Daily Archives: October 15, 2016

Psychiatrist Dr. Manipod’s “Have You Been Hit With Autumn Anxiety?”

Originally posted on Freud & Fashion:
I noticed a pattern in several of my Instagram posts the last few weeks: a sense of being hard on myself, feeling like I haven’t been productive enough, lacking any sense of accomplishment, feeling as if there’s no time in the day to get through my task list, etc.…

Don’t Worry, I Only FEEL Like I’m Gonna Die

A few days ago…when?  I can’t tell.  Leave me alone.  I was camping in a Cracker Barrel parking lot.  They let you do that: good for business.  All night, revolving on the rotisserie of chills and sweats and pain and chills and sweats…happens sometimes, no one knows or cares why, so I grumbled and ate their lousy breakfast and went on.

A day of elevated mood is always welcome, so I enjoyed that one, the day after the bad night, who knows, who cares.  I do.

Then it hit me like a wall and sent me scurrying to the health food store for homeopathic remedies, Chinese herbs, bee products, healthy meats and vegetables…bargaining, I think they call it?

But no avail, the virus has a foothold, and now it’s the headache, the exhaustion, the total body crushing pain, hyperacusis, desperate thirst, irritability, sweats and chills, and…need I say more?

The Flu.

Is it the flu?  Sure feels like it.

Then I should be on that antiviral…but according to the CDC, there is no flu here.  Really?

It’s the weekend.  Doctors are closed.  The ER?  Fuck a bunch of ER, I’m not going.

It’s the heaviness in my chest that worries me a bit, but…nah, it will pass.

It’s just that I have to get to Chapel Hill on Tuesday.  My baby boy will be defending his Ph.D. dissertation and I must be there.  I must!  So this must pass.

I only feel like I’m dying.  I’m not really.


Standing

Standing is hard. It’s something that requires a certain amount of strength and emotional stability. I’m pretty open about sharing, if you haven’t figured that out yet 😂, but people why away from discussing or talking with me. I have considered thisbis because I express my thoughts in a way that it is hard for people to find me approachable. However, if you never even try can you really blame me. I enjoy chatting and having conversations, even when someone disagrees with me. I have the ability to say, ” I see your argument, but I choose not to agree with it”. It doesn’t mean I hate you, or want to try to make you think like I do. I’m not trying tonine up you or force you into a different opinion. I simply feel like everyone should have the opportunity to say what they think and feel. Maybe someone changes their mind, but mostly I think you just move on agreeing to disagree. People are very able to do that. It has to do with not allowing our emotions to control us. 

Being Bipolar adds a whole other side to this that simply drives me crazy. I do so much better when I have time to really think about what I want to say. And in certain situations I get carried away and over react. I am generally pretty good at admitting it and apologizing but there have been times when I don’t know how much I hurt someone for months, when there the was no intended harm done. Those situations are the hardest. Mostly because I very rarely actually remember the offending event because it was so long ago. And that leaves me without a real ability to be sympathetic and apologize in a satisfactory way. 

I don’t understand why people say,”don’t talk about politics or religion”. Fundamentally I understand what the goal is here. But how can we ever stand up or truly know anyone when you refuse to talk about things that are often the most important to a specific person. How can we ever know each other or have good relationships when we can’t be completely honest and truthful with each other. 

We are pretty honest in our family. I ask my husband a LOT of crazy questions. It took a while but now he just answers them in whatever way he thinks is true and real. Most of the time we agree, sometimes we don’t, but we are able to have discussions that don’t always end up with us on the same side. However, we always keep loving each other, we have for the most part learned to agree to disagree(depending on the topic). I find myself needing to talk to him and ask my questions. Sometimes he says “ya that’s not how most people think about it”, or “I see what you’re saying but I don’t get it.” Sometimes I have to ask twice because he has to process the question. I think about some pretty deep off the wall stuff. 

I’m not sure if you can tell that by most posts, I’m sure you can. But I long for someone else to talk to and converse with. My husband probably wouldn’t mind sharing that part either. 😬 But it seems that I am one of very few people in this city, state, country….world who enjoy difficult conversations and learning how to better control my thoughts and emotions. Also, because I pick up on under currents. When people make comments I can often feel that there is something extra or that a general statement isn’t in fact general but addressed to me. I hate that!! If you have something to say say it and we will deal with it. The problem with that is that people only want to share what they have to say and not listen to what the other person is saying. And if you are too vocal or pushy about making a point then you are the one that is out of line. It doesn’t help that I feel these things. I am not stupid, but I also have this sense that as I get older I realize most people don’t have. I have see behavioral situations differently than most people. I can predict outcomes with a startling accuracy. For most of my life I believed that everyone could do this and I couldn’t understand why those around me didn’t see it the same way. I have figured out a little bit at a time that this is a gift and not only that but one not many people have. I often wonder if it isn’t the blessing side of the Bipolar thing. But it totally makes sense to me being that bipolar is a mental and emotional deficit. Why wouldn’t it be able to swing back the other way and bring amazing things. It seems like most of my life has been a lot of back and forth between good and bad. 

Anyway, I love hearing other people’s thoughts and opinions. I definitely have my own but we only grow when we open up and are willing to learn or consider things from a different perspective. My personal belief is that people’s unwillingness to stand up, in the right way, is the biggest problem we have in this country. People are constantly looking for ways to profit or win, not necessarily by breaking the rules but by finding the crack in the middle. Example: usually the band doesn’t play for most of the time a football game is going on, so as not to distract the players. Last night the visiting team at our high school team prides itself on being very loud(they were, simply talking about and I loved them) and so they were loud. They were loud through most of the game and I believe they helped to through off our boys. But of course no one says anything because it’s not exactly not allowed it’s more of a respect or courtesy thing. Well, to me I see a team that had a lot of big players and an incredibly loud band that helped to totally whoop our boys. Of course, I am a little prejudice, but I already said I thought their band was awesome. I ever stood up after they performed at halftime. Obviously, I don’t know what would have happen with the band doing what it did. But our boys are taught to follow the rules and play the way they are supposed to. Our announcer is as neutral as he can be. Which can’t be said for many of the other schools. And it’s just painful to watch them work so hard and give so much meanwhile watching the other team do something unfair. 

