Noel

 

img_0536Tues:

It’s darned early here, but I woke up and thought I’d write. Today we are going to take Santa (a friend of ours from church) over to my daughter’s classroom to visit the kids. These kids are pretty rough. They bite, kick, hit, and cuss. They take their clothes off and urinate on the floor. Yes, this is a public school. My daughter’s room is the last stop for these kids until they are placed in a private, very expensive school setting. Since the school district hates to pay for that, my daughter has them. And they are only first graders. I’m hoping Santa will intimidate them a bit.

I’ve been frustrated with feeling lonely and not being able to drive yet. My husband wants to go play poker, go to auctions, and just get out more. I don’t blame him. We got the idea to find a companion for me. We found a friend and am paying her $10/ hour to sit with me or take me places. She needs the money and I need the help. Today she is taking me to my bipolar group. Maybe I can go shopping and more movies, etc. if I have someone to go with and who can drive without fear. We’ll see.

Wed:

The Santa visit went wonderfully! The kids were all fascinated and this guy was so gentle and kind to all of them. We had a funny experience on the way home…we decided to drive through McDonald’s for something to drink. When we got to the cashier, she starting screaming (yes, screaming!) and pointing at Santa. She wouldn’t take our money. Then when we got to the serving window, there were about ten employees crammed into it to look at Santa. It was pretty funny.

I went with my friend to my bipolar group yesterday. It was a good time.

Am feeling very baseline today…not up not down. Not much happening today. Have an appointment with “old” psychiatrist and then yoga if I decide to go. Tonight we are driving around the neighborhood and looking at the Christmas lights.

Danny also needs to call and get an appointment with his new psychiatrist. We’re going to sit with him as they told me they’ll ask him a bunch of insurance questions, etc. I don’t want him to get overwhelmed before he even sees the doctor.

Update:

Saw the “old” psychiatrist and he is putting me on a low dose of lithium. I have to have blood work and an EKG to start that. Went to yoga…it was great. Danny finally got his appointment with the psychiatrist for Feb 6th. This really turned out to be a decent day. Not feeling elevated at all, but not feeling bad.

Tomorrow I want to take a walk, then a shower, do a load of laundry, and then go to yoga again. Pretty simple day. Good to have a quiet day before the holiday hits.

Thurs/ Fri: All quiet on the western front. Feel okay, not good or bad. Did more laundry yesterday. More today. Have a telephone appointment with my therapist. Husband is taking Danny over to see our family doctor today. I really hope things can start moving in a positive direction.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I have to go food shopping and set the table for Christmas dinner. We are having ten people, which is sort of between small and a crowd. Then I’m making pancakes for dinner and going to church.

Today will be just a rest day…just doing some little things around the house.

Update:

Feeling pretty decent today. Got the last Christmas present in the mail and need to wrap it. Got out roasting pan, etc. and washed them up. Everything gets dusty when it sits in the pantry for a while.

Had a good conversation with my “good” therapist today. She has some ideas of things to work on in 2017. I really like that. We talked a lot about Danny and how he is doing. It was a productive session.

Christmas Eve:

Feel a little lonely this morning. Feel very emotional. Went to the grocery early and got teary hearing the Christmas songs. How ridiculous!

Have the table set, the food ready to cook tomorrow, and the presents all wrapped. Got a shower. Looks like we will be having rain this afternoon.

I try to make the holidays nice for my husband and kids. But I do get sad. Am going to send little texts to my friends wishing them a nice holiday. Then I’ll make pancakes for dinner and we will go to church. I’m sure I will cry at church so plan on taking plenty of tissues.

I sort of understand why I feel a little overwhelmed today and tomorrow and the following days. I have to shop, plan dinner, clean the house, set the table (fancy!), cook, do the dishes, and make sure the guests are having fun. In the morning we open all the gifts and I have to round up anything that needs to be returned and find the receipt and make plans to take it back. Then we have to clean up all the wrapping, etc. before the guests get here.

Once Christmas is over, I’ve got to get all of the decorations down and put away. The kids and my husband will help with everything, but they complain.

I know this complaining sounds selfish. I have a basically healthy family, plenty of money (not rich, but fine), and I don’t have to work. I am just being honest here. My mom used to tell me I was selfish and lazy and honestly, I think she was right.

Update:

Decided since it was Christmas Eve, I would smile and say extra nice things. No depression allowed. We even had drop-in relatives and the house looked great. Just need to make pancakes and get to church. So far I am staying positive.

Christmas Day/ Mon:

I did good. I made the pancakes, got to church (it was really nice), got the morning cinnamon rolls made, got the gifts open (nothing so far has needed to go back!), hosted dinner for 10, and got the kitchen cleaned up.

After we ate, I cleaned (with the help of my daughter) and the rest of them played guitar and board games. I took a nap.

I did not cry either at church or on Christmas Day. I was pretty proud of that.

Danny had a very tough Christmas. He just wasn’t in a good mood and acted a little rude. Not bad…he didn’t ruin anything and he was polite to the guests, but he was definitely off. He went to work at 4 and the rest of the family had a discussion last night about him. My older son says he felt exactly how Danny feels (depressed and angry) when he was Danny’s age. He is going to talk to Danny today. Danny is close to him, so I think he is the best bet to have some influence on Danny. Danny also has an appointment with a psychiatrist on Feb 6th, but he doesn’t want to take any meds. I am worried about him and it is affecting my mental health. He came home last night and was very polite. He fell into bed as he was pretty tired from work.

In my opinion, something is definitely wrong with Danny. I don’t know if he has straight depression, bipolar, or what, but there is something going on. My older son was on meds for three months. He doesn’t think they helped, but he says he came out of it mostly through time. My son also said pot does not help. He said it just made him paranoid and more depressed. So I don’t know. Hopefully, they will talk today and it will help.

It’s Monday morning and if it weren’t for Danny, I’d be doing okay. No depression, just worry. And I did make it through Christmas. That’s a victory right there.

I am looking forward to getting back into a routine with my therapists. I need the help.

Tues:

Woke up at 4! Watched TV.

Middle son talked to Danny yesterday. He reports that Danny is having depression from “knowing what to do with his life.” He thinks this is “normal” depression that a lot of kids have at Danny’s age. He agrees Danny should see a psychiatrist if we can get him to one. Danny may be resistant. Middle son says Danny is not thinking of self harm, so that is a relief.

So this week was a mixed bag, but we did get through Christmas. On to 2017!

hugs,

lily

 

 

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