Daily Archives: December 2, 2016
Ready. Set. Sail! So I’m here to say a few words. In truth, things have been a little rocky for me. I’ve been quiet these past few weeks…out of embarrassment really. I don’t know why I can’t just be open and honest with myself on my blog. It makes me nervous being so open. I … More Feeding The Fire: Up In Flames
“I’m gonna get the fire started. Impossible for you to breathe.” (cascada – pyromania)
Yep those lyrics basically describe how my anxiety has been lately. It’s all calm then all of a sudden I’m getting a hot flash and an anxiety attack.
My mood has been fairly good though. My mind has been quick. These are good things.
So it’s definitely improving.
I’m not writing as often as I like but I’ve noticed that I’m just not motivated at all. I think it’s the weed. I shouldn’t have got more but I thought all I can do is make things better right?
Wrong. I do absolutely nothing.
The new meds have caused me to gain over 20 fucking pounds! After losing over 60 this is a real kick in the face.
I feel good again this morning. SO this is nice. It almost feels like normal. I’m really apprehensive about saying that in case I scare it away. But I really do feel well this morning.
I did something fun yesterday. I made another dream poster, something I haven’t done in a long time. I was going through magazines to give away to the daycare, and GOd just prompted me to look through them one more time to find inspirational phrases and images to put on a sheet of paper. I thought it was going to be inspirational about being where I am right now, which is a wife and mommy. Instead the Lord led me to put together exciting words about the next year.
I pulled out “Shine”, “Share”, “Strong” and “Free” out as the main words, then filled in a picture of a water fountain for the center. The main quote is “You have to really put yourself out there–heart, soul. everything–to do anything well”. The title of the poster is “Visions”. Other words are “Awakening”, “Boldest”, “Bravest”, “Wow”and “Power”. Other phrases are “Ask for it”, “Keep you mind sharp”, “Surprise Yourself”, “Change for the better”, and “I will light up every room I walk into”.
I just feel so optimistic about the future right now. And not about publishing or anything like that. Just that the future looks bright and that GOd is with me. Maybe it’s just the Christmas spirit. But whatever it is I’ll take it.
Picture Juno from the movie Juno in the scene where she finds out her unborn baby has fingernails. She holds her hands up for demonstration and proclaims, “FINGERNAILS! It has FINGERNAILS!”
This is how I felt last week, but instead of an unborn baby it was…you know…me. I have FINGERNAILS.
I bite my nails when I’m nervous, so the last time I had nails that didn’t look totally janky was back when…oh, I don’t know…when’s the last time I wasn’t completely overwhelmed by life? Middle school? That was fifteen years ago, y’all.
I looked down at my hands the other day, and I suddenly noticed, “WHOA! Where did those come from?!” I was on anti-anxiety meds basically all of last year, but I’ve been off of them for a few months now. I feel like, for the first time in years, I can have normal and healthy responses to stressful situations, and I’m not even on meds that make me do that! I’m able to do it on my own! *cue Hallelujah chorus*
Here are some situations to help you understand the difference from how my life was before and how it is now (with FINGERNAILS! Has it stopped sounding like a word yet? Fingernails fingernails fingernails):
Situation 1: I drop a dish, and it breaks.
Before: AAAEEEEEE!! OH MY WORD! THIS IS AWFUL! I’M THE WORST WIFE THAT EVER WIFED! MY HUSBAND IS GOING TO BE SO ANGRY! I AM SUCH A LOSER! WE ARE GOING TO GO BANKRUPT OVER BUYING A NEW DISH!
Now: Hey Andy, I dropped a dish. My bad. Keep the dogs out of the kitchen for a minute, okay?
Situation 2: I make a small mistake at work.
Before: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER! I AM GOING TO GET FIRED, AND MY FAMILY WILL ALL SHUN ME, AND I WILL BE A HOMELESS PERSON ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD WITH ONLY MY EMACIATED DOG FOR COMPANY BECAUSE MY HUSBAND DIED OF STARVATION AFTER GIVING ME HIS LAST CRUST OF BREAD. I CAN’T BELIEVE I MADE SUCH A STUPID MISTAKE! THIS HAS RUINED ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING!
Now: Oh, oops. Sorry about that. I’ll fix it next time.
Situation 3: Husband is late coming home
Before: AHHH! HE IS PROBABLY DEAD IN THE DITCH! HOW AM I GOING TO TELL HIS PARENTS? WHAT WILL I SAY AT HIS FUNERAL? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH HIS HUNTING DOG? HIS LAST WISH WOULD HAVE BEEN FOR THAT DUMB DOG TO HUNT. SHIT, NOW I HAVE TO TAKE UP GROUSE HUNTING. WHYYYYYYYYY?!
Now: His last patient ran late, or maybe his boss needed some help. I’m sure he’ll be home soon. I will eat a cookie while I wait. Yum, cookies.
Do you see how different it is now!? The aforementioned situations are not as exaggerated as one might hope; I’ve actually thought 95% of those things. I thought them all in capital letters, too, just like I pictured here. My brain used to be a pretty crazy place. It still is sometimes, but it’s a lot quieter now. It has at least gotten out of capslock.
Now I am enjoying my newfound fingernails. I feel like a preteen girl who just got boobs: what is this awesome new body part that I have now?! I’m going to paint them and file them and love them (I’m back to fingernails now, not boobs. In case you didn’t follow. I do not paint and file my boobs).
I hope you’re all having a calm Thursday night. I’m sitting by the fire with my cat at my feet, and I’m loving the clacky sound my fingernails make on my keyboard. Maybe I can be the hand model for one of those manicurist posters where someone shows off shiny nails while holding a rose or a violin. A whole new world is open to me now.