Rinse and Repeat

star Wed:

So right when life for me gets kind of crappy, we get Danny’s college grades for the semester. They were a little mixed. He had one A, two B’s and two F’s. He told us he didn’t like the F classes so he didn’t go. (Danny is 22 for those of you who came to the party late.)

He also told me that life is very hard for him from the minute he opens his eyes until the minute he goes to sleep. I feel sorry for him. He just doesn’t know where his life is headed. We are paddling as fast as we can, but we can only do so much.

He worked late last night so we’ve all agreed to talk at noon today to see what the future holds. Danny might hate school, but what kind of a job is he going to find?

I am going to insist that if he does quit school, he gets a full time job and pays us some rent. He is not going to lounge around the house all day and go hang with his friends all night while we feed him and put gas in his car.

I think Danny has depression (and some anger problems), but he won’t take any meds. He doesn’t believe in ingesting artificial things…except pot…if pot is artificial.

I got up this morning and feel okay. I just have to wrap a few gifts and get a shower today. I think I can do that, even though taking a shower doesn’t sound too fun.

Update:

Okay, so we had a family meeting. Very calm, just a discussion. Danny wants to go back to school in the spring and only take four classes so he can keep up better. He will be seeing a therapist twice a month. I will find a new psychiatrist for him to see regarding depression. He still does not want to take any meds. He admits, however, that many of his friends have said he seems depressed. He is also going to start exercising with my husband. We’re doing the best we can here. I hope it is good enough.

Thurs:

Danny spent some time with his dad yesterday. They did some holiday shopping and got something to eat.

It’s weird with a 22 year old. They have their own friends and understandably want to spend a lot of time with them. They are working and maybe going to school. But I think they still need that family time to connect. We’re both going to try to spend more time with him.

He called a psychiatrist for an appointment yesterday and had to leave a message. I’ll give them three days. If they don’t call back, we’ll find someone else. I really hope someone can talk him into some meds….I don’t think he would need much to feel better.

So today I need to see the diet doctor. I’ve probably gained a couple of pounds but that’s okay. Then we are going to the candy store (yes, right after the diet doctor!) to get some candy for Christmas gifts. Next, it’s the bank and then the drugstore. Then maybe yoga.

I see MY new psychiatrist tomorrow. I’m pretty nervous. I just hope she knows what she is doing and will take an interest in my problems. But we live in a big city and there are plenty of other doctors if she doesn’t work out. I can also go back to my old one for a while even though he has moved WAY across town.

I feel pretty decent this morning. At least good enough to get dressed and get out of the house for some errands. This is an improvement. However, I’ve had the pattern of feeling good when I wake up and then going downhill. Hopefully today will be better.

Update:

Had a really good day. Was off the couch almost all day. Did errands, saw diet doctor, and went to yoga. Had not seen diet doctor in two months due to depression. I basically ate what I wanted during that time and I lost 1/2 pound. It’s good I maintained, but I want to hit the diet again.

I got an appointment for next week with our family doctor to see Danny. Danny really trusts him and I THINK Danny might take meds if this guy thinks it is best. Or this doc may refer him to a psychiatrist. We’re still trying to find one for him.

Fri:

Having a really good day. Went to meet the new psychiatrist for me (remember, mine is retiring). I like her. However, she was full of advice regarding vitamins and also counseled me on how wonderful the world is and when I am depressed I should think about that. Uh. But she seems handy enough, and her office is very close. Even with my driving anxiety, I can get to her office myself.

Went to get my sister-in-law’s Christmas present and gave my niece and nephews their money. Made a lot of progress.

Tomorrow have a calm day. Want to take a decent walk and a good shower so I am ready for church Sunday.

Sat:

Am up at 6:30 writing to you. Feeling good and normal today. No depression. It’s freezing outside, but I hope to take a walk when my husband gets up.

I woke early and was thinking about my illness. About how I must spend a great part of my life doing things to overcome it. How the first thing I think of in the morning is taking my meds. And about all the activities I do to help improve it…yoga, support groups, watching diet and weight, doctors, therapists, meditation, water, writing this blog, keeping a mood chart….well, you get the idea. So I felt a bit irritated. But then, of course, I thought of all the other people with chronic problems and the things they had to go through.

So I’m not sure what I think.

Today, just get a walk and shower, get to the dry cleaners, and clean the litter box. Woohoo!

Sun:

Yesterday was a good day. No depression. My husband did a lot of errands and I didn’t go with him. I just felt sort of lazy and wanted to hang around the house.

My daughter is dating a new guy and really likes him. That’s good news. She said he is a lot like her dad….so that is REALLY good! She’s 28, so it’s about time to get out and meet someone.

Danny went out of town overnight with some friends. He’s texted me a couple of times to say hi and share info. He was really looking forward to going and I think it cheered him up a great deal.

I feel good this morning. Just church, a visit to my husband’s uncle (in assisted living), and hanging out at home watching football. My husband is going to the game so it’ll be a long afternoon for me by myself.

But bottom line, I am feeling decent.

Update:

Everyone is out of the house so am a bit lonesome. Several more hours before anyone comes back. It’s frustrating cause I have plenty of friends I could have scheduled something with. But I just feel I am not dependable enough the way I have been cycling with several days up and then several days down. But (if I can wallow in self pity here) I think that is the price I pay for my bipolar.

Mon:

Woke up with a mild headache and a stuffy nose. Don’t think I am getting sick though.

We are having at least some company for Christmas dinner. My husband’s cousin and his wife. Plus my girlfriend. That is at least manageable.

I want to make chili and cornbread for Christmas Eve. Hope I can do it.

Today am still trying to get to the dry cleaners and then have women’s support group this afternoon. Probably need to start on a grocery list. Feel a bit tired, but not depressed. I am just praying hard that I can make it through Christmas without crying. That  would be nice.

Update:

Turned out to be a weak day. Stayed on the couch most of the time. Decided to switch to banana/ pecan pancakes for Christmas Eve. Just a tough day.

I won’t blog again till after the holiday, so hope you all have a peaceful one.

much love,

lily

 

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