Daily Archives: December 22, 2016

Family

At this time of year especially I miss my family. I haven’t seen most of them for close to 16 years. My anxiety has kept me from taking the steps it takes so I can go back to Canada. I have invited them all to come here though. Some even on my dime. Yet I’ve only seen my mom and two youngest sisters.

My in laws are great. I get along well with them but except for my sister in law it just doesn’t feel the same you know?

Going to my nephews birthday celebration tonight, going to surprise them by showing up. I was invited but I usually don’t make it to this sort of thing.  Leaving in 45 mins. I’m a little nervous but I think I’m good.

Holidays and such I tells ya.

Ohh my accomplishments today are getting dressed, brushing my hair, mopping and doing some other small cleaning things and hopefully going out🙂

 

Feeling A Little Confused

It looks like there won’t be a Blogmas post today. I had what I thought was a really good one about one of my favorite Christmas carols. I had quoted some info from Wikipedia, to which I gave credit. I … Continue reading

Feeling A Little Confused

It looks like there won’t be a Blogmas post today. I had what I thought was a really good one about one of my favorite Christmas carols. I had quoted some info from Wikipedia, to which I gave credit. I … Continue reading

Blogmas 2016 – A favourite Carol

Day 22 I can’t remember which grade it was but the first time I heard “O Holy Night” it was sung by a friend who had an absolutely gorgeous voice. I believe her Mom had just died a few days … Continue reading

Blogmas 2016 – A favourite Carol

Day 22 I can’t remember which grade it was but the first time I heard this song it was sung by a friend who had an absolutely gorgeous voice. I believe her Mom had just died a few days before … Continue reading

Consultation

So we went back to the dyslexia doctor and he said the trouble she was having was with inferential reasoning, ie the Whys of what she is reading.  She can read enough to see that two shirts do not carry the same price but nt well enough to figure our why one costs more than the other.   He said some of it is dyslexia and part of it is age.  He did one retest and said she had jumped two grade levels from when she took it this past summer, so that was good.   So we seem to be expecting too much of her.

We will see how it goes.  They are all playing nice right now but weren’t earlier, so we had to have a talk.  Hopefully the whole f vacation will go well.

 


McMuggled

Tuesday I did my groveling/earning of gas money by running a few errands for R. I felt pretty secure in doing so since his wife is home for holiday break. Little did I know she was out of town and he invited himself over. Ha. NO NO NO. Not during the curse. I cannot deal with people, especially men, when my hormones are running riot and telling me I am angry or terminally sad at random moments.

Sure enough, it all went south. He brought something with him he was fixing, handed me this little piece, and told me to find it on line under some random search term. When I failed…He whipped out, “You are off your game these days. Once you would have found that piece in five minutes without all these excuses…”

BAM!

I damn well know I am off my game. I know I am circling the goddamn drain. Cue the waterworks and sobbing. HUMILIATION complete. He tried to be comforting. Even said he would come to my next shrink appt with me to tell the doctor just how not well I am doing.

That was wonderful. Until I realized it hinged on me coming in the next day to do his bidding. Lovely. You agree I am falling apart but instead of stepping back and giving me some space, you make me jump through more hoops, thus increasing my stress.

Needless to say…I failed in an epic way yesterday. I had cramps so bad, was teary, I took a Xanax cos I was panicking for no reason other than meeting demands I have no resources for. I fell asleep. Then came his WTF text. Then a call. And I said I was trying to hobble that way, and I was, I even put on real pants. But the cramps just got worse even with pain killer and I was shivering so I got into Fort blankie, put the phone on vibrate, and literally could not move. I was awake two hours before I even managed to smoke a cigarette.Four hours before I even opened the laptop and checked email.

Now if I struggle that much even with my own normal activities and loves…How can I be expected to meet everyone else’s demands?

And why can’t he get it thru his thick skull?

I felt awful, of course. Epic fail of a human being. But Spook and I were in bed before 8:30 because I was just tapped out and in pain and…

This morning, she bounded out of bed without the usual “i’m tired” tirade of screaming. Parties for Xmas at school today. She was excited. I managed to drag my ass out of bed and get her there for breakfast at 7:35, only to realize…she’d failed to brush her hair. FFS. Oh, well, I am  a shit mom. I can’t say more than I told her to brush it and she did not do it. Least she was wearing her glasses and her shoes were on the right feet?

I gifted myself with a pack of smokes since the child support deposit came in. I am in pain still, and the cramps have moved to my spine, so all these plans I had for Xmas shopping may as well be same as facing a firing squad. I have no holiday spirit. None.

I did feel enough guilt about blowing off R yesterday to send him an apology text asking for time to get myself sorted. No reply, but considering I ignored five calls and a text from him yesterday…He has the right to be pissed and shut me out.

It’s got to be bad when you’re so ill physically and mentally that you’d risk an important friendship.

It hurts more to fail a friend than all the times I called in sick to legit jobs even tho I knew I’d be fired.

I HATE this shit. Every month even when doing well this menstrual dysphoria and pain kicks my ass, making me unreliable and unlikeable.

The seasonal depression…Ugh.

So here I sit, knowing all I need to accomplish and with zero will to do so. Feeling guilty for being such a wuss, knowing full well I am anything but a wuss yet the world, including my own family and friends, view me as not trying hard enough to beat this depression.

Sorry, folks. I am not a machine..I am coping best I can.

Bipolar depression. The gift that keeps on taking.

I wish someone would take it from me.I could live happily ever after without it.


Off to Tahoe to Ice Skate & Edit, Perhaps Simultanously…

Squaw Valley, California December 2012 In 2012, my family made our annual winter visit to Alpine Meadows located near Squaw Valley, California, home of the 1960 Winter Olympics. When we visited Squaw Valley, I wore a Santa hat proclaiming I was “Nice,” but in all honesty, it should’ve read “Hopeless.” Craig, the girls and I rode … Continue reading Off to Tahoe to Ice Skate & Edit, Perhaps Simultanously…

Accomplishments

Today I got all my Christmas wrapping done.  Which means I also got all my Christmas shopping done.. Thank you Amazon!

I didn’t accomplish much else but one thing a day right.

Yesterday I went out to the grocery store and tomorrow I am going to my sister in laws for my nephews birthday. The holiday season has begun!

Anxiety be damned…

 


Reblog – Help and Donuts

Originally posted on The Homepage of Tony Burgess:
This morning we went to Dunkin Donuts for breakfast and as we were leaving a man comes up and asks us if we can help him by buying him some donuts for…