Daily Archives: September 22, 2016

Hello Abandonment My Old Friend

Hello Abandonment my old friend, I’ve come to talk with you again.
And I don’t want to talk to you, I don’t want to know you, but you keep rearing your ugly head in my life! Perhaps it’s because my son is all grown up, even has a job as an Immigration Attorney! And I am thrilled by this development, however I believe it has set off abandonment issues again. And I feel the devastating feelings of the child I was who was abandoned, abused, denigrated. And once again, I am taking it out on innocent friends, these people, who don’t deserve the emotional firestorm that is brewing inside of me. I spoke with my therapist, she helped me realize it is happening again. She gave me a wonderful example to illustrate what’s going on: I am in a room with a friend. I walk towards a table to get something and on my way, I stub my toe on a piece of furniture. I am in intense pain, my foot is throbbing and I can think of nothing else but the pain. Am I now going to blame the friend who was in the room with me when I stubbed my toe? No! It is not my friend’s fault. Am I going to expect this friend of mine to take away the pain of my stubbed, perhaps broken toe? No, how could my friend do this?

So, why, when the abandonment monster rears its ugly head, do I expect other innocent people, people who had nothing at all to do with my childhood abandonment, why do I expect these people, these friends to take away the pain? It is a very illogical thing to do. Unfortunately though, abandonment issues don’t have anything to do with logic, only emotions. If you have a therapist who is good and who can make you realize what is going on, you can stop expecting your friends to take away the pain. It’s not fair to them, it’s most likely very annoying for them for me to behave in this strange, clingy, fearful, childish way.

It comes and it goes. I wish there was something I could do to make it go away forever. But realizing I am putting pressure on my friends to heal me or make me feel better or loved, is the beginning of stopping it, at least for now. And when it comes back again, we do it all over again. Abandonment, it can make you feel like you are going to die, like your heart is going to explode with the fear of loss. But you realize it, and then you can stop it.

Please, gods of love and happiness, free me from this monster. I don’t want to live there anymore.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-many-faces addiction/201006/understanding-the-pain-abandonment

When children are raised with chronic loss, without the psychological or physical protection they need and certainly deserve, it is most natural for them to internalize incredible fear. Not receiving the necessary psychological or physical protection equals abandonment. And, living with repeated abandonment experiences creates toxic shame. Shame arises from the painful message implied in abandonment: “You are not important. You are not of value.” This is the pain from which people need to heal.

For some children abandonment is primarily physical. Physical abandonment occurs when the physical conditions necessary for thriving have been replaced by:

  • lack of appropriate supervision
  • inadequate provision of nutrition and meals
  • inadequate clothing, housing, heat, or shelter
  • physical and/or sexual abuse

Children are totally dependent on caretakers to provide safety in their environment. When they do not, they grow up believing that the world is an unsafe place, that people are not to be trusted, and that they do not deserve positive attention and adequate care.

Emotional abandonment occurs when parents do not provide the emotional conditions and the emotional environment necessary for healthy development. I like to define emotional abandonment as “occurring when a child has to hide a part of who he or she is in order to be accepted, or to not be rejected.”

Having to hide a part of yourself means:

  •  it is not okay to make a mistake.
  •  it is not okay to show feelings, being told the way you feel is not true. “You have nothing to cry about and if you don’t stop crying I will really give you something to cry about.” “That really didn’t hurt.” “You have nothing to be angry about.”
  • it is not okay to have needs. Everyone else’s needs appear to be more important than yours.
  •  it is not okay to have successes. Accomplishments are not acknowledged, are many times discounted.

Other acts of abandonment occur when:

  • Children cannot live up to the expectations of their parents. These expectations are often unrealistic and not age-appropriate.
  • Children are held responsible for other people’s behavior. They may be consistently blamed for the actions and feelings of their parents.
  • Disapproval toward children is aimed at their entire beings or identity rather than a particular behavior, such as telling a child he is worthless when he does not do his homework or she is never going to be a good athlete because she missed the final catch of the game.

