Daily Archives: October 17, 2016

Is it real?!?!

Have you ever just stopped and wondered if all of this mental health stuff is real?? Now before I start, I go to the doctor, I take my meds, this is just a frustration day. 

The last couple of days I have felt really down. I am seeing slights coming my way from just about every situation I am in. I am sleeping more, and wanting to sleep when I’m up. I know it isn’t good, and I know I should probably find the energy to make a change. But the truth is, I don’t want to. I am tired. I am so so tired. This time of year is crazy for my kids and by default me. And I have found that external sources of busyness are the hardest for me. I have been doing pretty good. My mind has been right and I have been trying to hang on to this year with my heart and eyes wide open. But I’m tired. I am finding it hard to keep taking mess that only seem to work for a little while.  I often think all my meds do is make me aware of my broken brain and emotion sensors. Sometimes I think that maybe “those people” are right and this is just a giant excuse. Except I still have a job, and take care of my kids and husband. I still clean my house and try to take care of myself. Doesn’t seem like the “excuse” is working very well for me. I still face everyday wondering if I am doing the best I can and making a difference at all. Do I even deserve to make a difference? 

Mostly, I just wonder why I take meds if I constantly have to have them changed or they only work for so long. I don’t know. Hopefully it’s just a bad day/week. Mostly I just hope that the rest of my life seems a little easier. 

Out of Bed

I finally got out of bed at 12:30 this afternoon.  Just in time  to see Bob come in and talk to him for a bit.  I’m eating some lunch now and wondering what I’m going to do the rest of the day.  I;ve already done my reading for school and need to work up my response to it.  I think I can have fun with it–it’s about book reviews and I will write about my experience doing them for ten years.

I miss those days.

Now I can hardly bring myself to read at all outside of class. I’m not sure why.  I’d rather sleep than read.

 


Weekly Wrap-Up October 17, 2016

Mood Last week’s depression subsided, but was followed with a week full of anxiety. At least twice I almost went to full blown meltdown. I staved off the anxiety attacks by centering and breathing. Not easy to do when your mind is racing, heart is racing and your body is shaking violently. I hated the feelings, of course, but it…

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Stressssss

f5cf298783e1bb239adb08fb4ba1d4b8Stress is like a hissing cobra, poised to strike, 24-7. When you are doing constant battle with the demons known as bipolar and anxiety disorder…That cobra is at your ankles and so close, you can feel its breath on your skin and know any moment the fangs could sink in and poison you to death.

(If you have nightmares due to that image, well, join the club cos after downloading it, I dreamed of cobra attacks last night.)

My mood is holding steady. Which in bipolar terms, means I still have highs and lows, but rather than falling down a whole staircase…I miss a couple of steps. I don’t like it, but I can live with it.

Anxiety, however, heightened by the lottery of life’s shit storms… That threatens to swallow me up whole.

Last week, I had to go to the food pantry because I ran out of fruit and veggies. Not an apple or canned green bean in the cabinet. Not the first time I’ve gone to a food pantry, mind you, but humbling anyway. I thought this child support was supposed to improve our lives. Instead it is a hindrance and I am further behind than I ever was. Fuck a fancy bag of fuck knuckles.

Friday night, texting Chihuahua kept nibbling at my ankles and I sent him a rather forceful reply about how I have a life and if I find the part, I will let him know. Told him to stop being a texting chihuahua cos my ankles hurt. I thought he might take the fucking hint.

Nope. 9:30 that night he called and told me to find a BIOS for this computer he has so he can get a home computer going. I told him I’d look into it. He said, No, get it downloaded and I’ll come right over tonight. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? I asked to speak to Mrs R and kind of unloaded on her about how he has constantly bugged me and would she just make him go to sleep so my brain can have a break.

Well, shitstorm started. Because I want a day without him gnawing at my ankles, I am ungrateful user. Even though I took a real Saturday then did some of his bidding Sunday. All I got in return was “coolness”. Not thanks for being on top of this, nope. Just…Fuck it. I don’t care anymore.

On the plus side, found out there is nothing wrong with the car heat. Just didn’t realize this Buick requires you to turn the vent on for the blowers to work.

On the “fuck me, are you kidding side…”

That muffler rotted off. Now I am driving this loud ass car and worried I am gonna get a ticket for excessive noise or harmful emissions. And the whole system is going to cost close to two hundred bucks but most of that is labor. My stepmom made it clear they won’t even do the work if I buy the parts. Burned my bridges with R.

Stressssssss.

I pay for good days either way. Contrary to what the shrinks think, though, it’s not the things going wrong that bring my mood down. It makes me panic, sure, but I’m not in the bathroom drinking bleach and bawling. Life goes on, even if life is being pretty shitty to me.

