Daily Archives: October 6, 2016

Just Didn’t Want To

I didn’t write a blog yesterday because I plain didn’t want to. I wasn’t in the mood to do a damn thing. Not much in the mood for writing today either but I hate to miss so many days so close together. Someone might actually read what I say. I dunno why, I feel like a dumb fuck. I feel terrified about going on the new antidepressant. Needless to say I’ve been all kinds of blah.

Blah.

 


Anxiety…..revisited

Anxiety is hard. As I spend more time pondering it and exactly what it means I realize that I probably have more anxiety than I thought I did. I have a list of things I like to do. Right now, and for about the last year, I crochet like in most of my free time. Over the years I have done other things, watched certain TV shows over and over. I cross stitched, read books one after another. It used to be a had about a 3 month cycle. Every 3 months what I wanted to do changed. 

So I guess in many ways sticking with crocheting for over a year now is an accomplishment. I still read and do other things but mostly I have made things for people. Recently, I told my husband I want to color. He looked at me and said no. I was like did you just tell me no?? He said yes because I know you and you already have a turtle family project to finish, and a huge tub full of pictures that need your attention so I’m saying you aren’t coloring until some of that is complete. Because I know you and you will start with crayons, and then you will need pencils, then markers, and who knows what else, so no. I of course said, so if I go through the tub of pictures I get to color right?!?! He said yes. I would like to tell you that I finished the turtle family for my daughter and they are amazingly cute. 

It’s kind of hard to see but they do have black eyes. She loves them and all the other kids in my life now want turtles. Lol

I also finished some ear warmers or headbands for a friend of mine. 

So aside from the pictures I have actually exceeded the things I needed to get done. Yay!! Good for me. Now if I can just work on those pictures a little bit at a time I will be coloring in no time. Lol

I tell you all of those and share my photos because I know that sometimes it’s really hard. Sometimes anxiety leaves us with a sense of unfinished business or leaves us feeling inadequate. It doesn’t seem like a lot but my husband has also told me many times he doesn’t know how I can sit and do my crocheting or cross stitching. It would make him go crazy. For me it’s complete control. I control how much I work on something or how perfect it is. I of course always look for the imperfections but I am told I am really pretty good at these things. And these things are what helps the most with my anxiety. After a long day all I want to do is sit down with my yarn and watch whatever show I am currently in the middle of. Right now it’s Gilmore Girls, but I have also watched NYPD Blue, Blue Bloods, Dexter, Leverage, and about once every year or 2 I watch Greys from the beginning all the way through. You would think it would get old but it doesn’t I still love it, even though I know the first few seasons of episodes almost by heart!! Hee hee


You can take your anxiety and that feeling of restlessness and turn into something amazing. This is what it is for me. I know a lady who shares the bipolar diagnosis that is an amazing seamstress. Seriously, I have stuff this woman made me as a kid and I have seen her add her presence through her gift to many houses over the years. My sister was a scrap booker for a while. I really believe everyone has something they can do or use to help them remain more calm. I am so excited I have these things. I love finding new projects and seeing the look on people’s faces when they see what I have made.

Anxiety sucks. Especially when you know logically there is really no reason for it. I am thankful to be capable enough to do things that I love to do and use them to give to the people I love. And don’t you worry that tub of pictures will be gone through soon and I will be doing some coloring. 

Be blessed today!! If I can help you in any way please feel free to contact me!!


Woman In The Mirror

I was never a huge Michael Jackson fan. However, some of his music really hits home. “Man In The Mirror” is one of those songs. I have been starting with the woman in the mirror for quite awhile now. I … Continue reading

Cocooning

Cocooning Recovering from social demands From social interaction From caring for others My son My husband My parents From caring about too many From caring too much You may not hear from me You may not read much from me…

I Have A Plan

I vacillate between trying very hard to use DBT skills and basic coping skills and all of the “tools in my toolbox” and throwing my hands up in the air.

The Rosa of the past didn’t believe in recovery, and the Rosa of the current still isn’t sure about “recovery” from mental illness, in general.  Do I think things can get better, yes.  Do I think they can stay that way, not really.

After my therapy session yesterday, I have come away with a few goals.  Goals that the Rosa of before would not have meshed with.

They are, in no particular order:

1) Daily hygiene every day, plus a bonus if I can put on makeup and try to pretty myself up.

2) Sun lamp 30 minutes, two times a day.

3) More time out of the house, doing what, it really doesn’t matter.

4) Eventually get back to the pool.  The staph infection issue is ongoing, so I can’t do much about this right now.

5) Stop thinking about the zebras.  You know, the zebras, the constant and negative thoughts that come from the brain.  Try replacing the zebras with a giraffe, or an elephant, or maybe a cute teacup pig.

I have come to the conclusion that I can’t fret about my weight too much at this point, because it is clear that it will be an extra-supreme challenge in which I may or may not have to make serious decisions.  The plan is to continue eating right, with small meals, and try to increase fruit/veggie intake.

