Daily Archives: October 27, 2016

Advising

Just went through advising with my professor and signed up for another class this spring.  So that housekeeping bit is taken care of.  I talked to him a bit about my concerns that I didn’t feel like I was “learning” anything; ie all my writing gets compliments in feedback and very little specific advice on how to improve it.  I told him I wasn’t trying to malign anybody–just that I didn’t feel challenged enough.  So we will see what comes of that.

I finished part of my classwork today and am partway through the assignment for the week.  I just need to sit down and grind it out.  It’s not hard, just have to pile up 800 words a word at a time.  I just need to do it.

I haven’t slept any today so feel good about that.  Therefore I’ve gotten more accomplished than yesterday.  I talked to BOb about feeling so frustrated last night, and I think talking to my professor and mapping out what I wanted to take in the next few years helped me see an end ahead.  It’s not so scary today.

 


Let’s Talk About Sex – Throwback

This weeks throwback is from November 2014 If you Google symptoms of mania there’s one thing you’ll find on nearly every list – sex. For example, the Mayo Clinic website states “Increased sex drive” as a symptom of mania. Webmd goes a step further and says “more and sometimes promiscuous sex.” Despite this simple fact, rarely do I see writers…

The post Let’s Talk About Sex – Throwback appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

Good News, Everyone!

Ready. Set. Sail! Hi everybody! Jess is up early and chipper as fuck today! I got some good news to share with all of you so sit down and shut your peep holes. So I wanted to start off by mentioning that my husband is doing much better! The pain from his surgery is pretty … More Good News, Everyone!

So long ago. So clear?

This October has marked one year since I began taking Quetiapine (Seroquel) and yesterday my son told me I am very much better (“nicer”) than I was thirteen months+ ago. Personally, I can’t see it, though I’m aware that the meds have worked their virtual miracle on my out of control, life-long bipolar symptoms. I have no reference point to ‘getting well’ as I’ve never been well.

Although I only sought medical and psychiatric help two years ago, at the age of 54, I can recall mood swings and what I now assume were brief psychotic episodes back to the age of four. So then, a half century of bipolar and depression, untreated and ignored by those who knew me. Who know me.

Having had eight months off from my stressful job last year, I have managed to stick at it for a couple of months now without missing a single day. I’m stubborn; I won’t let bipolar dictate its terms to me anymore. I must have always been stubborn, otherwise I’d have sought help before now. Actually, as you’ll know if you’ve been reading this sporadic blog (sorry), I did present myself to my GP when I was 20 with severe depression. He told me: “Pull yourself together” and sent me away without help. I was so embarrassed I waited almost a quarter of a century before handing my current GP a letter detailing my illness.

I know exactly when the light bulb above my head lit up regarding bipolar. I’d tried several different anti-depressants over the years for reactive depression: divorces, deaths in the family. That kind of thing. But these meds had made me ill; none of them worked. Then I read a book called ‘Why Am I Still Depressed?’ and it all made sense.

Which brings me to October 2016 and twelve months of Quetiapine (and at some point the addition of fluoxetine). The Q dose crept up and I now take between 500-550mg a day in three or four doses; the days I’m in work I take that extra 50mg for anxiety.

The biggest issue for me has been the Fat or Mad? decision. It became apparent early on that I had to make a choice, and I chose not to be mad. So in a year I’ve gained over a stone in weight and my general fitness has suffered greatly. No-one talks about the physiological symptoms of bipolar, but they’re very much there. I’m sedated half the day and I ache like hell from tip to toe.

I still don’t sleep through the night, not by a long way. I wake every hour or so then fall asleep again quickly. My anxiety level is still higher than I expected it to be by now, and my mild OCD with it. The meds haven’t really touched the OCD at all. Neither did the nine months of CBT I received last year before starting meds.

I look back on hypomanic and manic phases with more embarrassment and utter bewilderment. How on Earth was that person me? A stupid question as I have no idea what or who me is.

Some things disturb me more than others now. About the illness, I mean. The dissociation is scary and confusing. I tried to get help for that during my therapy but after dragging this issue out from the depths of me, it was then left unaddressed. Yes, the dissociation disturbs me; I don’t like it at all.

The meds have lessened the occurrences of ‘extremely intrusive suicidal ideation’. It’s clipped the top off the highs and the bottom off the lows. I’m more stable. The fact that I’m compliant – both with taking my meds and attending my psychiatrist appointments – shows that I’m in a better place than I was. Not a good place, just a better place.

 

 

 


Waste Of Air

From mental health state…Today truly was a waste of air. Oh, sure, I had a hypomanic burst for a couple of hours this morning and went and served time at the shop and got a pack of smokes for my effort.

Then the temp dropped and it started raining. Cold rain. My mood crashed. Like, splat. I haven’t been able to shake it off all day or evening. I feel like I’ve been kicked by a football team, everything aches.

The two saving graces today…Talking to my tribe members in the chat room. You guys are awesome, so keep coming, keep inviting others (let me know so I can do the formal invite Chatzy requires.) It’s slow going getting a room going, especially with everyone in different time zones, different schedules, our ups and downs…But if we keep it going and do it together…We can become an even bigger, better wordpress community.

And the second saving grace…

After previous mentions in posts about wanting a mermaid blanket but not being able to afford it…A wondermous person who read the post gifted me with one. Asked for nothing in return, just said he hoped it brought me some happiness.

It’s a beautiful soft blankie and sooo very warm. If you have the cold leg/feet thing like I do but want your arms free for typing and whatnot…Mermaid blankets are the way to go. I am so very grateful to that kind soul. I’ve spent the day under the blankie and think I may marry it. At least for the coming cold months.

And that’s all I have to say tonight. Hopefully tomorrow will be less sucky.

Hard to believe weather can have such a negative effect on my mental state. And my doctor can cram his light box in an uncomfortable place cos they don’t work.

Morgue…Out.

 


So Stressed

It feels like I never am not anxious anymore even taking my 3 mg of xanax a day.

Tonight everyone is here for family dinner night and we are having what you should consider a nice visit but man I am thrumming.

I’m glad I’ll be able to get high tonight and finally not be able to focus!

Anyhow back to the family.