Daily Archives: October 10, 2016

Confidence

I am by nature a very confident person. As I have grown and learned I have realized that people view confidence as the inability To budge or to be open minded. Honestly, I can understand and see how that happens. I don’t do a lot of saying things like “in my opinion” or “I could be wrong”. I try to keep a healthy balance but I have learned that just by the ease of thought it seems that I have no wiggle room in my thoughts or opinions. It’s not true, all you have to do is ask my husband to find out that half the time I don’t even know what my thoughts are. I do speak and share with confidence. Because I am confident in my experiences, thoughts, and feelings. If someone gives me the chance I will share my thoughts from start to finish. I will explain what has happened and what I have learned and why I have learned it. I do have strong opinions and I won’t apologize for that. 

I have been a leader for most of my life whether I want to or not. I have been asked countless times to try to help and not make things worse, to be quiet, to not be so forceful with what I believe. It isn’t something that I realized wasn’t normal until well into being an adult. Most people aren’t asked to “be in a good mood” or “realize that my attitude effects others.” I guess it does happen but I’m not sure how many have ever truly felt responsible for the happiness of the people around them. I used to wonder how and why I had so much control, I didn’t want it and I sure hate the way that it often makes me feel. 

I am very isolated by my words and my willingness to use facts to make my points. While I am a very emotional and I love psychology and the way the mind works I like facts, I like the truth, and I like for people to speak clearly so that they can be understood. I don’t like mind games and I don’t like to feel like I am being lead somewhere or someone is trying to box me in or make fun of me. 

I don’t know if this is some kind of  hyperconsciousness that I have because of the Bipolar or if it is a seperate but equally difficult characteristic. But I do know that it isn’t something everyone can do. We all at one time or another question the motives of the people around us. But for me it’s often like I can FEEL it and it messes with my mind and soul. I have noticed that people often shy away from conversations with me. I am old enough now to realize that people can’t handle my intensity. But that doesn’t by any means mean I am unable to allow different thoughts or approaches. There are many many things that I don’t believe are important enough to destroy any friendship or relationship. But there are the tough issues, the ones that no one wants to talk about, that I believe are exactly what we should be talking about. I have the strength and confidence to tackle these issues. To be brutally honest and open up my life and mind to the people around me. It isn’t really easy most of the time but I can feel to the depth of my soul how important these things are. There are many things that fall under this category but if you aren’t willing to hear me out you will never know the answer. Generally people like to put me in a category, mother, friend, loves God, wife, pro life, pro military, I love America. Most of these are simple some people do some people don’t. But I am consistently judged because of my love for God. I’m not hear to judge you. Most people in general know when they are doing something that is wrong anyway. For the others it’s no wonder when you look at and review the situations in which these people grew up and how they were raised. If I say the word God people shouldn’t automatically hate me, I don’t believe that now or ever has that been what God wanted for His children. But still… I have to fight for every little inch I can get because too many people have gone before me and messed things up. People have things they automatically think of when you say Christian and most of those things aren’t true of people I know who are Christians. Sorry got a little off topic. 

I do know that my feelings, especially of love seem to have a depth that isn’t always the norm. When my step daughter came back home and started talking to us in 2012 she came with 2 kids. One we had already met and the second we had never met. I loved these boys from day one. They call me nana. But that’s not the story, my husband told me I guess about 6 months after that first visit that Jessica had told him she didn’t know how I was going to act. And it took a few visits to figure out I wasn’t doing what I was doing for show. He said he told her, ” no that’s her, she’s loves them, and she loves being around them.”  First it made me smile because he is so right. Then it made me sad that people live lives and are around people that would have them thinking someone wouldn’t be sincere. And even more sad….that people are insincere and use children as weapons. I love those babies, I love their Mom with a fierceness that shows how much they mean to me. My husband has told me I am love more times than I can count. That there is no alterior motive or reason I would pretend. If I love you I love you forever. Some people have moved on and some have left knowing that they lost my love. But that number is very small. I don’t believe that love changes, wavers, or goes away. Love is not conditional and it should always be given with confidence. I don’t have a problem with confidence. 

I still tell my boss from my last job every time I see her that I love her. Maybe it matters to her, maybe it doesn’t. But if someone remembers me and says, I love that girl. Then I have truelly been the confident loving person that I work so hard to be. I am confident in the majority of my assessments, thoughts, and feelings. Not because I am so special but because I have a lifetime of experience and I have learned to trust my instincts. There are some things I do simply because I get a feeling and it never fails to have had a reason. 

