A Taste of Normal

berries

I’m up at 6:30 writing away. I had a great adventure last night! We went to an auction! I haven’t been to one since I was a little girl in Ohio.

Anyway, it was about an hour away in heavy traffic. I got pretty nervous and popped some Klonopin while I was in the car.

We got there and the people were so nice and it was well organized. There were too many coins and guns for sale, but there was a rug, a picture, a little statue, and a clock I was interested in. We got the clock and the statue. It was a lot of fun to bid and see all the other people there. It did go on for a long time…we were there from 5-9 and things were still going when we left.

The ride home was much different. There was little traffic and I wasn’t nearly as scared, even though it was after dark.

My middle son took a vacation day yesterday so we did stuff together. We all went out for breakfast and then bummed around Target and some other stores. I took a rest then and we headed for the auction. It was a NORMAL day and I kept up just fine. Really, really nice.

Today is low key. I need to wrap more presents and go to yoga. I’ve got to get a shower tonight. That’s about it. I am very happy with the way I’ve been feeling.

Update:

Uh-oh. I think I might be getting hypomanic. I just feel VERY good. This might also be a “normal” feeling. I have been depressed so long am not sure what a regular mood is. Still attributing the improved mood to additional Welbutrin in the morning.

Was feeling so restless I took a Klonopin. Now I am feeling very good but not uncomfortable.

I wonder what it would be like to feel steady basically every day. Go off to work, come home, get some dinner together, and have a little social life.

Thurs:

Not sure I feel so hot today. I think I feel kind of sad/normal. Just want to rest and not do too much. Did take a walk last night. My goals today are: a shower, a load of laundry, and yoga. Exciting, huh?

Update:

Got the shower and the laundry done…skipped yoga. I took a walk last night but my exercise routine stinks. I need to get more serious about it. I have no excuse other than laziness. Am snuggled on the warm couch just resting.

Fri:

Had a rough night. Danny was out till four o’clock at a concert and brought a friend home with him to spend the night. The dogs went crazy and we were up and down with them quite a bit. I did get up and go to see my “good” therapist. We talked about a mish-mash of things.

I then went to look for a holiday centerpiece. Couldn’t find anything, so decided to just make my own casual arrangement by laying holiday stuff in sort of a pile and adding some fake candles. It’ll be good enough.

Came home, sat down and suddenly didn’t feel too good. Just felt shaky and sort of though as if things were closing in. My husband and middle son are going to a holiday poker party tonight and Danny will be going out. Hopefully, my daughter will be home. I don’t feel like sitting alone tonight. Even if she is up hanging around in her room, it helps.

Tomorrow I plan on taking a walk and wrapping a few gifts. Sunday I just plan on church and maybe another walk.

Sat morning:

Woke up and feel a little fragile. Got some potatoes in the crock pot to bake so we can have loaded baked potatoes for dinner.

Just plan on hanging out today and hopefully getting a walk in later. Not a big day. My aunt called last night and was thanking me for her Christmas food I sent. I sent her an assortment of organic jams and some stuffed frozen chicken breasts. I could tell she got a kick out of the whole thing. She said they’re having some of the the jam on toast this morning and two of the chicken breasts for dinner. It’s nice to do something for someone else and have them get excited.

Sun:

Really rough time last night. Got to crying and couldn’t stop. Don’t like to cry in front of my kids but I did.

Woke up this morning with a headache. Plan on resting today and trying to work on life tomorrow.

I see the new CBT therapist tomorrow and my new psychiatrist on Thursday. I hope someone can help me.

Mon:

Okay, I have decided to give life another shot today. Last night was okay….felt uncomfortable but no crying.

Today I am seeing the new CBT therapist. I feel pretty depressed so I hope she doesn’t overload me with stuff to do. I feel too wobbly to drive.

I am also having my women’s support group over for our meeting and cookies. There are only five of us, so not a huge crowd. I just have to clean up the den and kitchen a little bit. The rooms are “clean”, just messy.

I feel like I look like crap today. I probably do. Maybe I can find something cheerful in the closet.

Update:

I give up. I just give up. I feel so black today.

I went to see the new CBT therapist and cried some. I came home and crawled on the couch. I have to get up soon and clean the house for my friends. I am so worn out from depression. I wish I could talk to a depressed friend who truly understands, but I don’t want to bring anybody down.

Tues:

Feel a little better today but it’s only 7. Had my group over last night and cried to them. They were SUPER supportive and understanding. The meeting went well and we all had a nice time.

Today’ s goals: morning shower and bipolar support meeting.

Strength to all of you as you handle this crazy holiday season.

lily

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