The Zoo

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Tues:

Well, a minor victory today! We went to the zoo. The weather was cool, but not freezing and lots of the animals were out. It was a nice time. My favorite animals were the giraffe, leopard, and flamingos. I also really enjoyed riding the “safari train”.

The victory part was that I kept up. I walked along with everyone else and no one knew I had any problems. I did get tired, but just kept going. We were there three hours. Then we went to a restaurant and had a late lunch. I came home and promptly fell asleep. I did a good job. This was a good example of my goal for this year of having more “adventures”.

Tomorrow I am having breakfast with two friends. It’s really close, so I can drive there alone. The only other thing I have going is hopefully yoga at 2.

Wed:

Woke up at two and took a Klonopin to go back to sleep. Slept pretty fitfully. Was excited and very willing to go meet with two good friends from my teaching days. We sat and talked for two hours. I felt like I looked pretty good and held my own without getting too tired.

I’m a little shaky and nervous today and am not sure why. My husband is in a bad mood, which is unusual for him. He doesn’t yell or anything, he is just snippy. I also get sort of nervous with Danny around. I never know if he is going to blow up. He sees a new psychiatrist tomorrow morning and we will have to see how that goes.

I think I know what is wrong with my husband. He is really a clutterbug and since I have been sick, things have stacked up. I decided to refresh the bedroom a bit and this means his piles of books and his rock collection which has expanded in there will have to go somewhere else. He seriously thinks his stuff  is so important that it can go anywhere. He already has a full loft and bedroom, not to mention closets, full of rocks, comics, books, baseball cards, coins, stamps, you name it. Now that I feel better I want some space. He’s not crazy about that.

Planning to go to yoga in an hour or so. Need a shower tonight and that is it. Tomorrow have an appointment with my “regular” therapist (not the CBT one) and another yoga class. Not feeling depressed, just shaky, nervous, and wobbly.

Thurs:

Well, Danny and his dad just left to see the new psychiatrist. This is the same new one I see. She is the only one we could get him into fairly fast. We have another appointment for him in February with another doctor if this one doesn’t work out.

I am feeling better but not “happy”. I am feeling able to go to my activities and do stuff at home, but I feel a little overwhelmed. I am not depressed. I have found I can basically handle the day if I only look at THAT day and if I only look at a couple of things at one time. If I look ahead on the calendar, I just want to crawl on the couch.

I still don’t like walking on eggshells around Danny. I sure wish he had a friend with an extra room or somewhere else to live. But we have investigated everything and right now he is stuck here. He was seeing a therapist and that was really helping, but now he has stopped. I need to somehow get him to go back. But he is 22 and it’s hard to get him to do anything.

I have a lot to be grateful for, but I just look on the negative side. I do think of three things every day that I am thankful for, but I don’t know how else to be thankful.

Update:

Danny saw the new psychiatrist and liked her pretty well, but she wants him to go on Lexapro and he is against meds. My husband sat in on the whole session and said the doctor was very patient and understanding about the med issue. Danny is seeing her again next Thursday. Next Friday he is seeing the therapist. So we have him on track with doctors. He is definitely depressed and the doctor agrees, but does not think it is bipolar.

We all sort of hope he’ll somehow be convinced that he should give the meds a try. I worry night and day about him. I am so tired of it. I wish he would try the damn meds.

Fri:

Sort of a weird day. Don’t feel depressed but feel overwhelmed. Cancelled a date with a friend this afternoon. Also not doing a couple of small household chores. Back on the couch.

I did deal with a person this morning who came out to measure our counter tops. We are considering putting granite in. Ours are 20 years old, but in really good shape, but we’d sort of like a face lift. But man, it will be pricey.

Danny went to a concert last night and came in about 4am. So he will sleep all day. It gives me security to know he is safe and busy sleeping. But college starts Monday and we need to settle on a time to be in the house on school nights. His classes don’t start before 10:30 and he has nothing on Friday. I think that gives him plenty of time to go to concerts and be out late.

Sat:

Feeling in a decent mood so far. Plan on going to a movie with husband and daughter and then out to look for a couple of things to set around the living room and bedroom. I sort of purged some junk out of those rooms that I was sick of looking at. I got the new comforter for our room and it looks great.

Update:

Did go to movie, shopping, got a burger, and did a bit more shopping. Came home and slept hard for a couple of hours. Don’t have a lot of stamina. Plan on church tomorrow and then working in the bedroom a little bit.

Sun:

Did not go to church this morning. Felt like I could have gone, but made the CHOICE not to go. Just not in the mood. Got the bed made up with the new dust ruffle and comforter. Husband is really getting into fixing up bedroom a little. He is helping move stuff around and purging some of his stuff.

I packed up my sewing machine and quilting stuff to get it out of the bedroom. I can easily get it out again when (if) I feel like quilting. But I am ready to move on to a more active hobby.

Took a bunch of pictures at the zoo and plan to frame them in black and white and arrange them on the wall. This is about the extent of my ability to do any fancy decorating.

A note about showers: if you’ve been with me a long time, you’ll remember how tough it was for me to shower. Well, I am doing it now. I take a shower and wash my hair every other day. I just let my hair air dry to avoid the hassle of the blow dryer. This shower thing is definitely a victory.

I’m not saying things are great, but I think overall they are looking up. I’m not fooling myself…I know it is likely I will get depressed at some point, but at least I am getting stuff done while I can.

Still suffering from anxiety: About the safety of the kids, health anxiety, driving and riding in cars, and losing weight/ hunger. Working with a CBT therapist on this. Will probably write on anxiety next week.

Mon:

Had quite a night last night. Was having chest pain that wouldn’t go away about 8:00pm. Had some of this last week also. Decided to get it checked out at the ER. Felt a little “dumb” about it, but my dad died of a heart attack at 57, so you never know. They did two EKG’s, a bunch of blood work, and an x-ray. I have a stress test coming up in the next day or so. They couldn’t have been nicer. I think now it is all nothing, but honestly am glad I went in. But we were there till 2am, so am pretty worn out this morning.

Hope you have a good week! I am feeling pretty good emotionally- no depression.

lily

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