Daily Archives: October 4, 2016

The Ten Things I Can’t Seem to Admit to in Therapy

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This will end up being a list post, but I want to first interject that it is hard as hell living with mental illness and every good day should be celebrated.  Don’t get me wrong, there HAVE been good days, and there will be more.  Right now, what I am trying to purge from my system is all the negative stuff that I can’t seem to talk about in the place where I need to the most:

1) My nightmares have come to the point again where I am terrified of sleep, terrified of bed.

2) The stuff of nightmares keeps me from wanting to leave the house…like, ever

3)  I have not seen the inside of any type of store, including even a convenience store, in over two months.  I have not even tried.  There are people in there, you realize.

4)  I have been hiding my crying spells.  From my therapist, my med doc, my art therapist, LarBear, my mom, my dad.  I know what crying spells mean, and I don’t want anyone to know it is happening at an alarming rate at this point in time.

5)  I absolutely cannot manage without Klonopin at scheduled times throughout the day.  I keep trying to skip it, and I keep having breakdowns and am told to take my Klonopin.

6)  I am stuck with my jewelry.  It’s not fun to make, to plan, to do.  I feel absolutely defeated by the lack of activity on my Facebook page for it, and I end up giving it away because I don’t think it is good enough, anyway, to sell, and neither, apparently, does anyone else.

7)  I am very close to giving up on some various people in my life.  I decided a while back to no longer be in contact with my ex-step-father.  I am very close to that in a few other relationships.  I am tired of caring and not getting caring back.

8)  I don’t feel like there is a safe place for me to go whenever (if) home begins to feel unsafe.  They use the crisis house as an overflow for social detox — the award for fuckhead of the year goes to whoever made that decision, because if I am sick enough to be there, I am too sick to not be taken advantage by one of those addicts.

9)  My weight is at an all-time high, and I am not sure what else to do.  Sure, I need to move more, but I eat quite healthfully and smaller-size portions, and Seroquel (my psychiatrists guess) or the tides of the moon or terrible chemistry makes me gain ten pounds if I so much as look at a cheeseburger.  I have completely stopped bingeing, and I am gaining weight.  There seems little fairness in that.

10)  I get tired of feeling depressed constantly, so I often put on that mask that says everything is fine.   Dear Mental Health Gods:  I am really, really tired of having to do that.  Most things in my life are going swimmingly right now, can I please catch a break?


Filed under: Collection of Thoughts Tagged: anxiety, Bipolar, DBT, depression, dialectical behavior therapy, hopelessness, nightmares, Therapy, wilfulness, willingness

Manic Friday

maniaWed:

Had a good morning and a good night’s sleep. Doing well there. Watched a really good documentary last night on Hillary Clinton/ Donald Trump and their younger lives. I try not to discuss politics on the blog, but I find this whole election interesting. I’m just not sure either candidate is my cup of tea…but I guess you have to vote for someone. I am a big believer in voting.

Yesterday I went to my bipolar support group and there were 21 people there! We were all crammed in the room around a fairly big set of tables, and there were a couple of people even sitting behind the group. I don’t know if our group has a good reputation or if bipolar is going around.

I am selfish, but I don’t like the group that big. I welcome new people and want to support them, but 21 is just sort of crowded emotionally. Too many problems to handle. The meeting was well run, however, and almost everyone got to talk.

Some big news yesterday: I drove alone back and forth to get a massage, drove to get a flu shot with husband in the car and drove alone to the support group. This is really big for me. I have made a bit of a commitment to drive everywhere I can, skipping the freeway and driving at night for right now. I have been going off and on to the support group for about three years and this is the first time I can remember driving.

Today I basically am just going to try to go to yoga. Obviously I am ready for a bit more in my life.

I am losing heart on my quilt. It is just so big. I thought I could finish it by Christmas but even though I started in July, I doubt I can get it done.

Thurs:

My daughter (who teaches school) proclaims that Thursday is the worst day of the week. We can’t figure that one out.

I get weighed today and then HOPEFULLY make it to yoga.

I didn’t go to yoga yesterday and I’m not sure why. It’s at 2pm and it is just so easy to crawl on the couch and take a nap. Once I get there, however, I enjoy it. Plus, it is part of my fitness plan and I need to be honest with myself. Speaking of which….

My weigh-in will be a disaster this week. I not only will not hit my goal but I think I gained. I just had a food fest this week. There is nothing to do but just hit it again this week. I am changing my shake schedule to 9, noon, 2,4,6. I get so hungry between noon and six. That is my bad time. I see the diet doctor next week and plan to tell him that I am just damned hungry. The literature he gave me at the beginning said I should not be starving. It said “white-knuckling” it does not work. I agree.