Many times abandonment issues are fused with distorted, confused, or undefined boundaries such as:

When parents do not view children as separate beings with distinct boundaries

When parents expect children to be extensions of themselves

When parents are not willing to take responsibility for their feelings, thoughts, and behaviors, but expect children to take responsibility for them

When parents’ self-esteem is derived through their child’s behavior

When children are treated as peers with no parent/child distinction

Abandonment plus distorted boundaries, at a time when children are developing their sense of worth, is the foundation for the belief in their own inadequacy and the central cause of their shame.

Abandonment experiences and boundary violations are in no way indictments of a child’s innate goodness and value. Instead, they reveal the flawed thinking, false beliefs, and impaired behaviors of those who hurt them. Still, the wounds are struck deep in their young hearts and minds, and the very real pain can still be felt today. The causes of emotional injury need to be understood and accepted so they can heal. Until that occurs, the pain will stay with them, becoming a driving force in their adult lives.


Day 2 Done

I Did it!!!! I made it through both days without anything horrible happening.  I’m so glad that is over with. I even went out to lunch with hubby after like a normal person. I will finally be able to relax and not have to worry about anything for a while. They even updated my permanent resident card so I have a valid ID until my new one comes in.

I’m very thankful right now. For the people in my life. The wonderful readers who read my blog and just for being generally healthy.

It’s a nice change from sad and angry and stressed. I think that I will just enjoy the rest of the day without worrying about anything else.

 


BpHope Post #10

Ready. Set. Sail! Ugggghhhhmmmm…I’m so down. Crying doesn’t get rid of the pain. That feeling of being lost in your thoughts. It took all my energy to write this article and I don’t even think it’s that good. Depression has set in and it’s zapping me of all my hope and energy. So yeah. Hope … More BpHope Post #10

Yay, It Is Finally Fall!

Today, September 22 marks the first day of my favorite season. Winter here on the west coast of Canada doesn’t have a lot of snow or freezing temperatures; however, there is a lot of cold rain which affects my arthritis. … Continue reading

Is Lithium Sucking The Life Out Of Me?

I’ve been back on lithium since February and once again, I am hitting that point. The point where I question if the benefits are worth the side effects. No sex drive. No sense of happiness. Flat affect. Everything is a damned chore. Interacting with people is grueling. Things I normally enjoy are just mindless tasks I want to be done with.

None of this was a factor when I was on Lamictal. Lithium just has shit side effects. And I want it gone.

Actually, I want them to retool it so there is no nausea, no loss of sex drive, no flat affect. It’s been sixty years, ffs, make the stuff work without making the manic highs and lows seem better because at least I feel something.

I am absolutely astonished at how quickly I went from “doing better” on the Pristiq to nearing Splat all over again. I keep telling  myself it’s personal stuff, loss, grief, anxiety, stress…NO, I will not go to the doctor and tell him another med has failed. NO NO NO.

But I have to face facts. It’s TV premiere week and I am so uninterested. Not because anything is distracting me. I’m just so numb, it all seems pointless. I went back on lithium to ensure stability for dealing with the donor and court and all that. I’m not liking the current trade off, this feeling nothing.

The professionals wonder why some quit their meds, why others won’t take meds. It’s this. When taking the meds leads down this path to numbness. It really does make a good screaming manic episode seem appealing, least then you’re alive.

I don’t know what I will do. Keep taking the crap until I see el shrinko next month and ask if   we can increase the Pristiq even if for all purposes I am maxed out. Maybe go back to Lamictal?

Or maybe I can just stay asleep forever. I like sleep. Even with nightmares.

I want me back, damn it. If losing the screaming manic part means also losing, well, me…This is not a trade off I can live with.


Some of my Heroes – Throwback

This week’s Throwback is from May 2013 In February, Carrie Fisher, of Star Wars fame, acted erratically while performing on stage during a cruise, which included her belting out songs off key, and having to clean up after her dogs who pooped on stage. Carrie was not drunk as some believed. She had to see her doctor and have her…

The post Some of my Heroes – Throwback appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

Feeling Proud Today

So not only is it my birthday, we got my middle daughter’s newest ACT score today–she made a 35 (perfect is 36). She fell down a little bit in math on this one but we will take the composite and run with it into the college applications process. Not only did she do well on this test, all her scores in her classes are 100 or better so far (she is taking so many college classes that it barely matters how she does in the regular ones).  She has worked so hard in everything she does–from school to band to dance to church work.  We are so proud of you, Little Bit.