I just want someone to stand up. I want someone to seek fact instead of hearsay. I want someone to stand up for the ones who really try to play by the rules. It is becoming more and more clear that people aren’t going to stand up. People are going to sit down and keep their mouths shut in an effort to keep the peace. And today we have to think about possibly getting shot or stabbed for standing up. Well I have decided it’s ok if I die standing up for what is right. I hope that doesn’t happen but I really can’t be the one who sits still and quiet. I can’t be the one that gives up and just allows things to pass her by. It’s a hard stance and one that often comes with anxiety,sorrow, and pain. But it would make it so much worse if I did nothing. 

I can feel things. I can see things behaviorally that other people can’t see. There are things that I just know, I don’t know why I just do. And it isn’t an I think so kind of thing. These things I can see with absolute clarity. It isn’t a question and it isn’t negotiable. I don’t have any control it’s just different situations here and there. How awesome would it be if I could control it?!? I guess that’s the beauty of a gift. We are only asked to use it, notbunderstand it. I will leave you with this. It makes me incredibly sad that no one stands up anymore. That even the good people and those who are trying stay seated and watch the wrong thing happen. I keep saying I need to be that person. But the truth is that will never be me. I will always stand in my own way and I will never stand for what I think is wrong. 

I would however LOVE to talk to anyone about anything. I need to be tested and questioned. The only thing I ask is for fairness. Don’t try to manipulate what I say then use my words for evil. I want to share and I want to grow. It just seems that it’s pretty much everyone else that has forgotten or chosen not to stand. 


Life Is Turned Upside Down

Well, it just takes one little conversation to turn life upside down sometimes.  In this particular instance, it was my dear sister whom I live with, who came down to “check in” with me, and informed me that she “needs her space” and needs me to move out of her house.  Boy I did not see that one coming.  While it’s true that there’s been times I’ve felt unwelcome here, I thought that overall she saw my being here as a benefit when it comes to her two kids, and having an extra adult in the home.  I guess not.

 So, a little bit of turmoil.  No, lots of turmoil.  Because the money I’m making right now isn’t enough to support me in my own place.  And the last time I had a full-time job, I was so stressed out, and wanted to die, on the regular.  And now, I’m looking at having to get another full-time job.  Ready or not.  Well or not.  Able or not.  So, with a gag in my throat, I have applied for three IT jobs today.  Really, they’ll probably all laugh me out of the room.  I haven’t worked in the field in 2 ½ years.  Fuck me!  But, what am I supposed to do?  This is an expensive-as-hell town and I need to make some money.  Oh God, this is so not me…..

 Have I mentioned that I basically hate my sister for putting me in this situation?  I know, I know, she has a right to her space.  It’s her house, if she wants me to move out, she has a right to ask.  But Jesus Christ!  Does she realize what a fucking crisis this is creating for me?????

Well enough of this Debbie Downer post.  I don’t know what to tell you, or ME, for that matter.  Life has to go on.  I think.  I HAVE thought about just killing myself to get out of this difficult situation.  But once again I think about all the people I’d hurt, and I’m like, fuck, I better live.  DAMMIT!!


Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar and Work Tagged: Bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, Blogging, Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Moving, Psychology, Reader, Suicide

Transparency

Ponderosa Pine needles
stuck in my sock
Dust of the hiking trail falls
like chalk off my shoe
The magic of the mountains simultaneously
takes my breath away and
restores my ability to breathe
My pace just naturally slows.
undue pressure I constantly feel is lifted
The rat race that is my mind
is resting at the gate
Things seems simpler at 8,000 feet
Clear crystal blue lake water
Speaks to transparency of life
No secrets held here
From bottom to the top
All can be cherished for what it is
If only this fantasy could carry over
Guidiance in the notion
I too am free
to just be
ME


Medication Chronicles

I want so badly not to need medication. I play with fire and just slowly stop taking them. I’m not convinced they are truly making a difference. I arbitrarily take my lithium here and there and there are other times I have been in compliance for 6 months straight. No difference. Mood swings all over the place. Intense anxiety. Deep depression. Suicidal ideation. Mania. Doesn’t matter. My closest attempt occurred when I was taking 3 medications religiously.
I worry about my thyroid, my liver. I’ve had almost all my hair fall out and a dangerous rash. One med made me so restless and agitated I had to stop taking it. My doctor is convinced lithium is working because I’m still here. Is that the marker for success? I can be suffering non stop, but as long as I don’t jump its all good. That’s no quality of life. I wholeheartedly disagree. But, I’m running out of options. I’ve tried all the med combos, even including an antidepressant w my mood stabilizer.
I don’t know. I seem to be “okay” not taking meds right now. I do still take trazadone because I absolutely cannot sleep on my own. I worry I’m dependent on it, but without sleep I become more vulnerable to symptoms. This dance isn’t very comfortable. I tend to want to be the lead. The voice in my head tells me I may need meds but they don’t truly help me. They poison me. Maybe my body and mind are treatment resistant.
I open the small cabinet that houses my medication shelf each night. I stare in. Blue bottle tops blur together. I’m not necessarily overwhelmed as I am sad.