Above all else, I will continue to avoid negativity and will cut it out of any corner of my life in which it will be lurking.  This may mean cutting some people out of my life, but so be it.  I actually went through the million blogs I follow and unfollowed some that are simply always so negative without even a hint of positivity or solutions that may be found.  Bloggers that wrote all the time about things that were triggering to me were deleted, too.  I hope someday I can come back and read some of those, but I simply can’t right now.  Chances are, it’s not your blog I stopped following.  Most of those people don’t read me.

I am going to have to do something different with jewelry/crafting, and I’m not sure what that is, but I’ll think of something.  I don’t think I am going to meet the October 14th deadline of having pieces in for the holiday show, but at this point I think it is more than I can manage.

I may be starting an adaptive yoga group that my art therapist is trying to get together.  I am excited about that.  As in, yoga I can actually do, maybe seated at a chair or in some other fashion.  I really hope she is able to get some numbers together so I can start that.

Day by day, broken down into manageable chunks, I will get through Fall, Winter, Hell of Winter, Spring of Winter.  I will because I always do, and there is no point in giving up now.


Filed under: Collection of Thoughts Tagged: a plan, adaptive yoga, anxiety, Bipolar, bloggers, blogging, depression, intrusive thoughts, reading blogs, small chunks, zebras

The Temperature Is Falling, And So Is My Mood

Well, goddamn.  Didja think it wouldn’t happen this year?  Well, yeah, I kinda forgot.  Here came the shorter days, the light changed and *BAM*, Superman, my mood took a dump.  GOD DAMN IT!!!  Why Lord WHY???  It’s like fucking magic!!!  The days get shorter, and I get fatter.  It’s just amazing.  Yet, it’s not.  It sucks.  And I had totally forgotten about THIS thought process while driving, and you see a stupid oncoming car, and you think “What if it hits me?” and then your next thought is “I don’t care, let me die.”  It’s such a bitter disappointment to be back to that.  SHIT!  It’s like all Spring and Summer, I didn’t even have to try.  And now, just as the light leaves, my mood dips, I get fat and lazy, and it’s time to go into overdrive with trying.  Trying to live.  Trying to be healthy.  Trying to exercise.  Trying to eat something besides sugar.  Trying to regulate my mood.  TRYING!!!  Oh fuck me I don’t know if I have the energy for all this trying.  And yet.  The looming threat of hospitalization can motivate even the laziest person, like me.  Thinking about being in the hospital, and having my phone taken away, and having these bitchy bitches waking me up at 5am for bloodwork, and having to go to Group Therapy to earn the right to go outside and smoke (I’m still not smoking but if I got hospitalized I would have to smoke)….well all these thoughts make me a little less lazy.  So!  I think I’ll drink a little more caffeine, and I’ll force myself to do a little work, before I force myself to take a shower, and then force myself to go to a meeting with Dr. Flaky, and then after that I’ll force myself to go to Costco.  And somewhere along the line I’ll forget that I’m forcing myself, and it’ll just feel like life again.  At least, that’s what I hope.


Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar and Seasonal Affective Disorder, Bipolar Fat, Psychology Shmyshmology Tagged: Bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, Blogging, Depression, Hope, Humor, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader, SAD, Seasonal Affective Disorder

Last nights supper

We have 3 kids that live at home. And one that lives about 3 blocks away with her two boys. Once or twice a week when everyone is gonna be home we have dinner. Somehow last night we got to talking about crazy and everybody’s different issues. My daughter says “you’re a special kind of crazy” and then immediately said “oh am I allowed to say that I mean we are all honest with each other” I said “ya you can say it, it’s true and your dad tells me all the time”. Then she said “are you better now or are you gonna cry”. I said no I’m good. And she said, “good cause that crap was getting old”. I laughed. I know that may sound like a strange conversation but I live in a fact based world. I often don’t care what something sounds like as long as it is a factual statement. I don’t know if you can relate but it’s very hard for me to have conversations or be around a bunch of people who are politically correct all the time or can’t face and live with facts the way they are. I enjoy that my family is able to live and love with our differences and that we are (mostly) free to be honest and share with each other when we are acting a little bit off. When you can learn to laugh about it it makes life so much easier. I think we want to badly to be viewed as normal that when things that are not normal are pointed out we have an emotional reaction instead of a logical one. I work very hard to try to control my emotions and to know that there are things in life that are just fact and that includes our own characteristics. 

I have been pondering normal this week too. Something hit me the other day and it simply won’t let go. Everyone is different, there is not a single person alive that is completely normal. Mostly because no one actually has a definition of normal. But still with the thought of reality and facts the truth is that I am not normal. I am far from normal. For most of my life I have behaved and talked like someone who is very different. Let’s be real, I am bipolar, and being that it is a real illness I have to accept that I am not and will never be normal. If everyone behaved like people who are bipolar THEN I would be normal. At least in this way. And let’s face the next fact, when you are bipolar you’re life will never be like those around you. You will have to be aware of your surroundings and your emotions everyday for the rest of your life. 

