Daily Archives: October 13, 2016

Wanting

I want to do some things, does that mean the depression is leaving? I dunno, I’m not actually motivated enough to do anything of the things I want to do.

Need to get ready for mom, since she will be here in less than a week. So need to dust and vacuum the guest bedroom and bathroom. I just need to get off my lazy ass.

6 days and counting.

 


Fuck Knuckles

Two good days, two blah days (likely not helped by the wet gloomy weather). Today I woke up and immediately was besieged with sinus drainage that kept me coughing and choking. All the while my spawn kept asking what was wrong. Cos ya know when you’re choking on sinus fluid, THAT isn’t self explanatory at all. I HATE this newfound sinus problem I didn’t have in my younger years. If this is a peek at my future aging process…Z Whack me already.

Fuck knuckle old age ailments.

So today started out gloomy and cold and I figured it’d be one of those “I feel like a loser but can’t get out of bed” days. Instead...I went a little hypomanic and got a few things done, fixed a problem at the shop that got the texting chihuahua off my ankles, cleaned up my kid’s room somewhat, I washed dishes (ya know, by the the third time of rinsing off a fork when you need a clean one, it’s kinda time) and I ran errands for R to earn smokes. Got the kid homeworked and fed (leftover spaghetti made it easy) and now…I’ve caught up on all  my shows, am pissed off cos the fuck knuckle world series means no new Empire for awhile, and I am hoping the support check comes tomorrow cause I am down to my last trash bag.

But the brain behaved, in a way where numerous times, I thought, wow, I feel GOOD. Not ecstatic or whirlwind productive, but just…Good. Sun out, cool breeze, good for mental state. Sucky for watching stuff on an LCD screen cos the glare is horrendous.

I’ve had a few good days and already feel like my freak out in demanding an earlier appt with the shrink was idiotic. But I know how fast the tumble and crash comes on, so a preemptive strike is not idiotic at all. It amazes me how a few good mental health days can make me forget for the most part that my brain is a pain in the ass and I almost convince myself I am normal, this is IT,I am cured.

If only.

But no boohooing. That will come soon enough, no doubt.

P.S.

Clown lives really aren’t a big political issue as most of them are killer clowns so this whole “clown lives matter” thing is pretty fucking stupid.

And people mock the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Not nearly as freaky as clowns.

 


Here’s My Post

Due to technical trouble, again, most of you did not receive a notification of today’s post. I apologize. Hopefully things are in working order again, so here’s the link to my post this morning: A Love Story – Throwback

The post Here’s My Post appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

Horrid

I don’t want to be a writer today.  I just feel horrid about it.  Why am I even bothering?  Every time I think I have this rejection thing down pat, along comes one that just knocks me off my feet.  I think I’ve gotten four rejections this week.  I’ve lost count. Maybe it’s the number I am getting rather than the quality of them.   I don’t know. All I know if that I’m tired of trying right now and I don’t know what else to do with myself.


On The Road to Publication: Covering My Bases

  Separated at birth? Dear Friends, Another week has flown by, and I hope that you’re doing well. When I told my therapist that it seems like a hard time for so many of us, she agreed. She said she knew two people who recently died by suicide, and she noticed more clients are in … Continue reading On The Road to Publication: Covering My Bases

The Wrong Opinion

Trigger Warning: women

It wouldn’t be the first time I have had the wrong opinion in my life. And this subject is as serious as they come, but I am very frustrated. 

No one has ever or will ever touch me or talk to me in a way that I don’t approve of. I can’t even list how many comments have been made to me over the years. I would really like to list some of them but 1) some of them are really bad, and 2) I don’t believe that using inflaming wordage does anyone any good on any topic. 

However, this is my opinion. I do not believe that women as a whole are weak. I have a friend that was hit about a year into her marriage. She immediately filed for divorce. I know several women who were raped as children or young people that have stepped out and spoken about what has happened to them. And they reach out where and when they can to other young girls to make sure they have the tools they need to prosper. 

I know that it isn’t the proper women’s thought but it is hard for me when grown women(who were grown women at the time, years ago) didn’t report or scream that they were assaulted. I mean. What is wrong with our country and the way we are raising our girls that even as adults we will allow a man to assault us and keep our mouth shut for years. As you can see I am working on the assumption that these women are telling the truth, although quite honestly I just do not understand how you decide to come out of hiding 10,15,20 years or more later. 

This bothers me in a fundamental level so much. And after the years and years we have spent trying to empower women and create an environment that they feel safe to report, that in fact isn’t true. Apparently women as no further along in the strength to report than we were probably beforeni was born. I do not understand. I’m not sure there is a single women I know who would allow someone to assault and attack them and say nothing. 

I do not understand women who seek to destroy people because they can. That believe they are “allowed” simply because they use assault wordage. I know that robably most people don’t agree with me but fair is fair and fact is fact. Coming out years later and trying to destroy someone isn’t fair to them and i would imagine it would put that woman’s life in a upheaval because media doesn’t respectfully treat very many people. 