Stresssss. That constantly poised to strike hissing venomous menace.

Was I so wrong to be so irked with R about him bugging me so late on a Friday night?I mean, it’s not like I am getting paid. I am not on a contract of employment. Frankly, I’ve had less demanding bosses I was under contract to and getting paid for. But really, it was Friday night, my kid was at Grandma’s (I had to send her away just to get a break from all her fucking friend drama) and dad and stepmonster had just come into town to haul away all the broken toys and fans and I just wanted to watch my show and decompress.

But it’s never enough for R. He lives and breathes work and he thinks everyone around him should, too. I can’t keep up. Especially when reminded frequently that I’ve been a massive fuck up lately.

But ya know, I always said I had a reason for not cutting ties to him…Now that I have pissed him off royally…of course, the car needs work.

I am so stressed to the max. I’m even three dollars short on paying car insurance so they will probably cancel me. (We had to have gas and food, ffs.)

I am so sick of whining about money problems but I find…it’s a common theme these days for a lot of people. And it wears you down.

Probably why I’ve been signing up for any sweepstake that even has a prepaid gift card or debit card. Now that the car is broken (functionally broken) that is gonna take from what little Christmas for Spook budget.

But ya know…I am still here and kicking so…What doesn’t kill me will only make me stronger…Ya know…to wield the Z Whacker.

And that concludes the “woe is me” portion of this rant.

I am going to go check on my spider. Yes, we have this spider outside that has spun the most beautiful web from the patio table umbrella to the step. Like a foot wide and six feet in length. I admire that fastidious lil critter.

And the decor works for the season, right?


Mania #5: What, How, Why

This is Part 1 in a 5-Part Series: 
"When the World is Too Bright: An Intensive View of Mania from On the Ground"

This is my fifth mania in the nine years since I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. However, just because this is my fifth mania doesn’t mean that the experience of the mania this time around hasn’t been rough. I have been manic every year since 2013. Yup. 2013. 2014. 2015. And now 2016. My mania manifests pretty similarly each episode. For instance, I typically experience heightened creativity and productivity, a heightened libido, impulsivity, spending sprees, weight loss, loss of appetite, and sleep disturbances.

The creativity and productivity feel incredible. I feel an intense need to create when I am manic. During my third mania (in 2014), I started blogging about my mental health journey. During my fourth (in 2015), I began a memoir and founded two companies. However, this creativity and productivity are not without their share of problems for me. When I first started blogging, I encountered boundary issues with what and whom I wrote about. The two companies I founded set me back about $8,000 in incorporation costs and website creations. I also shop more. Over the life course of my disorder, I have charged around $30,000 on my credit cards. I am currently still in credit card debt. Thus, the temporary nature of my manic episodes have long-lasting consequences for me.

Yet, this is the first manic episode that did not result in a hospitalization. In the past, mania meant being hospitalized. My manias take me so high, so quickly that in order to head it off at the pass, I check myself into the hospital. But for my current manic episode, I am managing with IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) only. I attend IOP two days per week for 3.5 hours each day.

During this current episode, I got the idea to re-brand my life coaching company as a wellness company focused on promoting self-care. I stayed up all night writing feverishly and researching best practices for self-care for the company. I became really excited because I discovered that I could turn what I once perceived as a manic financial blunder – starting a life coaching company in the first place - into a viable source of income. It was almost confirmation that my manic-self knew something my stable-self did not. However, once I was not sleeping through the night, I knew I was in trouble.

I knew the excitement I was experiencing was more than just normal excitement. I was less vigilant than normal about having symptoms of mania because it was not springtime. All of my previous manias occurred between the months of February and June. Now, in September 2016, I exhibited symptoms. I didn’t know what to make of this change to my norm.  

In response to the appearance of symptoms of mania, I increased the number of acupuncture sessions I received from once every three weeks, to two to three sessions per week. I also started taking my medicine consistently once again. Since the summer, I had been inconsistently adhering to my psychiatric medicine routines for various reasons - chief among them, I am just tired of taking pills. I have been a compliant patient ever since I learned of my diagnosis. With the exception of my first mania and my current manic episode, my manias are generally caused by medicine changes my psychiatrist ordered (e.g. one medicine caused liver toxicity so I had to come off it). However, this current mania is my fault and I can definitely say “lesson learned.” As a result of my veering from my medicine routine, I have added an additional year to my graduate schooling since I am currently enrolled less than half-time. There will be no more inconsistent medicine usage on my part.

Tune in tomorrow for part two in the series...

Pills

I haven’t started my new pills yet. I am afraid.

I’ll start them eventually. I just need some time to be mostly drug free. Weed doesn’t count.

I’ll start Weds when mom gets here. I’ll be surrounded by a lot of love then.