Much like my daughter said “are you gonna cry, or are you ok now”. Not only do I know when I am struggling but those closest to me know as well. I try to be open and honest about where I am at so that they know if I am struggling or not. But the reality is they have to deal with this too and that is why we laugh about it. That is why I am honest about where I am at mentally and that is why I choose to share my issues with those around me when the opportunity arises. 

In bad days I hate this so much! And I hate that I have been and will be carrying it my whole life. There are few other illnesses that work like mental illness. It isn’t cancer that, yes could kill you, but that you have a tangible threat. You know what you are fighting, and should you beat it, it is gone. 

Bipolar will never be gone. I can spend weeks or years stable and still it can come back to haunt me. It will always have a hold on me and it will always keep me from doing certain things because I want to be stable. See, I’m not that person that can work 40 hours and do everything else. Do I have the ability? Yea, I do. And if I had to I would do whatever it takes me take care of me and my family. However, 20-25 hours working a week is the perfect number for me. It I get up to 30 or more I can do the work but I basically shut down at home. I simply can’t handle all the stuff at both places when I am working long hours. There’s evidence. Last week I was really struggling and someone offered to take one of my shifts. I let them and had almost 2 days straight of just doing nothing and doing things around the house. It was just what I needed. At the end of day 2 I felt better and I didn’t hate people anymore. Lol. My husband said his Mom asked about me and he said “she hasn’t mentioned hating people in a couple days so she seems to be better.”  How great is it that my family puts up with me and has learned to laugh with me about the craziness in my mind. 

And don’t mix it up. I am a little bit crazy. I sometimes do things that don’t make sense and have no rhyme or reason. But if you can learn to laugh about it it’s not quite so hard. And we should be learning how to articulate our feelings. It’s not always possible but I have learned that there are ways of describing how we feel and what we are thinking. We have to work at it and we have to be able to look at ourselves and know that we are different but that we are awesome too! I have found that usually I can find some way to relate to people and help them to see what my life is like daily. There are certain things we all do in certain situations and heartbreak. The difference between me and then is they can process it and move on a lot faster than I can. And there is no forcing it. You have to learn what soothes you. What helps you to process what’s in your mind and keep going. And you have to give yourself as much time as you need and no one gets to say that but you. I probably have 3 or 4 cycles a year in all honesty. And my meds don’t always work the way they are supposed to. But compared to being unmedicated life is so different. And I will continue to take my meds because I see the results in the way they help me and the length of time it takes me to process. 

Make no mistake I am not normal, and most of the time that’s ok, but sometimes when it’s quiet and my mind is going I really hate this and long for just a moment where I can know how everyone else thinks and feels. Accepting I will never know that is a recurring and hard thought to have. But I will keep growing and learning and trying to help those around me see mental illness as something you live with not run from. 
On a good note. Got news last night one of the teams my son played in football had an ineligible player and forfeited all their games. That makes our boys undefeated!! It’s his Senior year and I am so so excited for them. Homecoming is tomorrow night and we hope for an awesome win!! Go Lions!!

Be blessed y’all and find something everyday to be happy about and hang on to. You aren’t alone and you can do this. 


Awake!

I spent last night tossing and turning but am surprisingly awake this morning. I have something to get out of bed for, which is my meeting to see if I will wind up teaching my adult Sunday School class.  SO I am excited and full of plans to discuss that.  We will see how it goes.

I’ve done the rest of Bob’s laundry already and am trying to get up the courage to work on mine.  I still need to sort my spring clothes away and get my fall ones arranged.  That may be a good way to use my time before my meeting today.  I will need to think about that.

I think I am going to do part of my bipolar story as my final project in Forms of Nonfiction.  I have a bit in mind–the one I plan to open the thesis with about me running away from home. I’ve sent it to three journals and have had it turned down, so I will try to make it better and try sending it out again after that.

All the new kids to the program are stressing out.  I think most of them bit off more than they could chew this first semester.  I tried to encourage them and hope I succeeded.  SO pray for them.


Going Through Some Stuff

Ready. Set. Sail! Alright tribe and friends, I have a question: How many times have you been in a situation where you basically explored all options and looked at things from every single angle you could find and could not for the love of Zeus figure out a way to solve the problem? Probably a … More Going Through Some Stuff

Empty

I don’t know what to say today. My day was really, really empty.  I spent most of it in the bed. I did get my husband’s laundry done and did get to my daughter’s shot visit–I woke up, looked at the clock, and shot out of bed.

On the plus side, I do have a talk scheduled with the minister in charge of Sunday School classes tomorrow at 9:30 a.m. to see if I can teach our Sunday School class at least for a .  while.    That has been a long time coming.  So please pray that if it is part of God’s plan, let it happen

I so want to be a voice of hope for my readers.  I don’t know if I am accomplishing that.  I am trying to think of what   else I can say here.  I may start exploring more of my diagnosis and what the various ones mean in my life,  I not only carry a diagnosis of bipolar disorder but of Borderline Personality DIsorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. BPD is particularly poorly understood–I may write a bit on that in the coming days.

Let me know in the comments if there is anything you need me to talk about.