 


NAMIWalks, Conferences, and Fatigue

This summer I’ve been recuperating from caring for my parents, going to the BlogHer16 women’s blogging conference, and training for NAMI In Our Own Voice. This upcoming weekend, I’m attending the Southern California Writers’ Conference, about which I’m understandably worried for I…

Busy

Had a busy day today so late posting.  I interviewed my buddy Mike in Wisconsin today about his work in Holocaust Studies for a class project–I had to do a Q&A interview and did the best I could with it.   If I could go back in time and change several things, one of them would be to take Shorthand from Ms. Ethel Brunt at Ackerman High School.  But I managed the best I could with typing  a and I think it turned out well.  I need to clean it up and reformat it before Sunday.

Soon it will be the second anniversary of my blog–September 25 according to my posting.  I’m proud of what I have done with it.  I have some very loyal readers and others who drop by a little more than occasionally.  What I am trying to do is present a complete picture  of what it is like day to day to live with bipolar disorder.  It’s not as glamourous a life as it sounds, as most of you who read regularly can attest.  I have my ups and my downs.  Bt what I sincerely hope I hae done is somewhere out there, there is someone I have helped make it through the day because I documented how  I made it through the day that day.  That’s all I really want to do with my story at the moment.

 


Tell it like it is….

People like to think they want this. And most people like people who “shoot it straight” or “tell it like it is”. In theory this is awesome!! In theory those who tell it like it is should be listened to and respected simply because they live the truth. Many many things are just truth. They aren’t good or bad or anything really, just facts! 

Unfortunately, in practice people don’t like the truth. People don’t like confrontation, and people don’t like others who hold people accountable and demand something better.  No no one is perfect! Let’s establish that to start with. We should all live in a way that allows people to make mistakes but that also encourages them to grow. Just because I say to you something like “you aren’t doing that right” in context of work doesn’t mean I believe that person is stupid or incompetent it just means they need correction. There shouldn’t be anything wrong with that. 

The world often teaches us realists that there is something wrong with us. That somehow we don’t have the kindness and compassion of those around us. We often hear, “you shoot straight, and I like that, but maybe you could back it up just a little bit.” Or “I realize you can see things that need fixing but maybe you could say it without being so negative.” Well I am sorry that the true is so specific and factual. I mean what else did you want to hear from me. 

I have spent most of my life trying to be more nice. I thought it was important. I thought there was something wrong with me because I think the way I do and favor fact over kindness. Kindness is fleeting and it changes. Kindness can be faked and made into a lie. You pretty much don’t get that from people who are based in facts. I enjoy hearing others thoughts and outlooks and don’t get me wrong I believe God truly created us each differently for good reason. But I have never understood why people are so willing to accept kindness and less willing to accept fact. 

I am not a kind person. I don’t often do things just to be nice or kind. I do things for a reason and behind that reason is fact. I am nice to people all day in my job and I’m that way because I believe it makes a difference and because my tiny act can change a persons life. My comments can embolden or build up someone in no more time than it takes for most of us to eat a meal. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. I remember making the CHOICE to do things and act in certain ways because they make a difference or change a life. Because they are factual and tangible and I can hear and see them. 

I love the people in my life because I want to because I make a CHOICE to. Not always because they deserve it. Let’s face it all of us don’t deserve it sometimes. But I tend to cut to the point with my love the same way I do everything else. If I love you, I love you! I will most likely love you forever, for those few who lost my love, I promise you they deserved not to have me. 😂 I make love a choice and when I make that choice it’s a fact. It isn’t something that changes or comes and goes. Even when I’m mad I love you!! 

When I walked into work today for the third day and thought “I hate people”. I knew I had a problem. Something is off and I hate it when I can’t figure out what it is. I wonder if my meds are still working, I wonder if my anxiety is just up because it is a busy time of year. By busy I mean more days than not I have way too many things to do. I truly don’t know. But I know that something has to give or I might just go ahead and completely lose my mind. Ok so maybe that isn’t going to happen but man don’t you just hate it when you can feel it coming.