I hope that people in my life can laugh with me and love with me. That they feel free to have discussions that are hard but needed. And I pray my confidence will be based on truth and fact. Sorry this went off topic a little

Be blessed! Have a great week!!


We Are Family

It’s coming up on three months since Will passed, and his absence is still so keenly felt that it takes my breath away sometimes. The enormity of what I have lost is overwhelming; I see all these couples everywhere, and for a moment I often find myself filled with rage that it’s not US anymore…it’s just me, going on alone.

But I’m not alone.

I am blessed with what is arguably THE best support system ever created by human beings. I have a great many friends both in real life and online, but my family—especially the part of it that I live with—is particularly awesome. They are here for me whenever I need them, and even when I think I don’t. They’re the reason I’m doing as well as I am…there is always a shoulder to cry on, and strong arms to hold me when I fall apart. Clark’s mother, Shelley, is also a valuable asset as she is well-versed in widowhood, and she often has the perfect answers to my questions about what to expect as I learn to go on without Will.

I have other family members who have also been wonderful to me as we mourn him. But they have their own lives to live, and we don’t communicate as often as I would like. I have to remember that they, too, have lost an important person in their lives, and they are probably struggling with it just as I am. I remember how it was when my own father died, how bereft I felt of the parent who had made family his priority too. People like that are irreplaceable, and often the remaining parent doesn’t measure up.

Even so, being in the warmth of kith and kin fills me with contentment. I love nothing better than evenings spent together in front of a roaring fire from the pellet stove, sharing a meal and talking about the issues of the day (or our next vacation, which is one of my personal favorite topics!). I miss Will’s presence at these gatherings sorely, but I’m learning to accept that this is as good as it’s ever going to get. Works for me.

 


Still Not Feeling It

I’m finding it super tough to find the joy in writing right now. I don’t even know if I posted anything yesterday. I just post when it pops in my head.

I’m about to play WoW with hubby so I’m gonna go do that.

Yeah.


Guest Post – Nechama Sklar

I have wanted to have guest posts for awhile now and I am so pleased to feature Nechama today. We met through the Chronic Illness Bloggers Network. After her poem is a small write-up on her and I encourage you … Continue reading

World Mental Health Day: Psychological First Aid


World Mental Health Day: Psychological First Aid

 Filed under: Mental Health Tagged: catastrophe, crisis, crisis intervention, loss, psychological first aid, psychosocial support, sudden loss, trauma, WHO, World Federation for Mental Health, World Health Organization, World Mental Health Day

Weekly Wrap-Up October 10, 2016

Mood I’ve been so depressed it’s depressing. It hit on Monday and pretty much stayed with me throughout the week. It’s the worst I’ve had in a while. Monday’s are always difficult even if I’m not depressed. Maurice and I talked and he suggests I need to stop working on Mondays. No writing, no dusting, no laundry, dishes, etc. Just…

The post Weekly Wrap-Up October 10, 2016 appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

A Little Wild

The kids are out of school, but we’re not slowing down.  The middle one had a doctor’s appointment this morning for her sinus infection, and the oldest has an appointment this afternoon for her jaw pain she’s had since Thursday.  So we are running around.

Building a good relationship with your pharmacy is important in any mental illness. I was shorted pills last month when I refilled my Buspar.  I found out when I ran out today, and they took me at my word when I called it in.  Twelve years of medication compliance paid off.

WE were all sick yesterday–assorted complaints throughout the family. SO we laid around and watched TV all day.  I feel better today so that is good.

I have a big chance to publish a piece with a BIG magazine that I hope to take advantage of. I’ve asked one of my professors to read my rough draft and help me make cuts, transitions, etc.  I’m really hoping I can come through with a good essay and get published in a wide audience.


Oh Me, Oh My: A Lament

Now I lay me down to sleep

It occurs to me, 

I am not even close to ready

For this week.

Responsibilities abound,

I accomplished nothing the past days

Piles of laundry overwhelm

A few dishes in my tiny kitchen.

No idea how I can bribe myself

To leave the house in upcoming days

For therapies, for appointments, for any reason at all

There is the dreaded appointment

Where I may finally learn about my chronic staph infection

But I care so very little, even about that

I just want to stay home and maybe sit on my porch,

Light incense and read books and not answer the phone

Avoid all those people out there

Who just want to help

By talking everything to death, over and over

That I’m trying so very hard to pretend doesn’t exist.


Filed under: Daily