I know how to (and have done it many times) order when I go out. I also know how to eat at other people’s homes and parties. This will be good for anything coming up for the holidays.

I think I am making progress overall for the weight but I set some reasonable goals for my weight and am not hitting them right now. I am 57 and need some self-control. I definitely want to have my weight off by my birthday (June).

I do best when I am around other people and they can see what I am doing. I do my “cheating” when I am alone. Just not good. This secretive eating is probably what starts kids on eating disorders. Fortunately I am no kid.

I got into my fall clothes and tried to find a sweater to wear over a dress. I went through three before I found one that fit. The other two were too big. That’s a good sign.

Here’s hoping I make it to yoga today, but am not holding out hope.

On the good news front, I am sleeping well and getting up in a fairly cheerful mood. No depression. I’ve not cancelled stuff, and I am getting errands and chores done. AND I am driving a lot more.

Fri:

Uh-oh! I  woke up singing and hopping around. Definitely hypomanic. Which is not a bad thing. But an unusual thing.

I was really bad and skipped my weigh-in yesterday. I just couldn’t face it. So I am going to do my best this week and weigh myself daily at home. I had a good day yesterday on the diet.

I did not walk this morning. Too lazy. Going to hell for sure. At least this is the last day of September and I can make a fresh start in October.

I am going to see my talk therapist today. We’re definitely going to cover my diet and exercise problems. I also have to do some phone calling and have another appointment.

I got my quilt picked up from the floor. It’s all neatly stacked in the right order. I decided to just let it sit till I’m in the mood to sew. It won’t get done for this Christmas but that’s okay.

Tomorrow we are going bowling! Don’t know how I’ll do…I am really bad. But it is fun.

Update:

Cancelled bowling for tomorrow as daughter has that really bad cold. Did drive alone to an errand and to the therapist’s office. Had a good appointment with her…she always has lots of good ideas.

Sat:

Took a walk last night so that was good. Beautiful morning here and I am feeling good. Mildly elevated. We went to some garage sales and bought NOTHING! First time I can remember that happening.

I need a shower today for church tomorrow. Other then that, a quiet day.

My daughter is on Match and is currently corresponding with about five guys. Two of them have asked her for coffee, but she is too sick right now.

She’s been out with three guys, but none of them were the right fit, although she is still texting with one of them. But she did like them all…they weren’t weird or anything, so that was good. I’ve been helping her look over the profiles. Some of these guys need desperate help in how to write a profile and how to select a picture! One guy’s picture was of him in a snowstorm standing about 40 feet away. Crazy.

Sun:

It’s raining here! Sort of unusual and makes it a neat day. Made it to church and am settling in for our local pro football game. I sure hope they are better this week. Have a slight headache. Stayed on the diet pretty well and lost a pound according to my home scale. Need to stay on it today.

Mon and Tues:

Very tough days. I feel weak and sick. Have been very angry with Danny and his continued verbal abuse and rudeness to me. I feel so bad I have cancelled my things for yesterday and today and am just resting.

I desperately wish there was somewhere else for him to live, but the dorm is just so expensive and all of his friends live at home too. Surprisingly, he has agreed to go see my therapist with me. We will see if he follows through.

I truly believe he has an anger problem/ depression and could benefit from some meds. But he is totally against meds and I doubt that will happen.

Struggling here:

lily

 

Silly Sonnet 29 Redux to Lucy (a.k.a. I’m Not A Poet & I Know It!)

Dyane & Lucy, 2015 It has been far too serious around here, plus the weather’s turning cold and gloomy. Perhaps the gallon of locally roasted Rocket Fuel from Coffeol Roasting I enjoyed this morning affected me, because I’m suddenly feeling silly!  My favorite Shakespeare sonnet #29 When, in disgrace with fortune and men’s eyes popped into my brain. … Continue reading Silly Sonnet 29 Redux to Lucy (a.k.a. I’m Not A Poet & I Know It!)

Shrink Visit

So today I went to my shrinks and she changed my meds. I am going off the latuda, down to 40 mgs for four days, than 20 mgs for four days. Than I start taking rexulti. I don’t know if it is going to do any better and I’m super nervous, changing meds is always very scary .

I trust her though. So it’s going to be ok.

 


Lonesome

I feel very lonely today.   I’ve talked to a couple of friends today but they were short conversations because my friends tend to be busy people.  I went out by myself for lunch since I didn’t really buy myself lunch stuff when I went to the grocery store.  I had potato soup and an ice cream and brownie dessert.

