again.  SO I tried and got publicly humiliated.  She’s unfriended and blocked me.   That’s never happened to me before.  I hope it does not become a common thing in this age of hatred and fear.

 


44 Black Balloons

Okay, the old 80’s song is 99 Red Balloons but turning 44 is bad enough without tacking on 54 more years. And red so isn’t my color.

Yesterday was indeed my hatchling anniversary date. I got cards from family members.

Then I had to wash my  bedding first thing cos one of the bulimic cats horked up. I did my dishes, all the while my is b0uncing off walls with wanting to make a cake for me and have a party and all I wanted was some quiet. I did humor her and wear the birthday girl ribbon she bought me. (Pink also not my color.)

The turning point came when it hit me…The pilot light on the oven had gone out. Now every other stove I ever had you could access this by the bottom part, whatever the pull out tray is, a broiler maybe? Not this fucker. No, I Googled up the product number and fixing the pilot on this thing requires ten different steps and dissambly of the on the inside of the oven. For a cake I don’t even want cos I simply don’t eat cake? Uh uh.

Ant that was when my birthday turned into SPOOK’s POUTING DAY and she refused to speak to me and sat in her room pouting and growling every time I tried to talk to her and tell her I know she’s disappointed but we can make a cake any other time if I can get R to light the oven. Nope. She wouldn’t give an inch, just pouted for hours.

Thus brought me day crashing round.

Then my knees started hurting, which generally only happens when I’ve been using lots of stairs or…the weather is about to drastically change to cold.

I did not receive any texts wishing me a happy birthday or even an email from those I considered my close Friends. I wish this didn’t irk me but it kind of days because well, it’s rude and hurtful and if that gives me some new personality disorder, fuck it.

Because I was watching a show where the defendant was given a psych eval and diagnosed borderline and I realized…wow, I do have a tendency to merge my identity in with that of whoever I am in a relationship with. Now I wouldn’t say I would do anything to get them back, let alone commit murder, I don’t really grovel or risk rejection even more but…

That just woke the black abyss in my head and made me realize…I am a lousy person and probably too damaged to be salvaged. Now we all know once that aspect of depression sets in, even your best efforts to fight it are pointless.

So I stuck the spawn in my bed and we were lights out at 8 p.m. cos I didn’t know how much more of my own mind I could stand.

I did not sleep well. I was awake every hour on the hour, mind racing, finding fault with myself over every tiny thing. Even this morning as I drove my kid to school, I pondered how R did all this stuff with his kids and took them to Cancun and they all turned out so successful and popular and…My kid is obviously doomed.

I don’t know how to shake this frame of mind. And as the forecast calls for 5 gray cloudy days in a row, I don’t know it’s going to lift much since the weather does impact my moods so drastically.

I just know I do not like the way I am feeling, at all. I feel pathetic, petty, self pitying, demanding, needy, and like a bigger pain in the ass than a colonoscopy without sedation.

Age means nothing to me, turning 44 had no impact, I’m not rattled about that.

I am rattled because my brain chose that day to betray me with all this bullshit at once to bounce around in my head and make me feel shitty.

Which might be indicative that it is time to take Lithium again because my emotions are growing into a funnel cloud and overwhelming me. Except I so dislike not being able to feel anything at all.

How ironic I was born on the 22nd, my lot number is 22, and my life is an endless loop of Catch 22.

Not my lucky number, obviously.

 


Guest Post – Look Back At Me

Our next post is a very raw look at what mental illness does to a person and how stigma and not understanding both what we go through and the strength we need to just get through some days. It is … Continue reading

