Daily Archives: December 6, 2016

Meet the Artist

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My first “show” launched at First Unitarian on December 4.  My thanks to Ann Mowery and Jean Tauber for helping me set up, to Sue Crawford for playing photographer, to my First U friends who showed up at the last minute, and to folks I’d never met before who wanted my cards now or exclaimed prettily over art journal pages.  It was an ebullient forty-five minutes.


Grinding it through December

cookiesWed:

So today I notice is November 30th. Here comes Christmas!

I went to my bipolar support group yesterday. I came out of there a little depressed. I just feel like my life is so empty and that all I do is try to hold myself together one day at a time. If I make a commitment, I’m not positive I can keep it. I feel like a very sick, fragile person who is afraid to drive and worries too much about health.

I have tried so many things to get better. Things sometimes work for a while. And my husband and doctor think I am doing fine. But there is little MEANING in my life. I am spiritual and do pray for help along those lines, but no response. I’m not sure where to go from here. I see my good therapist on Friday…maybe she can help.

I have two things planned today: a breakfast out with a friend for her birthday, and a small hike with my husband. That will probably do it for me.

Update:

Today went downhill fast. I developed a headache and rescheduled that breakfast with a friend. I am on the couch doing some crying. I found another new CBT therapist to try. I called her and hope she will call me back. I am just absolutely worn out. I think I am definitely suffering from some depression, because my life is not really that empty. I just feel restless, bored, and depressed. Can you feel all of that at the same time?

Thurs:

Just have to see the dreaded CBT therapist at 3pm. Plan on just resting and messing around the house until then.

I don’t feel like I am making good progress with this therapist. I am going to tell her I will call her for an appointment and then just not call. I know it’s pretty passive aggressive but am not sure what else to do. I don’t want to get in any discussion with her. She is a true “know-it-all” which is annoying. I have been seeing her since April, which I feel is a pretty decent amount of time to see if it clicks.

Update:

Went to the old CBT therapist and sobbed the entire time. I am seriously depressed. I feel like I might start seeing or hearing things soon. Then it is hospital time. But I will do a lot to stay out of the hospital. Called psychiatrist…he increased Welbutrin.

Heard from the new CBT therapist and got an appointment with her for Monday. I have mixed feelings about it as I am so depressed it is hard to think of my driving and health anxiety.

Just feeling real tired today. Hopefully, I won’t cry.

Fri:

Had a positive turnaround. Started feeling better in the morning and messed around the house. Got a shower about noon and then actually made it to a birthday party for a friend. I told my husband we could not stay late and that I would need to probably leave a little early. We were the first to leave, but I WENT! I didn’t cancel and I didn’t send my husband alone. That’s pretty good!

Today I have to wrap gifts for our Christmas Angels. We bought gifts (clothes, toys, and shoes) for two little girls who live at our local homeless shelter. The wrapped gifts are due on Sunday, so I have to get busy. I’m not the world’s best wrapper with my shaky hands, but I bet these kids won’t care.

Tonight is my husband’s big work Christmas party. This thing is a marathon. First off, it is about an hour’s drive away. Then they have cocktail time and a gift exchange. Then the owner gives a speech. We have a nice dinner and then see the show. (It’s a dinner theater.) Then of course another hour home.

I feel good right this second and am planning on going. I hope I don’t crash today. This is sort of an important event.

Sun:

Woke up in good spirits. I made it to the lengthy work party last night and did a really great job. One of the presents we took was picked first due to the gorgeous wrapping!

The food was great at this thing and I ate way too much. But it was okay. The play they did was very professional although I got incredibly tired. I even drove my husband and myself home around midnight and it was quite a distance. I’m still not comfortable driving at night, but at least I am doing it.

I ditched church this morning and sent my husband to drop off the Christmas Angel gifts. He and my middle son are going to the football game today.

Tomorrow morning I see the new CBT therapist. At least I feel a little stable right now. It’s a good time to meet her and see if she will work out.

I can’t believe I was feeling so bad two days ago and now have gone to two parties (and done well) in two days. I find it hard to believe it was a simple Welbutrin increase. It’s just so weird and frustrating.

I have some goals for tomorrow. I need to see that new therapist, get my nails done, and start wrapping gifts. If I get my life together, I should go to yoga. I have to make a list of what I have for each person and see if I need to fill in anywhere.

Today I just need to get a shower.

Mon:

Had a great day yesterday afternoon. Got most of my gifts wrapped….what a relief!

I have feeling very good…not high or perfect….but really good. It’s weird, but I will take it.

I have sort of a low week…not too busy.

Am going to get dressed and go to new CBT therapist. Let’s see how that goes.

Update:

Really like the new therapist. Am definitely going to change. Got my nails done. Really great day so far.

Tues:

Having another really good day. Able to get out, do shopping, and eat out. I attribute this to the extra Welbutrin. Hope that this lasts. I pray every day: “no depression, just for today.”

love to all,

lily

 

Trapped Inside My Own Mind

I published a post last week titled Trapped. It was a quick rant about how miserable I was feeling. I don’t rant very often on this blog. Today my intent is to share what I’m feeling, but hopefully in a more coherent way. I hope I succeed. Our President Elect I’ve made it clear since Trump’s election win that Maurice…

The post Trapped Inside My Own Mind appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

Scholarship Opp

Found out that Mississippi State University is sending a group to Brandon High School to interview my middle one and others for the BIG scholarship–one that pays for everything.  So that was exciting news yesterday.   I just pray she gets it and will go there and be happy with her choice.

I finally got into wrapping presents yesterday.  I got all of them done except for a very few.  I sorted out what was going to be Santa gifts and etc.  We will be shopping tomorrow for more  trying to get everyone taken care of.  But Bob has some more days in this schedule open so we can go again if we don’t finish.

I’m so glad to have had good days lately.  It feels so good to feel NORMAL.  I need to get refills today of my meds so that feeling will continue.  It’s just been lovely to be productive and even keel and seeing everything so much more clearly.

 


Consumed by the Darkness

I feel so empty
So alone
Yet so full
Of shame
And disgrace
Down by the river
I shed silent tears
No one understands
Please help me escape
This cumbersome pain
It’s not in solace
I find comfort
It’s not even in holding your hand
Depression whispers to me
Taunts me
Haunts me
Not worthy of spirit
Or space
Not worthy of love
Or embrace
Guilty of weakness
Creating wreckage in my wake
Quietly I slip away
As I’ve had all I can take
I can no longer hold this despair
I can no longer hold this fear
The whispers entice me and promise
It’s selfless to just disappear
The burden no longer heavy
My soul no longer lost
The battle no longer need waging
My tattered white flag barely waving
Please forgive me
As it’s best I don’t say goodbye
I love you dear one
Please try not to cry
Out the back door I slip
Consumed by the darkness
I have lost my grip
Its true I’ve let go
It’s me
No will to keep on
Your fire is still bright
Mine has long grown tired
Keep warm dear one
Keep fighting the good fight