Daily Archives: September 25, 2016

Getting off this Ride

It never ceases to amaze me just how quickly my mood can drop. From Monday to today, i have fallen into a deep dark canyon.  On Monday, I was probably thinking I could jump over the canyon and through the woods.  But, somehow my feet have slipped and here I am at the bottom. Alone. Crying. It takes too much energy to look up. I just lie down in defeat.
Suicidal thoughts swirl in action. Ideas make their way into my mind. Plans are so easily formed. I’ve been here before. As my husband kisses me a voice reminds me that’s the last one. He is better off without me. As we cross over the bridge I look below to see if its high enough. I choke back silent tears and mentally begin to write a note. I combine medication bottles for an easy getaway.
I’ve said very few words to my husband in the last 48 hours. He asked me to smile. Half smile was all I could do. I’m supposed to be at a baseball game right now, last home game for the season. But I sit alone on my couch crying. Formulating. Realizing just how alone I am. I no longer have friends. I don’t know how to make them or keep them. I don’t know how to call anyone in moments like this. My world is caving in and I sent my support off to enjoy beer and baseball. I’m tired of holding him back.
My demons are never gone. Always waiting to pounce. Bipolar in the fall months is so hard for me. Symptoms greet me as the darkness of night closes in earlier and earlier.
If you ask me…pills no pills. Its all the same. I don’t actually ever find stability for more than 3-4 wks tops. I’m exhausted. My work demands are increasing and my ability to handle it decreasing. But, on the outside that’s not really seen. My appearance remains in tact. Key buzz words still show I know what I’m doing. Yet, at the end of the day I cry on my drive home. Releasing all that’s built up. My mind races when it hits the sheets either reminding me where I went wrong or demanding I remember something I cannot. Obsessively my mind churns and churns. Sleep escapes me. The alarm sounds and I’m supposed to do it all over again. Perfectionism ushers me through my office doors with anxiety in tow.
I step off and on the merry go round too often for my liking. Thrown around as I lose my balance. My place. Grab on hard to the handle for a short time and demand I push through..only to lose my balance and place over and over. I’m over this game.


Lithium is kicking in :-)

I increased my dose of Lithium from 900 mg to 1200 mg, and my mood has settled down. The fight or flight seems to have dampened and generally I feel calmer and better. 

Went to the wedding last night, it was held at the Buffalo Hyatt Regecy, a beautiful venue for it and it was amazing, the Vikings were there again. 😀 Danced for hours again and in a sari!


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Not Letting Go

Today I woke up depressed as usual. Hubby decided to put New Girl on Netflix and we watched several episodes and while I wasn’t laughing like him, I felt things lighten a little. Then I got hungry and he went out and picked me up something to eat. He really is a dear even though he can piss me off like no one else. Speaking of which when he came home he did something that pissed me off. I couldn’t let go of it and right now the pissed off feeling still lingers.

Thing is it was something stupid and trivial. I know I should just let it go but my body really loves to hold on the that anger. Or is it the brain? Probably both. I know I’ll calm down eventually but for now I am just pissed that I almost felt good and it’s gone now. FUCK!