Madly….Deeply

Chocolate and flowers are not the way into this girls heart. Don’t get me wrong, some decadent dark chocolate and fiery red roses are welcome, but no substitute for deep sincere love.
I’ve experienced “puppy love.” In college I was sure I met the (young)man of my dreams. He was smart, handsome and innocent. He was driven. Broke as hell. Determined to become a doctor. He was so many things I simply wasn’t. My yang. Best of all, he didn’t drink, which left all the alcohol for me and a guaranteed designated driver. Its the little things.
I’ve experienced “unrequited love.” After my puppy love suddenly, out of nowhere, moved out I was broken. Messy. Probably desperate. I latched onto more than a few men but they couldn’t carry my weight. I fell and they watched in dismay. Often saying, “but we just met…” For some reason, these particular men seemed not to appreciate my quick affinity. My ability to throw everything aside. Afford loyalty before trust. As each one walked away, I was more and more confused. Doesn’t everyone want love?
Looking back, I slowly discovered I didn’t really know what love meant. In my formative years, love wasn’t free or forthcoming. It was earned. Straight A’s, for example, gained high favor. Loss of a high school tennis match led to shame. Expression of teenage angst got a wagging of the finger. If I pleased you, the payoff was love. But, then again, not really. Doesn’t everyone deserve love?
Today, I am “madly, deeply loved” by my best friend and husband. I believe I “deeply, madly love” him in return. Its messy. Ugly. Beautiful. Meaningful. Paramount. And above all else, sincere. Nothing is off limits. I yell. Slam doors. Cook dinner. Check the mail. Bring laughter. Be of good cheer. Have anxiety attacks. Have manic moments, depressive weeks and the love can still carry me. This intimacy is immense and binds us in a way I have never known. The warmth and tenderness that permeates the air we breathe no matter what, brings new meaning. Ushers in a whole new understanding of what love truly is. At least for me.


Types of Mental Disorders

You probably have heard of many mental illnesses, but do you know the types of each one? There are many that you probably have not heard of and they are listed below with a brief description of each one.

Types of Bipolar Disorder

Types of Personality Disorders

Types of Depression

TYPES OF ANXIETY:

  • Agora
  •  PTSD
  • OCD
  • Specified
  • Acute Stress Disorder
  • Adjustment Disorder
  • Substance Induced
  • Separation Anxiety
  • Selective Mutism
  • Caffeine Induced
  • Androphobia
  • Panic
  • Social
  • Generalized

TYPES OF SCHIZOPHRENIA

  • Schizoaffective
  • Paranoid
  • Brief Psychotic
  • Schizophrenium
  • Delusional
  • Shared Psychotic
  • Disorganized/ Hebephrenia
  • Cenesthopathic

 

TYPES OF EATING DISORDERS

  • Anorexia Nervosa
  • Bulimia Nervosa
  • Binge Eating
  • Eating Disorder Not Other Specified (EDNOS)
  • Atypical
  • Purging
  • Night/Nocturnal
  • Orthorexia
  • Pica

TYPES OF SELF HARM

  • Cutting
  • Carving
  • Using Objects (kicking or punching a wall)
  • Scratching
  • Picking
  • Ripping Skin off
  • Promiscuity
  • Infidelity
  • Burning
  • Hair Pulling
  • Rubbing objects on the skin
  • Misusing or Abusing Alcohol or drugs
  • Eating Disorders
  • Suicide Attempt
  • Law Breaking
  • Poisoning with toxic chemicals
  • Excessive exercise
  • Multiple piercings and/or tattoos
  • Overspending money

TYPES OF ADD/ADDHD

  • Inattentive
  • Hyperactive-Impulsive
  • Classic ADD
  • Overfocused ADD
  • Temporal Lobe ADD
  • Limbic ADD
  • Ring of Fire ADD
  • Anxious ADD

TYPES OF ADDICTION

  • Alcoholism
  • Drugs
  • Nicotine
  • Food
  • Gambling
  • Internet
  • Sexual
  • Shopping
  • Work
  • Video Games
  • Plastic Surgery
  • Risky Behavior
  • OTC Medications
  • Arson
  • People Pleasing
  • Perfectionism

Other Types of Mental Disorders:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

types-of-mental-disorders-infographic

SOURCES: DSMV, Mind Health Connect, NED, Healthline, ifred, Beyond Blue, Psych Central, Everyday Health, Medical News Today, Health  Central, NIMH, WebMD, Mental Health America, DBSA, Somethingfishy, Additude Magazine, AddictionZ, Wikipedia, All that is Interesting, BlogIssues, Listverse, NHS.uk, Addiction Help Center, Calm Clinic, Helpguide, ADAA,