Also, it is sad to me that we have created a vacuum in this country where we automatically believe any women who comes forward, regardless of the person involved, and whether there are cameras around. I am automatically leary of anyone that does anything in front of cameras. If you can’t open all of your life then you shouldn’t be opening only a small part of it. 

To be clear I know and believe there are many women out there that are assaulted and never report. I believe they hold so many emotions that they often have a hard time picking their life up and becoming self sufficient. However, those women aren’t in TV talking about it years later using it to get their 15 minutes of fame. I know there are many people who disagree with me. And I do completely understand. I just do not understand. I probably never will. 

I realize this probably isn’t a position most women have but it makes me tired and frustrated when women report or speak out only in a way that destroys and ruins the life and work of a specific person without the use of our court system and having proof. It is fundamentally unfair. And many times those accusations are never proven or taken back. It’s just sad to me! 

Sorry for the weird random post. If you hate it, I get it. Please don’t leave. I will get back to normal next time. 😀


A Love Story – Throwback

Today’s Throwback was originally posted March 4, 2013. I’d forgotten how sappy it was. About a decade ago I was in a relationship that ended badly – very badly. I mean World War III badly. It just didn’t end well at all. Afterwards I did something I very rarely do, I learned from the experience. I promised myself that I…

The post A Love Story – Throwback appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

If My Therapist Won’t See Me Anymore, Is That A Graduation or a Break-Up?

My next session with my therapist will be my last.

We had planned to continue seeing each other through the end of the year, but through an insurance glitch we discovered that I am only covered through one more session.  Next year her insurance changes, and I won’t be able to see her then.

SO.  Here we are – the end of the road.  She says I’m ready to be therapy-free, and she’s maybe right.  Obviously with bipolar disorder there’s no guarantee I won’t end up back in therapy at some point (actually, it’s veritably guaranteed that I will…), but it won’t be with her and it won’t be this year – the year I was diagnosed, the year that my life was blown to pieces and then built up again, and the year that I learned to let go.  It’s been a crazy twelve months, and I have put a lot of my heart and soul into that well-worn therapy couch.  This is a significant ending to me.

I don’t know how to feel about our last session.  Should I be happy?  Sad?  Hmmm…maybe I will talk to my therapist about it.😉  I told her I’m bringing cake to celebrate, but I don’t know what to have the bakery people write on the cake.  Here are the main contenders:

“Congrats Therapy Class of 2016”

“To Never Coming Here Again”

“I Won’t Get Crumbs on the Couch”

“Feeling All the Feels”

“Sorry For All the Kleenex I Used”

It’s weird to think of life beyond therapy.  I’m glad that my therapist has confidence in my stability, but I feel a little like I did when my parents took away my yellow blankie when I was six years old.  The blanket had become so ragged and dirty that it had long been unable provide any warmth, but it was my blankie.  I was not at all confident that I could survive to see my seventh birthday if I didn’t have that blankie.  But I did turn seven…and seventeen…and twenty-seven, and life went on like they promised it would.  I’m hoping it will be the same here: scary at first, but surprisingly okay.

I don’t know how to say goodbye at the end of next session.  It’s a weird thing, therapy.  This person knows all of your deepest secrets, and then one day it’s simply, “Bye.  Have a great life.”  Does this strike anyone else as incredibly odd?  Who invented therapy?  Did they write a manual on how to say goodbye properly?  Am I supposed to cry?  Am I supposed to hug her?  I’m so not hugging her.  I’m not very huggy.  I want her to know how much she helped me, but I don’t want to get all gushy about it.  Maybe I’ll put it on the cake: “Thanks.  You’re sweet like cake.”  I’ll let the frosting convey my sentiments.

Also, I would like to point out that even though she repeatedly said that there are no grades in therapy, I am taking her approval of my moving on as a tacit passing grade.  If she won’t give me the grade, I’ll give me the grade.  I’m a teacher, so I think I’m authorized to do that: HAZEL THERAPY 2015/16:  PASS.  PROMOTED TO NEXT LEVEL OF INDEPENDENCE.

I don’t know about this, blog world…you’re about to see untherapized Hazel.  Let’s hope she’s as ready for this as my therapist says she is.


You Can Go Home…

Okay, I guess it is time I did some actual writing instead of featuring everyone else! I could give excuses like I have been depressed the last several days, or I am busy cleaning and packing, or my pain levels … Continue reading

My Mom

My mom is going to be here in a week. She’ll stay for a month or so. Usually we have a pretty good hang. I’m looking forward to it actually.  I’m even looking forward to my trip to Colorado but still terrified, you know THAT feeling.

Haven’t felt motivated today at all, just am honestly blogging because I thought of it. I don’t want to be a quitter. I do enjoy writing about how I am feeling. Right now I am feeling umm trapped kinda, it’s weird. Though since I rarely go outside, I can truly understand why I would feel that way.

Depression is lingering, not motivated like I said before. Like right right there…^