Now I’m waiting for Bob to get home for lunch.  I really just want to curl up on the couch or somewhere equivalent and go to sleep.  I need to do my response to this week’s reading soon but I’m just too tired to focus on it right now.   I don’t know if it’s the meds or the weird dreams I’ve been having lately but I’m not sleeping well when I do sleep.

I just don’t know.  I’m on the verge of feeling helpless again but I’m not sure why.  Bob’s worried about me, says I’m much more anxious than usual this time of year. I don’t know why.  I need some good news from somewhere–all I’m hearing about lately is people dying and others going to funerals.


9 Bad Videos and 1 Good one

***Important*** Many of you know my posts have not been showing up in the WordPress Reader. I installed the “fix” last night. Please let me know in the comments section if I did show up there today. Thank you! ****** Yesterday I was in a space. I wasn’t in a bad space. I wasn’t in a good space. I was…

The post 9 Bad Videos and 1 Good one appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

Attempt At Being Human

So in spite of a bitch of a time getting to sleep last night, let alone being wakened multiple times by my child…

After yesterday’s bad luck, near narcolepsy, and having pissed off R…

I am out of bed, dressed, and I even put on some make up. So, voila, my attempt at looking like a living human rather than living dead girl

1004160904-00Fail? Maybe.

I am trying. Which means I am cured, right?

Ha ha ha ha.

I have to fall on my sword and go serve time being R’s fetcher. Then Spook as a dental appointment after school in  that small town 30 miles away. It’s gonna be a long day, and many hours outside my safe zone…Maybe eyeliner and Xanax will be my super power to get me through it.

So the professionals tell me. Take care of yourself, groom well, you will feel better.

And then I hit the dish, anxiety skyrockets, moods shift.

Out of bed and dressed. Small victories.


Picture Perfect 

Thanks to my beloved Bex for posting this.

A Rambling Mind

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Reflections On Age

My grandmother used to twist the old cliche around to her version “You are only as young as you feel” (as opposed to old). Today I turned 58 and, while I was dreading it for the last several months, I … Continue reading

At Last…

I’m covered by Medicare! It was official on the first of this month, and now I can buy all my meds without giving up an arm, a leg, and my firstborn male child. I was chatting with the pharmacist this morning about my new insurance, and she warned me that I would have co-pays with the meds…most of which are $2.95, and the other is a whole $1.88. Considering what a financial cluster-f##k it was to get most of them (I’ve had to skip the smaller dose of one of my anti-psychotics because they’re even more costly than the larger dose), I’m hardly upset. In fact, I’m ECSTATIC. I blew through all of my savings buying meds over the past two months, and it was getting downright scary.

Ironically, since my Social Security benefits have gone down due to the premiums for Part B and Part D, I’d probably be eligible for Medicaid again because my income is below the line now. But it would go back up again if I didn’t have to pay the premiums, which Medicaid covers, thus kicking me back up to where I was to start with. So I’m not going to bother, for obvious reasons.

This is also good because I see my new psychiatrist this Friday. I really hope I like him and he likes me. No one can ever replace my beloved Dr. Awesomesauce, but hopefully this doctor will at least be kind and compassionate, and know his stuff. If Dr. A had a fault, it was that he wasn’t always up to date on bipolar, hence his long-running ambivalence on my bipolar 1 diagnosis; the other three mental healthcare providers I’ve seen were unequivocal about it. We’ll see what the new guy has to say, anyway.

The one fly in the ointment is that Medicare covers only 80% of medical expenses, and I can’t afford a supplemental plan that pays for the rest.  That means I’m not going to be following up with the referrals my primary care provider, a Nurse Practitioner (NP), has already given me for podiatry, diabetic education and sleep medicine. He probably won’t be very happy about that, but hey, what can I do? I’ll barely be able to afford my co-pays for him and my new pdoc. Guess I can’t have everything. Besides, I don’t need diabetic education anyway—I already know what I’m supposed to do to control it and I’m doing very well, as evidenced by my lab work and random blood sugar checks.

Except for exercise. Try as I might, I can’t get motivated. Everything hurts. I’m still morbidly obese, and while I continue to lose weight, I’m really deconditioned from when I was heavier and NEVER got off the sofa except to go to the bathroom. I consider it a triumph when I’m able to walk through a grocery store, or go clothes shopping without having to sit down. Maybe when I’ve lost another thirty pounds or so I’ll be ready to do something…or not. I’m just not going to pressure myself about it when I’ve got so much else to deal with.

Anyway, Medicare has kicked in and I’m in business. I’m not a big fan of government, but I’m grateful for Social Security and its associated programs. I don’t even like to think about where I’d be without them, especially since Will passed away. It’s all good.